7 Patterns Of Couples Who “Made It,” Explained By A Relationship Therapist

No one gets married thinking it will end in divorce, but for 41% of first-time marriages, divorce is where they’ll end up. Even when things start looking sour and red flags start to appear – less physical affection, more nagging, whatever it may be – it’s not too late to turn things around. When couples implement therapeutic tools in their marriage, that 41% is turned on its head and we see 70% of couples thriving decades later.

Jenna Shaffer is a marriage counselor and licensed therapist whose life mission is to help couples maintain the love from their honeymoon all the way to, well, forever.

Shaffer shares, “It sucks when the good morning messages stop coming. When you stop stealing kisses while you’re in public. When you don’t look forward to your spouse coming home…but you just have to find the right tools. Sometimes you need Jesus and psychology.”

Shaffer released an online course about what it takes to make it in your marriage and beat the staggering divorce statistics. These seven patterns of couples who made it are the best place to start. 

1. They Set Healthy Boundaries with Family

If you’re looking to keep your relationship long-term, put your relationship first and set clear boundaries with family. Couples with this pattern didn’t vent to their mom and sisters about issues surrounding their spouse, which often creates a one-sided skewed portrayal of your partner. Sure, it’s healthy to go to your family for insight and advice when it comes to relationship challenges from time to time, but it’s another thing entirely to use them to air your grievances about him. You should be airing your grievances with him and work through it as a couple privately.

It’s also easy to make decisions based on what your family may want, but before you agree that your summer vacation will be your annual family reunion, talk to your spouse about what they want. When my husband and I got married, it was a major source of contention on whether or not we would continue going to my family’s Sunday night dinners. I didn’t understand what the big deal was, but he felt the need to set firmer boundaries with my family. Ultimately, shifting through guilt, expectations, and traditions when it came to our families of origin strengthened our new family.

2. They Established a Friendship

There’s a lot of debate on whether or not your spouse should be your best friend, but it’s a non-negotiable that they should at least be a friend. When we talk about love, we need to remember its three forms and how they build on one another: phileo (friendship), eros (romantic), and agape (sacrificial). In other words, friendship is the basis for a healthy relationship. 

It’s important that your spouse doesn’t fulfill every relational need – it's unfair to expect or assume that he will want to go out with you to every social occasion or talk about every topic you enjoy. It’s incredibly important to keep healthy friendships when married because, let’s face it, no one can replace your girlfriends or your mom, but when it comes to you and your man, establishing a friendship is key to thriving long-term. You don’t have to have the same hobbies, but you need to enjoy spending time with one another, have a similar sense of humor, and even find companionable silence comforting.

3. They Suffered Together

This one is tough but pivotal. Nothing brings two people closer than carrying a heavy burden together. Early on in my husband’s and my relationship, we found out his brother was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer at age 37. He had one year left to live. Not only do values, beliefs, and morals reveal themselves in moments of pain and suffering, but true character breaks through as well. 

Sometimes the suffering is solely between the couple. Breakups, breaks, and even broken engagements aren’t always irreparable. I’ve seen the strongest relationships emerge from couples who broke one another’s hearts, only to learn that the breaking was necessary to make each other stronger.

Love is a choice, and choosing to stay when the going gets tough or choosing to let go out of willing the good of the other at your own cost is the best proof of love there is.

4. They Let Each Other Be Themselves

Don’t fall in love with the idea of someone but for who they truly are. There’s no greater feeling than knowing you can be totally and completely yourself around someone.

Loving or being loved in light of quirks, beige flags, and weird ticks creates a base level of respect and admiration for the other. Love flourishes in freedom, and embracing his weird habit of communicating via cat memes or organizing your soup alphabetically will become endearing, I promise.

5. They Had Difficult Conversations

Raise your hand if you avoid confrontation like the plague. Now raise your other hand if you have abandonment issues. It’s never easy to have difficult conversations with anyone, let alone someone you’ve staked so much of your heart on. 

When my husband and I were dating and decided to take a break, I literally had to role play conversations with my therapist. It was hard for me to fathom a scenario where sharing my deep, raw, and honest feelings didn’t result in something broken.

It also took therapy to learn how hard it was for me to admit what I was feeling. Simply saying, “I feel confused and overwhelmed,” was like leaping into a volcano for me. There’s power in “naming and taming” our emotions, and for couples who made it, emotional regulation played a pivotal role in their relationship.

My husband loves to remind me that “clarity is charity.” Identifying healthy communication channels and creating safe spaces for honest conversation creates fertile ground for trust and security to flourish.

6. They Fought

If you don’t find yourself getting into arguments, disagreeing, or occasionally annoyed, something needs to be addressed. Many of us grow up believing that anger is not an acceptable emotion to have, and we never learn how to properly express it. The truth is though that it’s a natural part of life and it should be a natural part of your relationship too. Learning how to fight fairly in your marriage – without hurling insults, name-calling, deflecting, or resulting to physical violence – is essential.

According to a study published in Gender and Society, 56% of women report feeling that societal expectations discourage them from expressing anger openly, fearing judgment or negative repercussions. This is why having difficult conversations is so vital in relationships – it’s important for you to feel safe to express how you’re feeling in a healthy way. If you don’t, you need to unpack why you don’t feel comfortable. 

7. They Made Light of Each Other’s Quirks

Lastly, couples who made it appreciate and acknowledge the quirks in each other. In the words of Hannah Montana, “nobody’s perfect.” It’s not just a sign of a healthy relationship but personal maturity to be able to laugh off something hours later, to acknowledge embarrassing mistakes, or to not be hyper-critical of yourself or your spouse. According to research from The Journal of Marriage and Family, couples who use humor to diffuse conflicts are 35% more likely to report having a strong, resilient relationship. It’s so much easier to accept than to change. 

You don’t always need to fake it til you make it. Take these practices and start implementing them one at a time, acknowledging which ones come naturally to you or your spouse, and where you both struggle. We’re all capable of having relationships that last…sometimes we just need a little help.