9 Honest Drawbacks Of Surrogacy For Both The Parents And The Surrogate

Surrogacy is seen as glamorous and altruistic. It’s a purely selfless act of sacrifice, and enables couples who wouldn’t otherwise be able to grow their families to add children to their fold. Through surrogacy, couples who are experiencing infertility or who have same-sex partners are able to have children. Nowadays, a couple needs no reason at all to opt for surrogacy but their own desire not to be inconvenienced. It’s an expensive option, which makes for a lucrative industry. 

We have Khloe Kardashian to thank for a renewed interest in the major concerns surrounding surrogacy. On a recent episode of The Kardashians, she disclosed the difficulty she has had bonding with her son, Tatum, who was conceived with her ex-boyfriend and serial philanderer Tristan Thompson. Tatum was carried via surrogate, which stirred up discomfort for her. “It’s really hard for me. It’s a mind f*ck, it’s really the weirdest thing,” she says to sister Kim and Scott Disick on the show. “I felt really guilty that [the surrogate] just had my baby, and then I take the baby and go to another room.” 

“I wish someone was honest about surrogacy,” she adds. 

Khloe has also said that her bonding with Tatum has taken “months” and that they still don’t have a “complete bond,” compared to her experience of bonding with her daughter True in “days,” whom Khloe bore herself.

Perhaps without intending to, Khloe touched on one of the foremost concerns a prospective parent or surrogate might have with regard to using surrogacy to grow a family. But there’s a whole host of other drawbacks besides the issue she briefly touched on, and it’s time we looked at them honestly. 

There’s a Dominant Narrative We Can’t Deviate From

Because surrogacy has a societal stamp of approval, it’s difficult to find valid criticisms or really hear from parents or surrogates whose experiences didn’t conclude happily. If you take a look around Reddit, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or any other form of media, surrogates who share their firsthand experiences with hardship and disappointment are blamed and shamed for not knowing better or not being better educated beforehand. As with any debate on social media, there are also boundless comments that begin more or less with, “You might have had a bad experience, but mine was great!”

The motivation behind making it hard to shine a light on these hardships is to de-incentivize people who have reservations about surrogacy from speaking up or surrogates who’ve had poor experiences from being open and honest about them. Surrogacy is altruism in action, nothing more, and if you have concerns about its ethicality, you don’t want couples to be parents, and if you’re a former surrogate now against surrogacy, it’s probably your fault. There’s a narrative at play that’s hard to deviate from, which makes it hard to accurately and thoroughly examine both sides of the argument. 

When the realities of a controversial topic like surrogacy aren’t exhaustively reflected, it makes it that much more difficult for both parents and potential surrogates to be fully aware of the drawbacks. If you’re a woman researching becoming a surrogate, you’re induced by pictures of families and lucrative financial agreements – but those aren’t equally balanced with the actual outcomes many surrogates face afterward.

It’s Purely Transactional

There’s a large element of altruism and selflessness surrounding choosing to be a surrogate, and the monetary incentives certainly don’t hurt, either. But at the end of the day, no amount of selflessness makes up for the fact that, by design, surrogacy is a purely transactional experience. This might sound like pointing out the obvious, but think about it. Someone pays a woman to carry and birth their child. At the end of the hospital stay, someone else – who may be a stranger – will walk away with the child you’ve just delivered. You might be friends or even family with the parents, and they might promise you an open experience, wherein you’re allowed to interact with the child and watch him or her grow up. But the child who lived in your womb doesn’t live with you, and they never will. 

However well-connected to the family you are or aren’t, and however positive you feel about it initially, it’s still a transaction.

Other people are responsible for their own parenting and raising them in their own way of life, values, and convictions, and you have absolutely no say in that. Promises of being involved in their life may wane over the years, and the money you were paid may not last forever. It’s well and good to talk about altruism and being able to make a family complete, but it’s not altogether honest. However well-connected to the family you are or aren’t, and however positive you feel about it initially, it’s still a transaction.

The Non-Gestational Parents May Have Trouble Bonding

There’s a scientific reason that Khloe Kardashian likely found it more difficult to bond with her son, and it doesn’t begin and end with not gestating him in her body, though that’s obviously a large part of it. In truth, the connection between mother and child, or in this case, surrogate and child, goes so much deeper than we could’ve imagined.

