8 Things To Consider Before Dating A Much Older Man

Here are the top eight things to consider if you are thinking about getting involved with a much older man:

1. His Lifestyle and Energy Levels

They are called May-December romances for a reason: You’re in the prime of your life and full of youthful energy, eager to experience the world, while he’s likely already past that stage of life with no desire to relive it. Will your lifestyles conflict if you always want to go out and do something, but he would rather relax at home? Will you get frustrated when he goes to bed at 9pm, but you wanted to stay up late and watch a movie? Are you going to be at your peak in your career when he is ready to retire? 

Your ability to experience the world the way other women of your age do will be hindered somewhat. You may not get to have the experience of fully blossoming into your own person on your own terms, nor will you get the experience of building a life together from scratch with a man of your own age. If fully experiencing life as a young person is important to you, you may want to consider how you’ll negotiate that in your relationship. 

2. Your Friends

Integrating into each other’s social circles is not easy. With his much older friends, you may often be viewed as a child or, depending on his financial status, a gold digger. Your friends may wonder why you’re with such a boring old codger. If you’re okay with having separate social circles or if both of you are introverts, then this may not be important. But if both of you socialize a lot, this could become a problem if one person’s friends don’t accept their partner. Learn how to handle the side-eye and nasty comments that you will get from a lot of people. If you really love him, you can aim to demonstrate the qualities of a mature woman and avoid reacting to this negativity. In time, many of them may come around and sometimes even apologize for having doubted your relationship.

3. His Family

In a relationship with a small age gap, you and your husband would have parents of a similar age, most likely not too old, and you would be able to focus on building your own family long before you would have to consider caring for aging parents. But in an age-gap relationship, his parents are likely getting up there in years, and he may be called on to spend a lot of his time and energy on them rather than on building a family with you. Or you may be called on to help be a caregiver for his parents at an age when you’re trying to build your own life. It’s worthwhile to have a conversation with him about how he would balance those needs.

You may be called on to help be a caregiver for his parents at an age when you’re trying to build your own life.

4. His Age

He will likely start facing health problems associated with aging long before you do, and you could end up being a caretaker for him for years to come. If he’s a lot older, it’s also likely that he will die much sooner than you, and you could be widowed at an age that would be considered young for widowhood but too old for prime dating years. Are you okay with potentially spending long years at the end of your life alone or with trying to re-enter the dating market as an older woman? What provisions is he willing to make for your support after he is gone? A man who loves you will be concerned about the future you will face without him. 

If he follows a healthy lifestyle, he can overcome some of these age-related considerations, but if not, you will want to make sure he is open to making healthy lifestyle changes to ensure he will be around for as long as possible, especially if you choose to have children together.

5. Children

The financial security of an older man is very attractive to women who desire children and can indeed be a mark in his favor. But it’s not all flowers and sunshine. If he already has children, they could even be close in age to you. Will you find that uncomfortable? And are you okay with being a stepmother in a blended family and co-parenting with his ex? If he has children, is he willing to have more with you? Is he even able to have more with you? Older men are just as likely to have fertility issues as older women, and the risk of genetic abnormalities in a fetus increases with an older father. Is he willing and able to pay for fertility treatment if it is needed? And while men don’t like to talk about it, impotence can become a problem as a man ages if he doesn’t follow a healthy lifestyle.

6. His Exes

He probably has a few exes by this stage of his life (and if he doesn’t, you should be wondering why, exactly, no one else wanted to date him?). Some of those exes may have put him through the wringer, and now he has relationship trauma that isn’t easy to shift. Or some of those exes may have been wives or mothers of his children. If so, he may still be entangled with them for alimony and child support payments or co-parenting arrangements in which the ex will remain a significant feature in his (and your) life. 

With an older partner, there is less opportunity for you to build a life with him based on a shared vision.

7. His Ready-Made Life

He may already have his life put together the way he wants it. If that vibes with your own plans, that can be a great thing. But consider that with an older partner, there is less opportunity for you to build a life with him based on a shared vision. He may have already realized his vision and likely doesn’t want to change much. You might be part of that vision, expected to just slot neatly into his life. Dreams and goals you have for your future as an individual or as a couple may conflict with his career goals, for example. If your ambitions for your education, career, or family conflict with his, are you prepared to sacrifice yours or ask him to compromise?

8. His Money

This one might sound weird because many people assume a younger woman is only with an older man for his money. And older men are often more financially stable, which is a nice bonus. However, there is already a significant power differential in an age-gap relationship, and money can exacerbate it if it becomes used as a tool of control in the relationship. When he earns so much more than you, it can be tempting to become reliant on his financial support for a more comfortable lifestyle, but if the relationship turns sour and you want to leave, you may find that it is very difficult for you to do so. It can be a good idea to preserve some of your financial independence, even with a man who is overall generous and free with his money.

Closing Thoughts

None of this is to suggest that a May-December romance can’t work out, but statistically speaking, they tend to fare worse than relationships with a smaller age gap. The “ideal” age gap for relationship satisfaction seems to be about 3 years. Age-gap relationships that do work out are ones based on something other than passionate love or social exchange. 

If there are other things that hold you together, such as shared goals and endeavors, and you share a deep love and respect for each other, then your husband’s age starts to disappear in your eyes and you just see them as the person you love. But without those deeper factors holding you together, then the general rule is that the bigger the age gap, the more likely the split, and it’s worth noting that the younger woman in these relationships tends to be more dissatisfied than the older man.

Ultimately, the heart wants what the heart wants, and we can’t always control with whom we fall in love. When Eros arises between two people, we tend to throw our dating checklists out the door. But before you start actively seeking out an older man or deepen a commitment to one you’re already in love with, it would be wise to consider the extra challenges that an age-gap relationship poses and make sure you know what you can and can’t live with.

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