Ask Evie: Help! I Can’t Seem To Date Successfully Without First Being In The Friend Zone For Months
Welcome to Ask Evie, our advice column. Readers can submit their questions, and our editors will dish out their best advice!
READER’S QUESTION: "I’m 25 years old and have been in a handful of relationships. Out of all of my past dating experiences, the most fun, exciting, and mysteriously thrilling relationships have started off as just friends and eventually evolved into something more (the classic Pam and Jim office relationship).
On the other hand, the few relationships I’ve had that start out with dating have ended horribly. I get the ick at least by the first date and find myself repulsed by each lovey-dovey thing that he does and can’t stand to talk to him anymore. I’ve caught the ick once because the guy stared at me too much, another time because of the way he took selfies and constantly used Snapchat filters, and another because he insisted I say 'chicka-boomba,' a word he made up when he was 12…
I guess my question is: Is it common for people to feel like they can only date after being in the friend zone, or is there something wrong with me? Should I give up on skipping the friendship stage before a relationship? I’m sick of ruining relationships with great guys over petty reasons, but how do I explain that to guys that I find attractive once they ask me out?"
EVIE’S ADVICE: We would argue that being friends first is actually a really solid way to approach a romantic relationship! Being friends first gives you the ability to get to know someone in a fun, no-pressure setting. You can learn who he is, his background, what he likes and dislikes, his politics and values, his quirks – all through friendship. Later, if sparks begin to fly, great! If they never develop because he still says a word he made up as a preteen, that’s great too. At least you have a good friend and spared yourself an awkward first date!
The downside to starting as friends is if you try a romantic relationship and it doesn’t work out, then you potentially lose that friendship too. The upside to meeting a guy with the intention of dating first is that you both know that if it doesn’t work out, there’s no trying to salvage anything. You can just accept it was a wasted evening and move on.
The right approach to dating is what you’re comfortable with and what produces better experiences for you.
But really, there isn’t a “right” way to approach dating. What makes it “right” is what you’re comfortable with and what produces better experiences for you. If history has shown you that starting off as friends first generally gives you better results, then go with that. It's also possible that the guys you've met on dates just haven't been right for you. When you meet that special someone, you likely won't be put off by any of his quirks.
As far as explaining it to guys you just met or met through a dating app, you could say something like, “Thanks for asking me out! I appreciate the compliment! But I really prefer to get to know people first as friends, so if you’re okay with that, we could do XYZ instead.” This indicates you reciprocate the interest, but that you also have preferences for how you approach dating. Just keep in mind that if he’s asking you on a date, then he’s already romantically interested, which might make it difficult for him to be “just friends.”
Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.