Maternal antibodies constantly delivered to the baby through the placenta impact its growth and development, and even its metabolism. We know now that cells belonging to a baby may travel through the placental wall and end up residing in the mother’s brain, muscles, skin, and other organs. Even after the baby is delivered, the genetic code of a different human being still remains within the mother. It makes basic sense then that the bond between mother and child isn’t just physical, but psychological and emotional as well.

There’s a Handmaid’s Tale Aspect To It

The “optics” of things aren’t necessarily indicative of how they actually are in reality, but the most logical among us have to admit that in all the discourse in recent years about mandating that women more or less become “incubators,” there’s something significantly unsettling about seeing a celebrity pose with a child that someone else carried, in a hospital bed that someone else delivered in.

We’ve seen things now in our society that older generations would have never thought possible. It’s not out of the realm of possibility to suggest that sometime in the future, young women might be further incentivized or even compelled to be surrogates for elite classes who can afford it but can’t conceive their own children – which is more or less the plot of The Handmaid’s Tale. 

It’s Confusing for the Child

Look for experience with surrogacy, and you’ll hear from both parents and surrogates about how rewarding it is. But these conversations or advertisements for surrogacy never seem to include more than photos or videos of happy-looking children. Aside from not being able to gain the various benefits of breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact with the mother, a person born from a surrogate might struggle with their identity as they mature, or struggle with a sense of belonging in their family. One such individual describes feeling “abandoned” by her mom when she learned she was carried by a surrogate. If we know that parents are having difficulty bonding with these children, isn’t it logical to also conclude that the kids in turn will have difficulty bonding with their parents?

It’s Expensive for Either the Parents or the Surrogate

Surrogacy, on average, runs about $100,000 more than an alternative choice like adoption (which sits at about $50,000 per child), but the cost could go up depending on the area, if egg donation, IVF or artificial insemination is used, if the surrogate has more experience, or if she is carrying multiple children. Those fees include all legal costs, medical costs, travel or agency expenses, and a personal fee for the surrogate, but parents may try to mitigate those expenses by having a friend or family member be the surrogate. Even then, the cost could still be between $30,000 to $60,000.

Any change on the surrogate’s part would effectively give the parents cause to sue her for breach of contract.

But if something goes awry, which does happen, the surrogate (who may have been persuaded into surrogacy through the compensation) might end up footing hefty legal and medical expenses. One such case was a lawsuit filed by a surrogate in California in 2016. The woman in question was hired by a man to be inseminated with his sperm and three donor eggs, all of which developed into embryos. But the dad in question only wanted twins, and demanded that the surrogate abort one of the children to suit his wishes. In the end, the surrogate accrued legal fees for representation for the lawsuit – even when she made it clear her wishes were to adopt the unwanted child, which the dad wanted to prevent.

You’re Unprepared for the Emotional Toll

You can prepare all you want for the eventuality of having a child that was in your womb for nine months go home and be raised by other people, but there’s no accounting for how heavily that weight will eventually hit you. Development of baby blues or postpartum depression is common after birth, but the disconnect is even larger when you consider having PPD but not having a child. Perhaps that’s in part due to the unnatural aspect of surrogacy. There’s nothing more abnormal than having a child that you delivered taken from your arms. Even if you feel comfortable in the moment, you still have the rest of your life to live with it.

There Are No Physical Guarantees

Even young, fertile women can face high-risk pregnancies, and as healthy as a prospective surrogate might be, she might still face problems during pregnancy which could affect her future fertility. If she wants children in the future, this could potentially be impacted by surrogacy, or her health might impact someone else’s child that she chooses to carry. As well as you might prepare beforehand, you can never plan for the curveballs – miscarriage or an emergency C-section or other traumatic birth experience. Despite clauses and contracts and legalese and financial compensation, there are no guarantees that can be made for a surrogate, physical or otherwise.

The Surrogate Has All the Risks

The surrogate carries all the risks, including physical, emotional, mental, financial or otherwise. No matter how compatible the surrogate might seem with the prospective parents, conflicts can always develop (for any reason) over the course of the pregnancy. Any change or failure to follow the agreed upon terms of the contract on the surrogate’s part would effectively give the parents cause to sue her for breach of contract or result in her paying damages. She faces potential harm to her mental and emotional health, as well as her physical health, and this decision will affect the rest of her life. 

Closing Thoughts

By now most of us are well aware of the high points most often cited by proponents in favor of surrogacy: a financial boost and a feeling of deep gratification that comes with contributing to a family. But until we equally examine the very real drawbacks of the matter, we’re unable to have truly sincere, transparent, and critically thorough conversations about the implications of this business.

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