12 Top Dating Tips From Love-Life Expert Matthew Hussey

Matthew Hussey is an Australian dating coach and relationship expert widely known for his advice on love and dating. Recently married himself, Hussey has helped thousands of people all over the world, particularly women, overcome their personal doubts, insecurities, and toxic habits in regard to dating.

Want to know what you can do to attract a man for a committed relationship? Here are his top tips.

1. Confidence Is Attractive

This probably doesn’t come as a big shocker. Confidence makes quite a significant difference in how you’re perceived. Confidence can be the top ingredient to your side of the chemistry in talking to a guy. It shows self-esteem, security, and a healthy independence (rather than a neediness) that men find attractive in women. 

Think of confidence as our personality’s perfume or natural makeup. It accentuates our existing beauty and brings attention to what we have to say and how we think of ourselves based on how we move, act, and handle ourselves. Our posture, our word choices, our expressions, whether we angle ourselves toward the person or if we remain stiff and unengaged – all these factors are part of body language communication, and confidence to our body language is like electricity to Christmas lights or a match to a candle wick. Work on building your confidence in various aspects of your life, and it will naturally shine through in your dating interactions. 

2. Be Your Authentic Self

Pretending to be someone you’re not isn’t sustainable in the long run. It just isn’t. Be genuine and true to yourself, allowing the other person to get to know the real you. No one likes a hypocrite or a floozy who changes like the wind. Being authentic with a guy also gives him reason to be able to trust you to be who you say you are, and trust is an essential foundation of a relationship. Follow your interests, pursue hobbies and self-improvement activities, and be genuine with all those you interact with, not just your dates, because to be genuine, you also have to be consistent.

As cliché as it may sound, you are the only person who can do the best and real job at being you, and you can’t really be someone or something you’re not. So, sit back for a little self-awareness check-in with yourself: What are you good at, what do you enjoy, what makes you smile and laugh? Find out and share that with the other person.

Joy is infectious, and too many people today are sad, stuck, depressed, or somewhat lost, and although it’s not your job to fix that in someone (no need for a messiah complex), showing your vigor and passion for living gives the other a glimpse into your soul and can open the window for some deeper connection. Also, any guy will tell you it’s super attractive when a woman is authentically herself and isn’t afraid to share her interests and passions because that shows she’s confident, knows her mind, and is mature. 

3. Have a Positive Mindset

Focus on the possibilities and the potential for connection rather than dwelling on past disappointments or predetermining that the relationship isn’t for you without giving it enough of a chance. You can’t approach every date or guy with a prenup mentality, thinking that it probably will go south or it just won’t pan out because of x/y/z, because this negative mental state will play into your body language, affect your confidence, and not leave you free to just have fun and enjoy the other’s company. 

And yes, there’s always a risk of rejection, but rejection is necessary for growth. If we always get what we want and are never challenged through hardship or heartbreak, we might struggle with fully maturing mentally. 

4. Take the Initiative

Don’t be afraid to make the first move. Whether it’s starting a conversation or suggesting a date, taking the initiative can be empowering. It also shows you want to contribute and “give things a shot,” not to mention you show yourself as an adventurous person and willing to brainstorm ideas to experience new things together. 

In a few of his videos, Hussey brings up the concept of “dropping the handkerchief” as an example of how women can give the green light, so that a guy has an opening. Women often think that a guy “doesn’t have the guts” to ask them out, but if you’re in a group of girlfriends or looking like you’re not approachable or interested, most guys wouldn’t be super excited about putting themselves out there without any encouragement just to get rejected and take the walk of shame back to whence they came!

This is not to say you have to rope the guy in or make everything happen, but you can drop a hint by making eye contact, responding to his glance with a smile, or creating an opportunity to start a verbal exchange. That shows the guy he wouldn’t be dumb or outright rejected if he approached you. Makes sense, right?

5. Practice Active Listening

When on a date, make an effort to actively listen to the other person. Show genuine interest in what they have to say. “Listen and capture,” is what Hussey says, meaning listen well and ask thoughtful questions. Be present, respond, and be curious about what the other is saying.

Many people nowadays simply respond with “oh wow!” or “no wayyyyy,” or “aww, really?” which is not necessarily bad, unless those become the majority of your reactions. Those are closed responses, are extremely generic (though if you’re struggling for an engaged response sometimes those work best), and they get old fast. If you don’t ask thoughtful questions or piggyback off a comment to ask a related question, then you don’t really show yourself as being genuinely interested in getting to know the other person.

Make eye contact, and when you feel the need to break your gaze, look down or to the side and keep that point as your go-to, instead of looking every which way as that will make you look distracted or bored. I used to have a bad habit of letting my gaze wander to the side when I got nervous or was thinking intently about what I was talking about, so it was something I had to improve. Once I was more mindful, then I felt more in control of my side of the conversation and it was easier to be an active listener.

6. Create Mystery

Leave some things to the imagination. You don’t need to reveal every detail about yourself right away. If you do, then there’s nothing else to discover! Creating a sense of mystery while slowly revealing bits of your personality will keep the other person intrigued and wanting to know more. 

