12 Things That Surprised Me When We Went From One to Two Kids

There’s a lot of debate on whether it’s hardest to go from zero to one, one to two, or two to three kids and I imagine there’s a case for each. We had our first baby in 2022, and while having him did pretty much change every aspect of my life, things surprisingly mostly changed for the better. Now that we’ve had our second boy for several months, I’ve been reflecting on what makes going from one to two a unique experience. In many ways, it’s been more challenging than going from zero to one, but in other ways it’s been much, much easier. These are my top 12 takeaways from becoming a mom to two sweet and high-energy boys.

1. My Second Time Giving Birth Was Definitely Easier

When you’re pregnant with your second, most people reassure you that birth will be easier this time around. Since my first birth was so intense and long, I both couldn’t believe it could be worse but also couldn’t picture how it could be better. I worried that my body just wasn’t cut out for childbirth and my confidence for the natural birth I longed for was no longer there. Then when it came time to give birth, my labor followed the average rates for second babies by the book, down to the total length of active labor and pushing. While I did have an epidural, I didn’t need any other interventions and my boy came out in just 30 minutes of pushing (clock that at about 12 hours for my first). While obviously this will vary for every mom, it was amazing to find out that the second time around really could be easier.

2. I Felt A Lot More Supported Through the Newborn Stage 

As a first-time mom, I didn’t have any close friends who had babies. One of the hardest aspects of adjusting to motherhood was realizing how all of my relationships had transformed because my lifestyle and priorities had to shift. I quickly realized I needed to find mom friends and spent the first year of my first son’s life reaching out and connecting with other moms. By the time our second son was born, I felt so supported by not only my husband and our families, but by my community of moms and other friends who brought us meals, visited me when my husband went back to work, and regularly checked in to see how I was doing. Even though I was now outnumbered by my boys, this made the change so much easier to adjust to than the first time around. 

3. I Grieved Being a Family of Three

Probably the hardest adjustment for me in going from one to two was letting go of being a family of three. I didn’t realize that I would genuinely grieve the sweet simplicity of our little family that I had grown to love so deeply. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to not be able to take care of my first son with the same level of attentiveness I was used to, and that it would hurt me to see him processing things like jealousy and loss alongside his very real love he had for his new brother who he wanted to kiss (sometimes aggressively) unceasingly. I knew the change was good for both of us but the loss of our uninterrupted one-on-one time together was something I had to mourn.

4. But Being a Family of Four Has Held Even More Magic

On the other side of that grief, being a family of four has made for some of the sweetest and most special moments of my whole life. Probably the best part is watching my two boys make each other laugh. They already have a silly and earnest way of connecting that’s totally their own, whether it’s the older boy saying made-up words to crack his brother up, or the younger one shrieking with delight whenever he sees his older brother after any time apart. Plus, having my own little sidekick toddler has really helped ease the inevitable tense moments of raising little ones. Baby won’t sleep and mama’s lullaby and soothing is getting louder and more frantic? Toddler’s there to pat her leg and tell her to “calm dowmn” — and it works!

5. There’s Somehow Still Time For Me

Now let me just say that my expectations for “me time” have already shrunk to a minimum because our first son was what they call a “high needs baby,” meaning, among other things, that naps were 28 minutes on the long end and he screamed the entire length of every car ride. However, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the fact that I still regularly see friends, I’m still writing, and I’m still working on my third album as a singer-songwriter (slowly, but surely). It helps that many of my friends now are other moms who I see throughout the week, but I’ve also stayed in touch with friends who aren’t parents, too. I’ve found that if something is a priority, you’ll find a way to keep it in your schedule. 

6. I Value My Husband Even More

Even though it’s meant that we get even less one-on-one time together, adding another baby to our family has only deepened my appreciation for my husband. Seeing him be a loving father to our two boys and having his support through the unpredictability of raising them has been such a blessing. Even though he can’t be with me through all of the day-to-day messiness, he’s just a text away if I need to vent and he does his best to give me breaks or let me sleep in a little on a Saturday morning. Yes, it’s just that much harder to be alone or to schedule a date, but when we do find ourselves without two squirmy boys to manage, we’ve only found a deeper flame for one another.

7. The Idea That Bad Things Can Happen to Good People Hit Me Differently

It’s pretty human to struggle with the idea that bad things happen to good people. One day when I was disciplining my older son for intentionally hurting his little brother, this concept hit me in a new way. My older son has had to, for all appearances, suffer in various ways since gaining a brother. He’s had to be told “no” more often, he’s lost time alone with his parents, he’s been asked to share his toys, and he’s not been allowed to treat the baby like a doll. As his mom, I know that all of this suffering is for a very good reason — not only to protect his little brother, but to shape him into a more compassionate, loving, and civilized little person. Maybe, at least sometimes, that’s a bit like what goes on with us when we don’t understand why we’re suffering. I don’t think I would have felt the reality of this lesson so tangibly without having a second kid and having to learn to balance both of their wants and needs with the development of their relationship and their individual character.

