7 Rules To Live By If You’re Using Dating Apps To Find Your Husband

There is a very dark side to dating apps, but there are also countless examples of people finding long-lasting love through these platforms. My eyes really opened to the power of the dating app when a high school friend suddenly fell into a whirlwind relationship, moved to a different state, got married, started a farm, and had a couple kids. Turns out, she had found her man through a dating app, and the two of them clicked so well that she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

While I won’t pretend like dating apps don’t often just end up fostering the worst types of behaviors, they are a tried and true method of meeting a man. It’s still entirely possible for you to find your future husband IRL, but if you’re willing to go down the dating app route, then we’ve got several substantial rules to live by so your dating app experience is worth its while.

1. Master Your Vetting Skills To Weed Out Hookups

Some guys will throw a total curveball at you and honestly make you believe they’re in it for the long haul, but instead are just in it for a bit of instant gratification. So how can you figure out whether or not he’s just looking for a hookup if it’s not so straightforward anymore? Here are several critical questions you need to be asking yourself.

When you guys finished your date, how did he approach the future? Was he generic in his response, making loose plans that might fall through the cracks like “Let’s do this again sometime?” Chances are, if he’s not actively pursuing you for a second or third date, then he’s not interested in anything beyond what already happened. If you’re not front of mind for him, even if you’re still just in the early dating phase, he’s not going to factor you into his future.

Did he come onto you too fast? Look, it’s not my place to personally judge whether or not you’re cool with going to first, second, or third base on your first date, but take an objective view of what it means to get intimate right off the bat. If things got sexy really quick, did he see you for who you are inside as a woman, or did he see your body for what pleasure it can bring to him? 

Is he willing to integrate you into his circle, or is he holding you at a distance? A guy doesn’t need to introduce you to his extended family right away, but if he doesn’t seem comfortable bringing you into his life by talking to you about his friends and family or making any concerted effort for you to get to know them whatsoever, then he likely sees you more as a side piece. Furthermore, is he reaching out to you for non-hookup purposes? Has he shown an interest in how your day or week is going, and not just to test the waters to see if you’re free to meet up that night?

Is he too flirty? Yes, a man can actually shower you with too many compliments. If a guy is just lusting over your appearance, there’s a much higher chance that he just wants a hookup. Nothing says ulterior motives like being relentlessly flattering. He’s less interested in your brain, maybe asking a couple questions just to cover his bases, but then continually brings it back to flattery. Maybe he doesn’t challenge the things you say and just is overly agreeable in an effort to fall into your good graces and make you open up to him!

2. Day-Date before You Accept a Dinner Date

You might want to adopt the rule of meeting up with a guy during the day to start and not going out together at night. There’s a reason why people say that bad things happen after dark, after all. From a neurophysiological perspective, people are more likely to engage in impulsive, indulgent, or even harmful behaviors the later it gets during the day. It may seem irrelevant to bring up how people make unhealthier nighttime food choices or commit more crimes during darker hours, but this neurological hypothesis is really important to keep in mind when you’re dating. Let’s also keep in mind the fact that a late-night call just exudes “last resort” for when he’s got no better options to satisfy his needs.

If you want a man who is serious about a committed relationship, catch him during daylight hours first because you’ll get to know him at his best and most authentic self. Researchers believe that the human brain functions best during the day, even if you consider yourself to be a night owl. It’s a green flag if a man is more than willing to get to know you in daylight hours instead of going out for drinks, dinner, and then turning in for some Netflix and chill. 

See if he’s interested in doing a morning hike together before brunch, meet him for a post-lunch hour coffee, visit a museum or community garden together, check out a local farmers’ market and then have a picnic with your haul, meet up at the lake or the beach, reminisce over childhood memories at an amusement park, aquarium, or zoo. All of these ideas are mostly daylight-dependent and force you two to get to know each other's minds instead of just one another’s bodies.

3. Lead with Clear Standards

If you’re even mildly shy, you might feel hesitant about being forward in what you’re looking for. That said, what you ask for (or a lack thereof) is what you get! You need to make it clear right off the bat that you’re actually looking for a relationship. If you’re upfront about this, you’ll likely weed out most guys who will just end up wasting your time.

Having clear standards also means remembering your own self-worth. Though the common view of marriage is that a man and a woman make major sacrifices to create a union, that doesn’t mean that you need to sacrifice how valuable you are. Be a little bit selfish. You’re a woman who is worthy of respect and consideration, so you shouldn’t allow yourself to settle for anything less than that. You’re also worthy of love, but receiving love shouldn’t mean sacrificing who you are. 

What do I mean by this? Compromising your values and perhaps sleeping with a guy before you’re ready would be a big one. Another common problem is letting yourself be just a bit too available. You know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. If, from the get-go, a man sees you as easily available for his every whim – no matter how innocent and well-meaning the whim may be – he’s less likely to respect your autonomy. Once you’re married, you’ll be creating a union, but you will also be drawing certain lines that keep you as an autonomous individual. Don’t blur those lines unnecessarily.

You might feel inclined to jump into full devotion if you’re dating to marry. I get it, you’re excited about the prospect of marriage, and you just want it to happen already! That sort of excitement can easily cloud the boundaries you might otherwise have. We’ve all got boundaries, and frankly, most of us need to have a much tighter grip on them. I’m not saying you should put up walls; rather, you should be explicitly clear about what you’re cool with and what you don’t vibe with whatsoever. The right man will pay heed to these boundaries and respect you for speaking up.

