12 Things You Need To Discuss With Your Boyfriend Before You Get Married

You recently got engaged (or maybe you’re pretty sure he’s popping the question soon!), and you’re ecstatic at the thought of getting married. He’s sweet, trustworthy, steady, loving, and funny, and you could definitely see yourself spending the rest of your life with him.

You’ve been perusing wedding dress shops, scouring the internet for the most beautiful venues, and pondering who you might invite to celebrate your special day with you. It’s natural to get caught up in the flurry of planning a fairytale wedding – the day that you’ll always look back on as the first day of the rest of your life. 

But well before you say “I do,” there are a few important topics to discuss with your fiancé, topics that will help give you a fuller understanding of what being married to him will actually look like, topics that will show you whether or not building a life with him is wise.

Here are 12 questions you need to talk about before you walk down the aisle.

1. What Is Your Money Mindset?

One poll found that 70% of married couples with an income over $50,000 fight about money more than anything else – which tells us that money is incredibly important to discuss before getting married.

What are his spending habits like? Is he a saver or a spender? Does he have any college debt? Any credit card debt? While you don’t have to have everything in common, it’s probably for the best that you’re both on the same page when it comes to money.

2. Is Faith Important to You?

Another topic you don’t want to gloss over? Religion. Our faith, or lack of it, informs the way we see the world. It influences the values we hold, the principles we live by, and what we desire most in life. Faith isn’t a neutral subject when we’re trying to meld our life with someone else’s.

Is he religious at all? Is faith important to him? Do his views/values align with yours? Not sharing at least similar ideas about religion can lead to all kinds of conflict. For example, it might be important to you to take your future children to church. If your husband isn’t on board with that, and even devalues it, this can create a painful rift in the marriage (one that the kids will feel too).

3. Do You Want Kids?

Speaking of children, it’s in your best interest to discuss your and his feelings about parenthood long before the wedding. Does he want children? Do you? How many does he want? How long does he want to wait? What if fertility issues arise? Would he be open to adoption/fostering?

Because women have a limited time to have children, and because having children (or not) isn’t something to convince someone to do or compromise on, it’s smart to ensure your desires align before agreeing to spend the rest of your life with him. 

4. How Do You Want To Raise Your Kids?

Agreeing on wanting kids is just the tip of the iceberg. You also have to align on how you want to raise children – what parenting style you want to try, what kind of rules and boundaries you’ll set, and how you’d handle a variety of situations (such as a toddler throwing a tantrum in public or a teen sneaking out).

What are a few things about the way he was raised that he would change? What about his upbringing would he pass on to his children? Do your ideas of what “good parenting” is match up? Would you be a united front, or too often on opposite spectrums?

For a marriage to be healthy and life-giving, we have to feel free to express our beliefs.

5. What Are Your Political Views?

While it’s not necessary to be in complete and total agreement politically, you’ll also appreciate not having to hide your thoughts, opinions, or ballot from your husband. For a marriage to be healthy and life-giving, we have to feel free to express our beliefs.

Do politics matter to him? What are his views on hot-button issues? Do you feel free to have open, respectful, constructive discussions about politics with him? Do you at least generally agree with each other?

6. What’s Your Ideal Lifestyle?

If you’re planning to build a life with him, it’s best that you have a similar vision for how your life ought to look and similar desires for your life. This topic sounds a bit ambiguous, but here are a few key questions to focus on: Where does he see himself living? What kind of lifestyle does that place entail? Would he relocate for a job, or is place more important to him than profession? If he could paint a picture of his ideal life 10 years from now, what would it look like?

7. What Is Your Attitude Toward Sex?

As your potential life partner, it’s important that he treats intimacy the same way you do. Does he see it as just a physical act that doesn’t require commitment, or does he think it’s important to wait until marriage? Or is he somewhere in between? 

This isn’t only reflective of how he’ll approach sex in your relationship with him and what he’ll expect, but also of how he’ll one day teach your children about it – will he be instilling values you agree with?

8. Is Being Near Family Important to You?

Some of us prefer to keep family at arm’s length, only ever seeing them on holidays and birthdays. Others prefer for their family to have a more active role in their life – to the point where they’ll move somewhere just to be closer to them.

Is his family important to him? Does he want to involve them in his life and live near them? How does this match up with how you feel about your family? Does it seem like one of you will always be compromising more than the other, or like your families will be competing for attention?

Is divorce something he reserves as an option, or does he believe marriage is for life?

9. What Is Your Opinion on Divorce?

While divorce rates have recently begun to decline, it’s hardly an uncommon occurrence. Divorce has become somewhat normalized in the United States, meaning that even if it’s not something you’d consider, it’s essential to discuss it with your potential husband.

Is divorce something he reserves as an option, or are there very few circumstances under which he’d think about it? Would he consider going to marriage counseling before resorting to divorce? Or does he believe marriage is for life?

10. What Is Your Love Language?

Love is something we all express and receive differently – these differences are perfectly captured in the five love languages: quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. One (or two) love languages will be significantly more meaningful to someone than another.

This means it’s important to be familiar with his love language(s), even if it doesn’t come naturally to you. Is he someone who appreciates a sweet “Thinking of you and how great you are” mid-day text? Is he all about regular, technology-free date nights? Does it make him feel loved when you hold his hand?

11. How Do You Handle Conflict?

Just like we each offer love differently, we also handle conflict differently. Some of us might prefer to continue talking through an issue until we come to a solution, and others might prefer to take a step back to process on their own. Some of us learned how to fight well, while others never learned the art of managing a disagreement.

Was he ever taught how to handle conflict? Does he see conflict as “us vs the problem” or as “me vs you”? If your approaches to conflict are different, is he willing to compromise on his way of handling conflict? 

12. What Are Your Plans for the Future?

Whether he’s the type that has a loose idea of where he’d like to be in five years, or he’s the type that has a solid plan he’s working toward, it’s important that you’re able to find common ground with his plans for his future.

What goals, if any, is he currently pursuing? What does he want to accomplish in the next 10 years? What are his priorities in life, and are they similarly ranked to yours? Does the trajectory of his life align with yours? Do you want the same things?

Closing Thoughts

While it’s not as romantic as planning a fairytale wedding, it’s crucial that we cover these topics with the man we’re thinking of marrying, raising children alongside, and spending the rest of our life with.

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