10 Things That Aren’t Normal In A Healthy Relationship

Anyone who’s been in at least one relationship knows that there’s no such thing as a totally “normal” relationship. Every individual comes with their own unique strengths and weaknesses – double that when two people’s strengths and weaknesses collide with each other’s. No two baking ingredients will mix the same way, and the same goes for people. Further, some ingredients seem to belong together (chocolate and peanut butter, anyone?), and others have no business being together (like corn on pizza – I said what I said).

This means that there isn’t one set picture of what to expect when it comes to a relationship, but at the same time, there are behaviors and dynamics that shouldn’t ever be normalized. Things that, no matter the personalities and pasts of the two people in the relationship, can’t be considered normal, acceptable, or justifiable.

Lately, you’ve begun to wonder if the way your boyfriend treats you and behaves sometimes is normal. Maybe you saw him sneaking a look at another girl and felt a twinge of jealousy before admonishing yourself for being the crazy girlfriend. Or maybe he called you a name in your most recent fight and you wondered if your friends’ boyfriends have ever called them that. Or maybe it’s been a while since he’s taken you out, and you aren’t sure if you’re in the wrong for wishing you’d get a “Put on your red dress and be ready at 6” text from him. You don’t know if your relationship is…normal.

So what should be expected in a relationship? What’s normal, and what’s cause for concern? Read on to find out and decipher whether they’re present in your relationship.

He Has a Snapchat Streak with Another Girl

Having constant communication with another girl, even if nothing has ever happened between them, isn’t appropriate for a guy with a girlfriend, especially when it’s through Snapchat, an app where pictures and messages disappear immediately without a trace. Maintaining a streak takes a whole lot of effort. Putting that kind of effort in for a girl who isn’t his girlfriend doesn’t sit right, and you shouldn’t be pressured to accept it if it gives you pause.

He Screams, Insults, or Is Physically Imposing during an Argument

Let’s face it, arguments aren’t warm and fuzzy. They’re uncomfortable, emotional, and can be hurtful. And yet, disagreements are a byproduct of two imperfect people being in a relationship. Every couple will have their points of disagreement, and some of them might even be recurring. Some couples are better at healthy conflict than others, and it’s (unfortunately) relatively normal to struggle through arguments. But what shouldn’t ever be normalized is screaming at you, physically intimidating you, getting in your face, or calling you slurs and insults. There’s not great communication, and then there’s downright abusive communication.

You Don’t Feel Like Yourself Anymore

Most of us change at least a little bit in a relationship. It’s normal to discover new sides of yourself and even to feel like you were somewhat of a different person before meeting him. But what’s not normal is to not even feel like yourself anymore – to feel a lack of interest in things you used to love, to feel anxious and weighed down, or to feel like you can’t fully show yourself to him. The right relationship will make you feel even more like yourself, not less.

The right relationship will make you feel even more like yourself, not less.

You Feel Drained by Your Boyfriend Rather Than Energized

Even the most introverted people will love spending their precious free hours with their special someone, if the relationship is right. They’ll even feel energized after being with their person. But if you come away feeling totally drained, as if a vampire just sucked every ounce of energy from you, this isn’t something to grin and bear. Whether that exhaustion stems from altering yourself around him, facing frequent criticism from him, or listening to his never-ending list of complaints, take this as a sign that this relationship isn’t the right one for you.

You Constantly Feel Like Other Women Are a Threat

With the right man, it won’t cross your mind to worry about other women. Your boyfriend won’t do anything to create this anxiety, and you’ll trust that he has eyes only for you. You’ll feel at peace with his commitment. But if you frequently see other women as a threat, it’s worth investigating why. It could be an insecurity that existed before you ever got together (if you’ve been cheated on in the past, that would be understandable), in which case, it would be up to you to begin working through that. But it could also be due to his behavior. Does he have a female friend who's a little too touchy with him? Does he get shifty when you ask him who texted him at midnight? Do you have a gut feeling that you can’t shake? If seeing other women as a threat to your relationship is genuinely caused by his actions, that isn’t normal.

He Is Physically Violent

Do we all get upset sometimes? Sure. Are there times when our anger feels almost all-encompassing? Yes. Anger is a typical human emotion. But it’s not typical if your boyfriend’s anger results in physical violence: punching holes in walls, throwing and breaking things, or causing lasting damage to something. While not every single person who has engaged in physical violence against an object has eventually shifted that physical violence toward a person, this isn’t a chance you want to take. If he isn’t able to control his anger, handle it without punching something, and resorts to this kind of behavior, the chance that he’ll one day direct it at you is above zero – so, too high.

He Has Old NSFW Pictures of Exes

Having a random, five year old picture on his phone from a Christmas dinner that his ex spent at his family’s house? Not the worst thing in the world. He might’ve kept it because it was his little niece’s first Christmas and she’s too cute to delete the picture, or maybe he missed it when going through his phone to get rid of old photos. But having old NSFW pictures of his ex? Not even slightly normal. First, it’s understood that, after breaking up, his ex would no longer consent to him possessing such a picture. Second, there’s absolutely no legitimate reason that he should be holding onto it. Third, it’s incredibly disrespectful to you and flirts with unfaithfulness. 

You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship

Your boyfriend isn’t meant to fulfill your every social need and eliminate your need for a circle that includes more than him. At the same time, he should offer you friendship, emotional care, and acceptance. He should make you feel like you’re in this together. Doesn’t sound like your relationship? Maybe this is something to think about. If you walk away from seeing him feeling lonelier than if you’d just stayed home, or if you feel like you’re the only one who attempts to work past disagreements, or if it falls on your shoulders to be the one to reach out, this is a red flag that your levels of investment aren’t aligned. The right relationship will make you feel less alone.

If you can’t remember the last date you went on, much less the last date your boyfriend planned, that’s not normal.

You Never Go on Date Nights

It’s true that the newer a relationship, the more often you’ll go out for dates. You’re in the early stages, when it feels like you should probably do more than hang out and watch movies on the couch. It’s normal to go on fewer classic dates the more settled you are in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean you should never go on dates. Having regular date nights, whether every weekend or sprinkled throughout the month, is an absolute must. If you can’t remember the last date you went on, much less the last date your boyfriend planned, that’s not normal.

He Doesn’t Get You Something “Just Because” Every Now and Then

It’s far from normal to shower you with gifts nonstop – that’s what we’ve come to know as love bombing. That being said, it’s also not normal for him to never get you little gifts, even something as simple as an iced latte on his way home from work, or a “just because” bouquet, or a shirt that he thought you might like. It’s not everyone’s natural strength to be a good gift giver, but you should be able to expect that your boyfriend will think of you now and then and present you with something thoughtful.

Closing Thoughts

Assuring yourself that it’s normal for him to call you slurs or for you to not fully trust that he wouldn’t cheat on you is a recipe for disaster. It’s time to reevaluate the things we’ve convinced ourselves are normal.