Am I Adult Enough?: Do We Still Need Coming Of Age Rituals In Modern America?

I woke up on my 18th birthday and went to high school like I would any other day. I didn’t feel any different, which was disappointing. The truth is that feeling like and becoming an adult would happen gradually. Though I was legally an adult, I had to experience graduating high school, going away to college, turning 21, graduating college, and getting my first job out of college to really feel like an adult, and my experience is a common one.

Many of us think that becoming a legal adult changes everything, but the truth is that becoming an adult is a gradual process that we all experience on our own timelines. However, it wasn’t always like this, especially in countries and cultures with significant coming-of-age rituals.

Coming-of-Age Rituals across the World 

America is a melting pot of many cultures, and many of them still celebrate coming-of-age rituals. Jewish-Americans celebrate bar mitzvahs for boys and bat mitzvahs for girls when they turn 13, becoming adults in the Jewish faith, and many Christian denominations, like Catholicism, Orthodoxy, and some Protestant denominations, celebrate Confirmation, where teenagers become adults in the eyes of the church. Many Latin American cultures (including those in the U.S.) celebrate quinceñaras for girls who turn 15. Some American families celebrate a daughter's 16th birthday with a Sweet 16 party, but it’s a less common practice than religious or cultural coming-of-age rituals.

Other cultures worldwide take coming-of-age rituals more seriously, especially in some Asian countries. Countries like Japan, Korea, China, and Cambodia, celebrate rituals for teens and young adults (the age changes by country and gender) with either religious and/or cultural significance. Many of these rituals require traditional cultural attire and celebrations with family afterward. Historically, many Native American cultures had coming of age rituals for women that often focused on when they got their first period. Other coming-of-age rituals in 19th century England and America included young ladies being presented to society as being of marriageable age, sometimes “entering society” through a debutante ball, and usually also outwardly indicated by wearing their hair up.

Coming-of-age rituals establish a clear line between childhood and adulthood, for the individual and society.

Coming-of-age rituals serve the purpose of establishing a clear line between childhood and adulthood, for both the individual and society. This was helpful in times and cultures when your work responsibilities started in childhood or when marriage was more essential to the political, social, and economic structure of society. But in modern day America, where we have a clear childhood phase of life and the freedom to provide for ourselves without getting married, do we really need them anymore?

What Does It Mean To Come of Age in Modern America?

Though many of us have gone through religious and cultural coming-of-age rituals, there aren’t any official, universally acknowledged coming-of-age rituals in modern American society. The closest things we have are rites of passage like getting your driver’s license, graduating high school, going to college, graduating college, getting your first job, getting your first apartment, getting married, and having kids. The problem is that not every American experiences these milestones, and we often experience them at different ages and stages of life.

Alternatively, you could consider certain birthdays (16th birthday, 18th birthday, 21st birthday, 25th birthday, 30th birthday) as major milestones, but again, not everyone is at the same place at a certain age. Think of your 21st birthday, known as the birthday when you’re (finally) old enough to drink legally. Some 21-year-olds are college students, and some never went to college and have been in the workforce since graduating high school (or didn’t finish high school), and some are already married with kids. But since we don’t all experience these milestones or at the same time, they don’t really work well as coming-of-age rituals.

Let’s Focus More on Living on Our Own Timelines

At 28 years old, my friends (that are the same age as I am or close to my age) and I are all in different stages of life. Some are married with children, some are newly married and/or expecting their first child, some are engaged, some are dating and looking for a future husband, and some are more focused on careers than relationships. All of these points of life and experiences are valid, and it’s where all of us are meant to be at the moment. As a single woman who wants to get married and have children in the future, it’s easy to envy my friends who have that, but the truth is that we’re all on our own timelines. 

Could a modern-day coming-of-age ritual reduce the FOMO some of us face? Possibly, but I think we are better off focusing on the birthday-based rituals, as well as the concept that we’re all living on our own timelines.

No matter where we are in life, we should celebrate birthdays. Being alive is a gift.

Blogger Kat Jamieson writes, “Living life on your own timeline requires courage. Society, friends, family, and even strangers all seem to have an opinion on when you should or shouldn’t be doing things. Everything from what age you should get married at, what age you should have children at, when you should buy a house, when you should start a new job, when you should move in together…the list goes on and on.”

Women tend to feel the pressure more than men. “Women, in particular, are faced with an insane set of unspoken societal standards aren’t they?” Kat continues, “When I turned 31 last year, I personally felt it more than ever before. It felt like an invisible rulebook or guide that was out there saying you should get married as soon as possible, have babies right away, and buy a house with a white picket fence, all while working full time and looking perfect!”

I couldn’t agree more with Kat’s message, echoing my personal belief that we should celebrate significant birthdays as coming-of-age rituals, even if we’re all in different stages of life at those ages. We should go all-out on milestone birthdays (do a bar crawl with friends on your 21st or have a cheesy 13 Going On 30-themed party for your 30th) because no matter where we are in life, we should celebrate birthdays and life in general. Being alive is a gift, and we shouldn’t waste it.

Closing Thoughts

Though we all legally become adults on our 18th birthdays, the process of becoming an adult is gradual and varies from person to person. Coming-of-age rituals and celebrating milestone birthdays are important, but it’s more important to remember that we all live on our own timelines.

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