7. Set Standards and Boundaries

Know your values, and don’t be afraid to set standards and boundaries for what you want in a relationship. Hussey emphasizes the setting of standards as a fundamental factor in your happiness and in finding the right person for you.

Holding to your standards and boundaries helps ensure you are aligned with someone who shares similar values and who ultimately will respect your values as well as respect you for staying true to yours. If you end up with someone who doesn’t respect your standards, they won’t respect you, and they will push things as far as they can, and the relationship will become toxic. 

8. Have Balance in Communication

Aim for a healthy balance in communication. Think a bit before you speak (or text, guys often send minimalist texts which make the girl’s side of the chat look enormous). Avoid being too distant or too overwhelming, and try not to add filler words or unnecessary details (you don’t want to lose the guy mid-paragraph). Finding the middle ground can help build a connection over time so you can dive into deeper topics and have meaningful conversations that interest you both.

Speaking of which, Hussey emphasizes connecting instead of coaching. Lots of people will insert their opinions on someone’s story or vulnerable comment, but if you’re on a date, you’re not supposed to be their therapist. It’s not sexy to create a therapist-client relationship in the interaction, because instead of empathizing with the other, it actually elevates you to a “superior” or coaching level. There’s a balance required with hearing and using active listening, and by all means, be supportive, but you don’t have to offer an opinion or advice, unless they ask for it.

If the other person opens up about a weakness or a struggle, you can say something like “I can understand that” and ask how they’ve grown from it (see if they’ve used it as a useful opportunity for growth) and you can even divulge something you’re struggling with to share in the vulnerability. This brings you to a middle ground and helps you connect on a deeper level.

9. Show Him Appreciation

Express gratitude and appreciation for the other person. Acknowledge the effort they put into the date or the relationship. Guys aren’t mind-readers, they can’t guess what’s going on in your head or your heart if you don’t tell them! Communication is key, and positive communication will bring you closer together. Little things go a long way, like “I appreciate that you did this after I asked you about it,” “thanks for showing up and being so supportive with that when I shared it with you,” or “I really like how you follow up on what you say with actions.”

Dating is a two-way street, and you have to choose to nurture it. A flower won’t grow if you don’t water it and take care of its needs. Even if the guy is doing a good job in pursuing you, you have to respond by voicing your appreciation, showing up and reciprocating, and telling him through your actions that you do want to contribute to the relationship. 

10. Be Open-Minded to Guys Outside Your “Type”

Be open to new experiences and meeting people who may not fit your usual “type.” It’s very easy in our digital society for women to (even subconsciously) create an “ideal” guy they’d want to meet, but it’s a superficial mentality. It does no good to throw cold water on a possibility before it’s been given a chance.

Now, it’s definitely valid to have preferences, or think you’re really not attracted to a certain type of guy (some girls like darker or tan-skinned men while others like pale blondies), but you have to remain open to possibly making a surprise connection. Besides, most women probably feel somewhat if not outright offended if a guy dismisses them based on their looks without trying to get to know them, so we women should stay open and not write a guy off just because of his bad haircut or because his skin doesn't appear to have seen the sun for a while. Those temporary things are fixable – it’s his character and his mentality toward how he lives life that matters for the long run.

11. Don’t Rush Things

Building a strong foundation often requires patience and allowing the relationship to develop naturally. This time and patience are investments into your future and into your possible future with that person. But dating with purpose requires thoughtful consideration into practicalities, not just butterflies. Even if you could see yourself potentially marrying a guy, you have the rest of your life to be married – savor the time beforehand to get to know him well.

If it starts quickly, it’s likely to fizzle out quickly, because the connection hasn’t had time or opportunity to be tried in the court of human experience and prove it can stand the test of hardship and conflict. It’s different for everyone, and “when you know, you know” and all that, but you do have to have time to get to know the person fully, to slowly unpack their personhood and their past experiences (because we’re shaped by our environment, influences, and experiences).

At some point when dating, it’s good to go through conflict with your boyfriend to see how much of a team you make and if you handle confrontation well together or not. Conflict is inevitable in adult life, but it’s how you communicate that makes all the difference, and the conflict will either make or break your relationship. 

12. Invest in Yourself

Prioritize self-improvement and personal growth. Don’t ever stop learning, because you can always grow more and become wiser. As the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates stated so long ago, “The wise man realizes he knows nothing,” and it’s attractive to others to see someone who values self-improvement. 

Your discipline will also positively impact other areas of your life and make you more confident and secure in yourself, helping you to remain authentic and independent in your unique personality.

Investing in yourself is not selfish, mind you – it’s necessary. Whether it’s self-improvement or healthy self-care, both are needed to be the best version of yourself in order to help others. This applies to mental self-improvement, personal discipline, and time for you. Take care of yourself, and don’t ditch your girlfriends just because you’re talking to a guy! 

Closing Thoughts

Dating methods may evolve with new apps and social factors like a pandemic lockdown, but the basic elements of attraction and chemistry between man and woman haven’t changed much. Take these tips as some helpful insights from a happily married dating expert to improve your approach to finding a mate, or even for nurturing a relationship if you’re already seeing someone! There’s always room for growth! 

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