8. Time Moved Faster

When our first son was about three months old, we hosted a barbecue so that our friends could all meet him. I distinctly remember my husband telling a story about him to a friend, starting with “when he was a baby” — as if he wasn’t still a baby at three months old! Time moved so slowly and he somehow always seemed so old and mature to us. With our second, the time is simply flying by. He’s seven months old now and he still seems like a total baby to me. Part of the quicker pace is definitely due to the fact that I’m tending to two so my attention is divided, and it could also partly be due to the fact that I’ve seen the different stages already with our first son which makes their progression feels quicker. 

9. Falling in Love with Number Two Was Different Than with Number One

There’s also a very real way in which my first son still takes up most of my time and attention. Toddlers demand a lot of your focus, which has made getting to know our new baby very different than our first. During the newborn stage I remember it was harder to feel like I was bonding with our baby because I had more responsibilities to juggle. On top of that, there was already someone I loved who was now working through the emotions of having a new sibling and I really wanted to be there for him while he processed the change. Luckily, our second son has a contagiously optimistic personality (many people have told me he’s the happiest baby they’ve ever seen) so although he’s had to share the spotlight he was instantly an irreplaceable part of all of our hearts and our family. 

10. I Reached A New Level of Parenthood

Amidst the sleepless nights and the increased level of chaos, there have been some seemingly mundane moments that have felt like major parenting accomplishments. Successfully taking both boys out to lunch or coffee on my own, as well as taking both boys to their doctor appointments on my own (on time!) both have felt like very big achievements. When our first son had his first stomach bug, I remember feeling literally paralyzed while holding him, both covered in vomit, totally unsure of who or what to clean up first. Recently our second baby had his first stomach bug and I hardly broke a sweat managing the mess and sick baby while also looking after our toddler. While I’m not always that put-together — by any stretch of the imagination — learning that I can handle these trickier times has been a pleasant surprise.

11. My Parenting Became More Flexible

With our first son, I was incredibly particular about pretty much everything. I opted for wooden toys over plastic, we hid all screens from him for over a year, and I didn’t let him have hardly any sugar or grains until he was about two, to name just a few things. With our second, I have inevitably had to let go of a little bit of that sense of control and my ability to make everything “perfect.” Since our toddler now watches about 30 minutes of television at least a few days a week, if the baby sees the TV for 5 or so minutes while I pop upstairs to get something done, so be it. If we need to be somewhere during one of baby’s naps, I figure he’ll squeeze in some sleep in the car. While overall I still try to do what I can to give him the best start to life, there’s grace in knowing it doesn’t all have to be perfect all the time.

12. I Considered Being Done Having Babies — and Quickly Thought Better of It 

After our second son was born, my husband decided we should take his first six months of life to adjust to having two and not talk at all about whether or not we wanted more kids. As I had originally wanted about four kids, and since I love to dream about them, this was particularly hard for me. But on nights where I hardly slept because baby two just would not sleep peacefully for any stretch of time in any location and I woke up to care for a newborn and toddler alone, I found myself thinking I might not be able to do it again. I wasn’t sure I could handle having two kids, let alone three or more. Fast forward to the end of our baby-conversation moratorium and both my husband and I agreed — yes, we do still want more. No, our baby’s not sleeping much better, and getting through the day can still feel like a great feat, but we both know that in the long run, growing our family will be way more meaningful than anything we’re giving up.

This week after another day of structured chaos, including wonky naps for my baby and an abbreviated “quiet time” for my toddler after just a few hours of nighttime sleep myself, I bundled us up to walk to the neighborhood park just to shake my own negative mood. While we were there, my older boy played with a neighborhood friend who was there with her grandma. Her grandma asked me if we were thinking of having more kids, and when I said yes she said, “oh good, you’re such a good mom and your kids are so sweet.” I could have cried knowing we came across that way and that a day that felt like a total mess to me looked like a success to someone else.

Growing a family is different for everyone but it’s always full of challenges. You can’t predict what your babies will be like, what needs they’ll have, and how your family will adjust to the new dynamic together. Although that unpredictability can be scary, it’s also exciting. If you’re deciding to go from one to two, hopefully you’ll find, like I have, that most of the surprises along the way are good ones. I also hope that the challenges you do face don’t stop you from wanting to try for more kids. If I can do it, so can you.