4. Engage in Open-Ended Questions and Conversations

It’s a lot easier to deal with a husband who prefers Mexican takeout in lieu of your favorite Thai takeout than with a husband who doesn’t want kids while you’re dreaming of two, three, four, or more.

You don’t have to be very forthcoming with family planning questions if you’re feeling a bit shy. It has been said that men mature more slowly than women, so if he’s not abundantly communicative about wanting kids right now, that doesn’t necessarily mean he lacks a paternal instinct. There are really subtle ways to understand whether or not someone is a family man by just analyzing his behavior. 

What’s his relationship with his parents like? Does he enjoy spending time with them, or does he dread it? How does he react around babies? How about cute animals or pets? Does he take a nurturing approach and seem fascinated, or does he turn his nose up in aversion?

Is he either setting himself up for success by seeking higher education or technical training, or is he complacent in a job with no career growth in sight? Does it seem like he’s saving finances for the future through smart investing, or is he a little bit too comfortable living paycheck to paycheck?

How much is he willing to let his guard down for you? While it’s a red flag if a guy is chomping at the bit to tell you all his dirt, if he is comfortable talking about his emotions with you, then he’s much more likely to be husband material. It’s not so easy for men to show their emotions, so it’s a good sign if he can reveal his true self to you. Emotional maturity can signal someone will be a nurturing parent.

You still should ask the more frivolous questions like what his favorite foods are and learn about the little things that make him tick, but if you want a lasting relationship, then you need to get a bit analytical. If you need more inspo, I highly recommend you read our article on 10 unusual questions that might just reveal some deep truths.

5. Don’t Let Yourself Play Psychiatrist

We’re naturally inclined to want to lift our lovers up and help them in any way we possibly can. That said, you are only you, so you can only do so much to solve his issues. Does this guy only seem to reach out to you when he’s feeling down? He’s likely viewing you as a security blanket, and if you establish a relationship based on this, he might be inclined to discard you or disregard you when his need for support has passed.

Think about the standard wedding vows which include the words “in sickness and in health, til death do us part.” When dating for marriage, you should only be giving the time of day to someone who wants to be with you when they’re on top of the world and when the going gets tough. 

6. Try Not To Accidentally Catfish

Earlier this year, I analyzed a couple key findings from Tinder’s 2022 “Year In Swipe,” and one of the most fascinating finds was that airing your social and political stances can make or break your dating experience. Tinder shared that 75% of people on their platform wanted their match to either personally be invested in social issues or at least be respectful of one another’s stances. What’s more, they found that a little over half of singles thought regular voting makes someone more attractive, and nearly half of all singles cited a lack of civic engagement as a dealbreaker.

So what am I on about with catfishing? Well, we all know what the term typically refers to: a person who adopts a different visage and identity online from who they truly are. It’s usually used when someone poses as a person that looks entirely different from themselves or lives a wildly different life. 

No, I’m not accusing you of catfishing if you’re not forthcoming with your social and political stances, but in our increasingly politicized climate, you need to be honest with your matches if politics, policy, or social issues really matter to you. There are so many spicy topics that can kill a match. Tinder’s report cited reproductive rights as the most polarizing issue for 2022, then gun policies and education. 

Dating someone who isn’t just a carbon copy of yourself will obviously challenge you to find common ground and mutual respect about the stances that you two don’t align on, but if you’re not honest about just how politically engaged (or completely ambivalent) you are, you might be doing your future self a disservice. Honesty is always the best policy, especially if you’re looking for something life-long! You don’t want to just be agreeable for the sake of keeping a spark alive; if you know from his profile that there are some stark political differences between the two of you, don’t keep it a secret. It could lead to future fights and even a KimYe-style split-up.

7. Make Sure You’re Using the Best-Suited Tool for You

Apps like Tinder are infamous for a reason. They’re breeding grounds for thirsty people just looking for a hookup despite the software having the capacity to make marriage-worthy matches. If your intention is to tie the knot and most dating apps have you feeling gross, perhaps it’s time to try those “old-fashioned” sites that predate hookup hubs like Tinder.

Ever considered eharmony? It’s no longer just a dating website! Eharmony now has an app where you can benefit from their more detailed services. Instead of relying on profile pictures and looks first, eharmony prompts you to fill out a compatibility quiz and personality profile so that you’re actually getting matched up with people who are worth your time. While this platform isn’t fully free, that cost may be worth it for better matches.

What about Match.com? A website like Match.com is stigmatized by younger generations because it’s arguably less trendy to have a profile on, but the matchmaking process is eons better than Tinder. Like eharmony, Match.com has you fill out a lot of information for your profile and go deeper about your values and interests. While this one isn’t free either, both eharmony and Match.com have free trial periods.

Lastly, have you ever considered faith-based dating apps? Unfortunately even more stigmatized than the last two, faith-based dating apps are actually valuable tools! If you’re a woman who sees your spirituality as a guiding element (if not the sole guiding element) of your life, why not do yourself a favor and narrow the playing field automatically by only picking from a pool of men with similar values? Christian Mingle and JDate are both solid options for Christians and Jews respectively. Again, neither will be free like Tinder, but your match compatibility will easily be better from the start.

Closing Thoughts

Just like how you can’t blame the car when a distracted driver rear-ends the vehicle in front of them, you shouldn’t swear off dating apps even though they’re capable of cultivating bad habits. What you put into a tool largely determines what you can achieve with it, so if you weaponize the process in a smart, thoughtful way that weeds out the bad apples, you could find yourself winning in the end. Arm yourself with your personal values and guiding principles, and get out there!

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