5 Signs You Are Mothering Your Man (And How To Stop)

If there’s one thing you love (aside from your guy, of course), it’s feeling like you’re taking care of your husband. Doing things for him is your love language, whether that’s making sure you’re always stocked up on his favorite chips, reorganizing his sock drawer whenever it gets too messy, or giving him a long back scratch at the end of a busy day. In many ways, you feel like it’s in your nature to be nurturing, considerate, and helpful. And you don’t mind at all extending that to your husband.

Maybe you came across a thread on X about why women should split chores evenly with their husband, or maybe a friend made a “I’d never do that for my husband, he can pack his own lunch” comment that gave you pause, or maybe after cleaning up yet another discarded coffee mug that he left on the counter, you’ve simply started to wonder if you do too much for your husband. However the question came about, you’re asking yourself if you’ve become more of a mother, and less of a wife, to your husband.

And you’re conflicted, because while you genuinely enjoy showing him love by taking care of him, you don’t want to create a dynamic where you’re taking care of him the way a mother takes care of a child. So is that what’s happened, or are you overreacting? What are the signs that you’re mothering your husband? And perhaps even more importantly, how can you stop?

You Don’t Trust Him To Do Simple Tasks

Whether it’s washing the dishes, making his own doctor’s appointment, or knowing how to handle raw chicken, you don’t trust him to know how to do relatively simple tasks, tasks that are part of any adult’s knowledge. You might make assumptions about what he knows and doesn’t know – and more often than not, you land on the side of “he probably doesn’t know.” This looks like suspecting he doesn’t know how to check a plate’s cleanliness before putting it on the drying rack, so you’ll remind him every time he goes to wash a dish, or offering to call the dentist for him when he mentions needing to visit.

What To Do Instead

We’ve all heard what they say about making assumptions. Rather than thinking you’ll need to teach him everything there is to know, begin with the belief that he probably already knows. Chances are, he learned early on to always wash his hands after touching raw meat and doesn’t need you to hover over his shoulder to remind him. And if there is a simple task that he isn’t skilled at, a nonchalant correction (“Looks like there’s still some food on this fork. Can you wash it again?”) will suffice.

You Have a Habit of Taking Over and Calling It Helping

We’ve all been there – you see someone doing something poorly (at least, by your standards), something that you could do in a snap, and you’re itching to jump in and help. For example, let’s say that your husband decided to throw a small party for some of his friends. He mentioned that he wanted to put everything together himself, but before long, you’re planning decorations and finger foods and a party playlist. You saw it as helping, but he probably saw it as you taking over entirely. A little part of you feels like he should be grateful – the party wouldn’t have been nearly as nice and nothing would get done without you, you tell yourself.

What To Do Instead

Taking over like this strips him of his independence and can easily create resentment because your “help” implies you think he is incompetent and not intelligent enough to complete the task correctly. It’s difficult to break this habit, because it often comes from a desire to make things run more smoothly, but any time you can let your husband do something on his own, let him – even if you believe (or know) you could do it better. And the next time you’re tempted to “help,” remind yourself that if he wanted your assistance, he would have asked you for it. In the instances where he does ask you for help, it will feel that much better to both of you.

You Make Decisions for Him

You often find yourself making decisions for your husband about what to wear, what to eat, or what to do with his free time. You tell yourself that if you weren’t there to pick out his wardrobe, he’d always look like a slob; or that if you weren’t there to remind him for the umpteenth time about his high cholesterol, he’d make every unhealthy food decision possible; or that if you weren’t there to tell him to get out of the house, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. And so, you tell him which pair of shoes to get rather than letting him pick, and you tell him what he should order rather than asking what looks good to him, and you tell him what to do with his day rather than allowing him the freedom to spend a Saturday morning playing a few rounds of video games.

What To Do Instead

Your job as a wife isn’t to make every decision for your husband – it’s to offer your input when he needs it and also to trust that he often knows best and is capable of making his own choices. This looks like encouraging him to get a pair of shoes if he likes them (and even if you don’t), trusting him to make wise food decisions, and refraining from controlling how he wants to spend a morning off. If your default is to control all your husband’s decisions, try letting go of the reins and giving him the freedom to exercise the maturity and intelligence he possesses. 

You Constantly (and Needlessly) Correct Him

None of us get everything right one hundred percent of the time, but for the amount of times you correct your husband, an onlooker might think he couldn’t do anything right. Maybe you have a habit of correcting the way he pronounces a word, or you’re the first to tell him when he gets a factoid wrong, or you insist that he dice onions your way, even if his method gets the job done too. There isn’t a day that goes by when there isn’t something to correct him about.

What To Do Instead

Facing endless corrections gets tiring (not to mention, embarrassing, especially when it’s done publicly). It sends the message that you don’t see your husband as your equal, which is a recipe for bitterness and distance. There are few things less romantic for him than feeling like he’s your student, even if your intentions are sincere. Keep corrections to a minimum and keep them private. Let more “mistakes” go than you correct, and remind yourself that he might just have a different way of tackling a problem than you do. Is it really that important if the towels are folded the exact way you like them? Or should it matter more that your husband folded towels at all?

You Protect Him Too Much

The last thing you want your husband to feel is hurt. You can’t stand to see him not get the promotion he’d been hoping for; you hate the thought of having to bring a fault of his to his attention; you’re always ready to take his side whenever he has a disagreement with a friend. You don’t want your husband to ever feel bad, so you do everything within your power to shelter him from the harder things in life.

What To Do Instead

It’s natural to want to protect the ones we love from pain, disappointment, and failure. But these things are also part of life; there is no avoiding trial and tribulation. It’s not wrong to be cognizant of your husband’s feelings, but you also can’t make it your mission to shield him from ever feeling negative emotions. He won’t get every promotion, will need to hear that his attitude was immature, and will have to live through arguments. Your husband doesn’t need you to hold his hand and protect him from the storms of life – he needs you to trust that he can weather them and to offer him a safe place through them.

Closing Thoughts

Because it’s natural to want to nurture the ones we love, it’s all too easy to fall out of “wife” territory and into “mama” territory when attempting to show love and care for your husband. There’s nothing wrong with liking to cook for him, or filling in his weaker areas, or feeling a sense of accomplishment in being able to anticipate his needs – this is what partners do for one another. But exerting control, making decisions, being overly protective, and correcting him one too many times will act as poison to your marriage.

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