Are You Actually Upset At Your Boyfriend Or Are You Depressed?

You love your boyfriend, you really do. He’s thoughtful, dependable, fun, and romantic. All of the things a boyfriend is supposed to be. And by most accounts, you’d say that your relationship is a good one…or, at least, it used to be. Lately, things have felt different – off – between you two. You aren’t sure why, but your relationship has changed. Gone are the fuzzy feelings you used to have for one another in spades. Now, all you’re feeling is unsettled, annoyed, and disconnected.

You’ve been getting into more tiffs than usual, and the scuffles have started to become more and more intense and have taken longer and longer to move past. But it’s not just that – you’ve started to feel distant from him, as if the guy you first fell for is gone. You’ve felt rejected by him, as if he lost interest in you somewhere along the way. You’ve felt like he doesn’t treat you the way he used to, as if it was all an act before, just to get you locked down before he showed you his true colors.

And while you don’t exactly want to throw out the entire relationship and start from scratch, you can’t help but question what the likelihood is that this change is here to stay – if your once wonderful relationship has simply gone sour, or if there might be something else at play that triggered the shift. But what might it be?

You think back over the last few weeks or months – from the time when you noticed that everything had changed – and comb through everything that’s been going on for you. What you notice is that you’ve been struggling lately, independent of your relationship. You’ve been feeling mentally exhausted and emotionally drained, even aside from the newfound issues with your boyfriend. And you wonder if that has anything to do with the changes you’ve noticed in your relationship. 

So what’s to blame here? Are you actually mad at your boyfriend, or are you just depressed?

Taking Your Feelings Out on Him? Does That Actually Happen?

Sure, it makes a good amount of sense that the state of our interior world would affect our exterior world. It’s not unexpected that what’s going on inside would color the way we feel about and perceive everything that’s happening around us. But taking your feelings out on your boyfriend, all without even realizing what you’re doing? What are the chances of this actually happening?

Well, they’re not exactly low. A study published in 2023 of 72 different couples over a period of 14 days asked participants to report their “feelings, behavior, and perceptions of their partner’s behavior.” Researchers concluded that when participants were feeling more depressed, they were more likely to perceive “their romantic partner’s behavior as more distant and hurtful, and they felt treated worse and more rejected.”

But these negative feelings didn’t just stop with the individual experiencing depression or negative emotions. The study also revealed that the other partner also felt more distant, hurt, rejected, and treated badly by the partner suffering from depression. If you’re flipping through your mental scrapbook of the last few months of interactions between you and your boyfriend right about now, just know that you’re not alone.

How To Spot the Difference Between Relational Issues and Personal Issues

So we’ve settled it’s possible that the changes in your relationship could be attributed to something going on inside you. We know now that negative feelings are, essentially, contagious when it comes to our relationships. And that the emotions of one person will easily color the emotions of another. 

But what we don’t know is how we’re supposed to differentiate between what might be a “you” problem and what might be an “us” problem. How can we spot the differences between our own personal issues that are bleeding into our relationship and legitimate relational issues that we shouldn’t explain away?

It’s difficult to tell sometimes, especially because relational issues can contribute to depression, creating a “the chicken or the egg?” scenario. According to Shannon Kolakowski, a licensed clinical psychologist, “being depressed can cause you to pay less attention to your partner, be less involved, be more irritable or have trouble enjoying time together – all of which can cause your relationship to falter. On the other hand, relationship problems such as high conflict, lack of communication, withdrawal, and difficulty resolving problems, can all lead to depression.” So how do we go about spotting the differences, then?

The Signs That It’s a “You” Problem

First, take stock of everything else that’s going on in your life. Have you been having trouble at work? Do you feel fulfilled professionally? What about your other relationships? Have you been struggling with your family or your friends? Have you been feeling isolated or lonely? How about your self-esteem? Have you been feeling insecure about your body, your accomplishments, your worth, or your direction in life? 

If your relational issues are stemming from your depression, these questions could help shed some light on what’s triggering the negative feelings that have bled into your relationship. It’s possible that feeling unappreciated at work caused you to be hypersensitive and read negative intent into your boyfriend’s innocuous comment. It’s possible that falling out with a close friend created a worry in you that your boyfriend wants to leave too. It’s possible that a lifelong battle with low self-esteem is sabotaging your relationship.

The Signs That It’s an “Us” Problem

On the other hand, if your sadness is being triggered by an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship with your boyfriend, there are a few warning signs that are worth paying attention to. Does the relationship cause you to question your worth? Do you feel like the only one who cares about where the relationship is going? Have you questioned if your boyfriend truly cares for you? Does your boyfriend criticize you often and make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells? Do you feel like you have to change in order to get your boyfriend to love you? Do you feel less at ease when you’re with your boyfriend than you do when you’re alone?

It’s possible that feeling like the only one in the relationship who is invested has created an insecurity that you’re not enough to keep him around. It’s possible that after multiple instances where your boyfriend made a joke at your expense in front of friends or invalidated your feelings or made light of your desires, you’re questioning if he actually cares about you. It’s possible that his criticism has become so frequent and harsh that you feel like you can’t do anything right. It’s possible that you’ve reached a point where the thought of seeing him makes you feel anxious. These things definitely indicate an "us" problem and the source of your negative emotions.

What To Do If You’ve Been Taking Your Feelings Out on Him

Let’s say that after taking some time for introspection, you’ve come to the conclusion that your depression is the guilty party and not your boyfriend. You might be wondering if there’s any way to fix the havoc that depression has wreaked on your relationship. And while every situation and relationship is different, we can look to studies to assess just how seriously mental health can affect relationships. 

In a study published in 2015 in BMC Public Health, researchers found that in couples where one partner struggles with mental health issues like depression, the rates of divorce were significantly higher than in couples where both partners did not report experiencing mental distress. So it’s safe to say if having a healthy relationship is your goal, it’s important to take action sooner rather than later.

First, approach your boyfriend to talk through what you’ve discovered. Ask him if he’s been feeling the same distance that you are. Let him know that you love him, are committed to him, and suspect that your relational issues have stemmed from your personal issues. Invite him to express what he’s perceived in your behavior, and do your best to allow him to speak honestly. Entering the conversation with a desire to work together rather than litigate or defend yourself is key to walking away from it feeling more connected to your boyfriend.

From there, you might consider going to counseling in order to work through your various personal struggles and to gain the tools that will help you not only get a handle on your depression but learn how to keep it from having a negative impact on your relationship.

Closing Thoughts

Maybe there’s trouble in paradise, and your relationship is on the rocks. Or maybe you’re misinterpreting the negative emotions you’re feeling as a sign that it’s time to break up, when you’re actually just sad and would greatly benefit from focusing on bettering your emotional well-being and mental health.

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