In The "Talking" Stage? 7 Major Things To Avoid

The talking stage — the phase of a relationship that doesn’t yet have a label on it but is definitely of the romantic variety — tends to get a pretty bad rap. “‘Talking stage’ is literally the worst concept to ever exist,” writes an X user. “What’s the point of the talking stage? We are adults, we already know what we want,” writes another. The mere words “the talking stage” will elicit a tired sigh from many a single woman and groans of Can we just…skip to the part where we’re official?

And it makes sense why this is the response. The talking stage can feel like something that’s almost impossible to graduate from, a period (or prison) you get stuck in eternally while all your other single friends get asked to be exclusive after just a couple of dates.

All that to say, there’s quite a bit of talk on the internet and on social media about how awful, terrible, and horrific the talking stage can be. There’s even some shame and embarrassment tied up in it, too. And while there are certainly difficult things about this time in the course of a relationship, we want to pump the brakes on all the negative talk. Sure, it’s not where we want a relationship to stay forever, but it’s also a typical (even necessary) part of a new romance. We can’t exactly go from swiping to labels in a day, nor is it wise to make a habit of jumping into a committed relationship after one two-hour date. 

With that in mind, let’s take a moment to remind ourselves that the talking stage isn’t something to avoid at all costs but something to learn how to navigate wisely. Yes, there are downsides and areas of caution whenever you’re in that phase, so knowing how to maneuver the talking stage and having a game plan will be a much better, more beneficial course to take than attempting to do away with it altogether.

So for the next time you find yourself in the talking stage (because, if you're actively dating, it’s likely that there will be a next time), here are a few things we’d advise you not to do.

Don’t Let It Go On for Months

The talking phase is (for the most part, at least) inevitable. It's a natural part of getting to know someone new, of the courting process, of deciphering whether this is someone you could see something long-term with. With that said, talking stages aren't supposed to drone on and on. They're meant to come to an end — that's their purpose. 

While there isn't a universal number of dates that a couple needs to go on before the talking stage will come to an end, most couples start to get more serious after five dates. If you're going out every week, that's about a month and a half, around three months if you only meet up every other week. 

A talking stage that lasts longer than three months is no longer a talking stage — it's a situationship.

The longer the talking stage goes on, the less chance there is that the relationship will grow into something lasting. These first few weeks are when you're setting the tone for the rest of the relationship, and if there isn't at least some movement toward commitment from the start, there probably won't be three months down the line, either. A talking stage that lasts longer than three months is no longer a talking stage — it's a situationship.

Don’t Think You Can Convince Him To Want More

We get it — this guy is so perfect in every way. He's funny, handsome, sweet, and successful. Everything about him is exactly what you want in a guy. And yet, if you remember correctly, he did say something about not being ready for something serious. He did mention wanting to take things slowly (whatever that means). 

You were willing to let him take his time and not pressure him into anything before he's ready, but part of you thinks if you just gave him a little push, he'd suddenly realize you're the girl he's been waiting for all along. So you give your best performance and play the role of the girl you think he wants, but after a few weeks, you notice that no progress has been made. You even hear from a friend that his dating profile is still active. 

Convincing a guy to want to be exclusive won't go the way you're hoping. He might let you believe there's a chance he'll change his mind, but the reality is, if he wanted to be with you, he would. He wouldn't need convincing. He wouldn't want to risk losing you. If you find yourself thinking about trying to convince him toward commitment, it's time to take a step back.

Don’t Get Physical

Early on in the relationship, everything is new and exhilarating. There are so many firsts — the first hug, the first hand hold, the first kiss. And because women often experience a surge of oxytocin (a bonding hormone) as things become more physical, it's easy for these boundaries to get pushed rather quickly. But if there's one thing we can warn you against? Don't (just don't) get physically intimate during the talking stage. 

Not only will it create mismatched attachment, as women tend to get more attached through getting physical early than men do, but it opens up the chance for greater heartbreak if things don't end up working out. Moving on from an almost-relationship is one hundred times more difficult once that barrier has been broken because you're trying to do something (forget about him) that you weren't hardwired to do. While the relationship might have stayed in casual territory, your body experienced what happened between you as anything but casual.

Don’t Post Him on Your Socials

There's something about posting someone on your timeline or feed that makes things feel all the more real, especially with the "soft launch" approach that many are taking today, where women post only hints of their boyfriend sprinkled over weeks and months. So it makes sense that you'd want to quell the worry of whether or not this relationship is the real deal by posting a cute picture of you, but until he's asked you to be his girlfriend, we suggest that you hold off on making it Instagram official.

Waiting to do a photo dump will save you the embarrassment and heartache if things end up going south and you have to scrub his existence from your feed. Plus, it places less pressure on these early days by keeping things light and not inviting outside opinions on your brand new romance.

Don’t Initiate the “What Are We?” Talk More Than Once

In a perfect world, you wouldn't even have to broach the "what are we?" subject. He'd make it clear from the start that it's real. But alas, we don't live in a perfect world. And some guys are less apt to make their intentions clear — maybe due to shyness, pain from a past relationship, or a lack of intention. 

If a guy truly likes you and sees a relationship with you, he won't leave you wondering what's going on, especially after you express confusion about where he's at.

There are times when the simple act of asking him where he sees the relationship going is all the nudge he needs to feel free to take things a step further, so it's not necessarily a bad sign to bring this conversation up. But if it's a subject that doesn't get resolved after the first attempt, we wouldn't recommend bringing it back up in the hopes that something will change. If a guy truly likes you and sees a relationship with you, he won't leave you wondering what's going on, especially after you express confusion about where he's at.

Don’t Disregard Red Flags

Ah, red flags. We've all been warned countless times about them. We know better than to get involved with a guy who says he's just "looking to have some fun," or a guy who leaves us waiting by the phone, or a guy who has a history of cheating on girlfriends.

And yet, far too often, when we actually come face to face with these red flags, we either flat-out ignore them or can't see them through our rose-colored glasses. But the talking stage is the time to be cognizant of red flags, before you're too far in, too committed to see or accept them. Now is not the time to ignore red flags but to be on the lookout for them.

Don’t Prioritize Him Too Much

We've all been there — the moment we get into a new relationship, suddenly everything revolves around that person. We're ready to drop everything just to be with him, whether it's seeing our friends, going to work events, or making good on the promise we made to help our brother move. Falling for someone new means you're almost motivated to catch up on the time you've wasted not knowing him, and so you prioritize seeing him before everything else. 

But during the talking stage, he hasn't earned that kind of special treatment. Rather than letting your world rotate around him, continue to live your own life and have your own schedule. Honor your other engagements and continue to spend time with your friends and loved ones. Prioritization comes with commitment.

Our behavior should match the level of commitment within the relationship. The more serious the relationship, the more devoted our actions. But before that, it's best to pace ourselves and remember that the talking stage can actually serve us, if we let it.