11 Forgotten Etiquette Tips That We Should Bring Back Into Fashion
Let’s bring back the lost art of etiquette with these 11 tricks.
Sometimes it can seem like the world is falling apart around us. Awash in the constant influx of information on current events, wars, and polarizing issues, it can feel like there is little holding us together these days. While we can’t all end world hunger or initiate world peace, there are some things that we have collectively been letting slide into chaos that we do have more control over. One of those things is etiquette. Although it may seem like a minor issue, attending to our manners can have huge personal, societal, and cultural implications.
When you hear the word etiquette, you might picture stuffy old ladies having tea on a table littered with doilies, or you might picture your grade school peers whose parents sent them to cotillion classes during summer vacation to learn how to hold their forks and spoons properly. The art of manners and etiquette goes far beyond these images, though. At its heart, it’s about making sure people feel comfortable, loved, and able to connect socially with others. Before we even begin to mourn the loss of knowledge of which glass goes where at the dinner table, let’s try to rejuvenate the art of making sure our friends, guests, and loved ones feel cared for, seen, and listened to. By rekindling this lost art, we may find that the world feels a little more stable and our hearts a little more connected to one another. Here are a few ways you can start today.
Greet Others with a Confident Handshake
The way you shake hands can not only set the tone for your first interaction with someone, but it can leave them with a specific impression of who you are as a person from that moment on. Whether we’re aware of this on a conscious level or not, our initial physical contact – both with our eyes and with our hands – as we greet someone for the first time tells them a lot about us. Here are a few things to keep in mind to make sure that you come across as both friendly and confident to everyone you meet:
Reach your right hand forward with your thumb toward the ceiling and and your palm open.
Make eye contact and give the other person a warm, genuine smile.
Once your hands are clasped web-to-web, match their grip, being careful to hold their hand firmly but not too tightly.
From your elbow, shake their hand twice.
Use this moment to say something like, “It’s so nice to meet you,” “It’s a pleasure to see you again,” or to use their name in a sentence so that you’ll be more likely to remember it later, if you’re meeting them for the first time.
Use Open and Warm Body Language
As intuitive creatures, there’s a lot that we pick up on from each other without saying a single word. If your arms are crossed, you’ll appear to be protective, angry, or upset. If you hunch over, you’ll come across as shy, anxious, or exhausted. The good thing about body language is that if we use it intentionally, we can send the signals that we really do mean to send to the people around us. Generally, you want to have open and warm body language so that others feel comfortable and relaxed in your presence. Here are a few pointers:
Sit or stand tall, from the base of your spine to the top of your head.
Relax your shoulders, imagining them rolling back and down rather than up and forward.
Engage your core to give you control and lend fluidity to your movement.
Show empathy through your smiles and other facial expressions.
Make regular eye contact to communicate that you’re listening and interested.
Angle your body toward your conversation partner.
Avoid looking at your watch, your phone, or anything that would signal boredom.
Provide Clear Introductions
Have you ever shown up to a party or event where you only knew the host and felt like by the end of the night you still only knew the host? Make connections easier for your guests and friends by giving them clear and proper introductions. Whatever the situation, if you’re the person who knows who everyone is, take a moment to make sure they all know one another’s names and something about the other person that might spark a conversation, especially if you’re going to have to leave the room or attend to other guests shortly thereafter. You can follow this simple order:
Share the name or names of the first person or couple, followed by “this is” or “I’d like to introduce you to,” and then the name or names of the second person or couple.
Offer a little information about a shared interest they might have, how you know each of them, or anything else that might get a conversation started between them.
Additionally, if your hostess forgot to introduce you to anyone, forge your own path to new friendship by making eye contact and offering your name and a handshake to someone else.
Make Engaging Conversation
The art of conversation is a balance of asking questions, listening, and talking. To be mindful of others, your emphasis should be on asking questions and listening, while still sharing stories or information that might be interesting or relevant to your audience as appropriate. Avoid topics like politics, religion, finance, or health unless you typically dive into more controversial issues with these particular people, and do your best to avoid talking about other people or gossiping. Here are a few things that can help your conversation stay engaging:
Keep the focus of the conversation on things that interest the other person.
Make regular eye contact and speak at a moderate pace and volume.
Ask questions and actively listen to the answers.
Ask for advice, but don’t give any yourself unless you’re asked.
Show positivity by smiling and offering genuine compliments.
Cover Your Hosting Basics
When it comes time to host, whether it’s just a friend stopping by to lend you her crockpot or a more formal dinner party, do your best to make your guests feel welcome and comfortable in your home. Depending on how long they’re staying, you’ll want to have different amenities available, but there are some universal basics you can have ready for everyone regardless of the occasion:
Offer refreshment, even if it’s just water for someone popping by. Bonus for tea, coffee, or any other additional beverage.
Have anything from light snacks to a full meal available if anyone is staying any length of time.
Make sure your bathroom is generally put-together, stocked, and ready for guests.
Keep a consistent cleaning schedule so that your space is inviting and you feel like sharing it with others.
