8 Signs To Tell If Someone Is Actually “Toxic”

The beginning of a new year always causes us to take stock of our lives. Whether we sift through our closet for clothes we should donate, look through our credit card bill to cancel subscriptions we don’t need anymore, or think about starting over in a brand new city, there’s something about the new year that makes us want to rid ourselves of the old and embrace all that is new.

We also tend to do this with our relationships; platonic, familial, or romantic. We constantly hear about how essential it is to banish all negativity from our lives, to cut out unnecessary drama and toxicity from our inner circle in order to live our best lives. 

And while it is crucial to consider whether the people we’re in relationship with are healthy for us, we also run the risk of labeling someone a “narcissist” when really, they’re just going through a rough season, reacting to life circumstances we don’t know about, or are simply immature and in need of a reality check. Not everyone who seems “toxic” truly is.

So how can we tell when someone’s actually toxic, to the point where we would be better off cutting ties with them?

They’re Always “Right”

None of us like being wrong; in fact, we typically have a million reasons to think we’re right, justified, or correct in our actions. Yet, the more mature and well-adjusted someone is, the better they’re able to own up to it when they’re wrong about something, admitting their misjudgment.

But when someone is toxic, it’s not just that they’re unwilling to admit any wrongdoing, but in their mind, they’re always right. They’re smarter than everyone else in their mind, always totally justified, and have the corner on truth. This is because toxic people live by their own rules, not by what’s objectively right or wrong.

They Put Everyone Down

We’d all be lying if we tried to say we haven’t ever judged someone harshly, unfairly, or without compassion. We’ve all held weird prejudices, disliked someone for all the wrong reasons, and been less than kind about someone behind their back.

But for a toxic person, everyone is fair game when it comes to put-downs. They’ll usually have something negative to say about someone, whether or not they know them very well. Toxic people will be known for what they hate more than anything else.

Toxic people live by their own rules, not by what’s objectively right or wrong.

They Twist the Truth

Everyone’s lied about something before, whether it was big or small. It’s unfortunately natural for us to be dishonest when it benefits us. But we also learn that honesty is something we should pursue, and as we mature, we understand that lying is wrong.

A toxic person, however, won’t really learn their lesson when it comes to stretching the truth. They won’t feel remorse if they lie in order to get something they want because their main objective is to serve themselves, no matter who it affects. 

They Never Really Apologize

No one is naturally good at apologizing. It’s a skill we have to learn through trial and error, and it’s one we also have to be mature enough to recognize is necessary. Even so, when we realize we did something wrong, we feel regret, and we inherently desire to make things better.

But a toxic person won’t learn the art of apologizing, even if we’re able to call their attention to the fact that they did something wrong. Instead, they’ll find excuses, shift blame, or get defensive. 

They Don’t Care How They Make Others Feel

Haven’t we all been guilty of saying something hurtful, whether or not we meant to? Or made a comment that, immediately after, we realized came out completely wrong and we instantly worried how we affected the person across from us. We feel ourselves blush, our stomach drop.

A toxic person won’t feel that kind of instant remorse. They aren’t concerned with others’ feelings because, to them, theirs are most important. Instead, if anyone does feel uncomfortable or hurt by something the toxic person said or did, they’ll simply tell themselves that person is too sensitive.

If you do feel hurt by what the toxic person said, they’ll simply tell themselves that you’re too sensitive.

It’s Their Way or Nothing

While it’s natural to think our method of cleaning the kitchen is the best way, we also learn to be open to another’s suggestions – and sometimes, we even find that we learn something new by opening ourselves up to someone else’s idea.

But for a toxic person, there’s no such thing as someone else knowing better than them. Because of their overinflated ego, they can’t imagine that anyone would have better insight than they do, so what they say is what goes.

They Start Arguments Like It’s a Sport

Most of us don’t love to argue. While we might get particularly stubborn about a certain topic or dig our heels in now and again, it’s safe to say that the majority of us would rather stay away from conflict, even if it meant having to hold our tongue.

On the flip side, a toxic person won’t back down from an argument for the sake of peace like most of us would. Rather, they’ll find reasons to argue, treating it like a sport to be won instead of something to be resolved.

They Don’t Respect Boundaries

Boundaries are limits that we set within our relationships that are meant to protect our well-being. They allow us to say “no” and have it respected, and to choose how we’re willing to be treated by someone. They’re absolutely necessary for any relationship to function healthily.

They’re also something that a toxic person won’t respect because boundaries limit how we let someone else treat us – and toxic people don’t react well to playing by someone else’s rules. A toxic person will do everything they can to sidestep our boundaries, from manipulating us to ignoring them completely to convincing us we don’t need boundaries.

Closing Thoughts

Being toxic doesn’t simply mean being immature or extra irritated that day. A truly toxic person won’t admit that they need to change, will find a way to manipulate us, and won’t respect anyone else’s desires.

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