Remember Mealtime Manners
In an age where etiquette is so neglected that we often don’t know where to put our hands during conversation or how to politely excuse ourselves to use the restroom, we have to be a little less concerned with the order of forks or the particular fold of napkins when it comes to mealtime. There are, however, manners that apply no matter the situation when you sit down to eat with other people. Here are a few reminders:
Wait until everyone is seated and has been served to eat.
Chew with your mouth closed and don’t speak while chewing.
Contribute to the conversation, but don’t ask someone a question when they’ve just taken a bite of food.
Compliment what you like about the meal and show gratitude to the chef.
Keep your napkin in your lap and your elbows off the table.
Politely ask for others to pass you things like butter or water rather than reaching across the table.
Follow RSVP Etiquette
Whenever you’re invited to something, whether it’s coffee with a friend or a cousin’s wedding, it’s important to be timely and clear with your response. Most of us know that we ought to rsvp to more official events by the date listed on the invitation, but we would all benefit from a reminder that rsvps are crucial even in more casual situations. Here are a few things to consider:
For any formal invitation, respond before the deadline (preferably as soon as you know your answer) and complete any extra response elements, like what you prefer for dinner, if you have allergies, etc.
For a more informal invitation, respond with a clear answer as soon as you can.
As far as you’re able, barring obvious emergencies, follow through on attending if you said “yes.”
Be willing to give a clear but warm “no” if you feel you’d prefer to stay in or are expecting other plans to take shape that will make you unavailable. Your friends will appreciate being able to move forward with their plans without wondering whether they should expect you or not.
Reciprocate Invitations
Along with etiquette, another thing that seems to be a dying art is hosting. However, the warmth and intimacy of having friends or family over for a meal or game night really does create more opportunity for deeper connection than a quick bite at the latest trendy spot downtown. Reciprocating invitations will not only nurture your friendships, but it will nurture the culture of hosting for us all. Aim for these practices:
If you get an invitation to someone’s house for a meal, try to reciprocate by inviting them over for a meal within a few months.
If you get an invitation to do something else, like to go shopping, get a coffee, or meet at a restaurant, consider reciprocating with an invitation to your home within a few months.
You never know who might be inspired by your willingness to open your home to them and decide to start doing the same.
Give Thoughtful Gifts
Gifts are wonderful. They tell someone you’re thinking about them while also providing them with something tangible to use or enjoy. However, gift giving can go wrong when your gift ends up in the receiver’s Goodwill donation pile or their re-gift stash in the closet because they had no use for it. To prevent that, do your best to give thoughtful, intentional gifts that your loved one will truly appreciate. Consider these tips:
If the gift receiver has a registry for the occasion, by all means, stick to the registry.
Consider your audience. Experience gifts might be great for your retired parents who already have what they need materially and lots of free time, but that might not be useful for a new mom.
Similarly, think within the style and taste of the receiver, not within your own style and taste.
Practical yet beautiful gifts are often the best (think handmade mugs for new homeowners, organic cotton burp cloths for new moms, freshly picked berries for hostesses).
When opting for luxury over practicality, make sure it’s something the receiver will truly love.
When in doubt, give things that won’t become clutter, like chocolate, tea, or other food items, candles, or even gift cards.
Write Thank You Notes
If you’re the one who received a gift, it’s important to acknowledge the thought, money, and effort that went into it. Or if someone did something especially thoughtful for you, like throwing you a bridal shower or hosting you for a weekend visit, an official thank you is definitely in order. Help revive yet another lost art – snail mail – by writing a thank you note for your friend or loved one. Here are some things to remember when writing your note:
For less formal events or gifts, send your cards within a week or two of the event or gift.
For more formal events or gifts, like your wedding gifts, send your cards within a couple months of the event or gift.
Add something personal to each note, mentioning why you love their gift or why you appreciate what they did for you.
End your card with well wishes for your loved one so they know you’re thinking about them.
Follow Phone, Texting, and Online Etiquette
While phone and texting etiquette might not really be a lost art, as our grandmothers certainly didn’t have to deal with the digital realm of communication, there are still timeless etiquette sentiments that apply to how we interact in the digital and virtual spaces. Despite what some seem to believe, your digital presence is part of the real world, so the way that you conduct yourself on it still affects others. Clean up your digital manners with these tips:
Don’t call or text anyone before 8 a.m. or after 9 p.m. (unless you know the person is up and expecting to hear from you).
Respond to calls and texts within a reasonable time frame, ideally the same day.
Don’t say anything online or in text that you wouldn’t say in person.
Since body language and tone are lacking in text, convey warmth with punctuation, word choice, and emojis.
Don’t spend time on your phone while you are spending time with anyone in real life.
While the world around us grows more and more complex, there are some things that remain simple. The practice of making sure our manners bring warmth to others is one of those things. So go ahead, be the neighbor who brings freshly baked cookies to the new family down the block. Be the friend who invites everyone over for brunch or tea. Be the guest who always remembers to say thank you. Together, little by little, we can revive the lost art of etiquette to bring us all a brighter, more connected culture.
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