Ask Evie: How Do I Tell My In-Laws I Don’t Want Them To Come For My Birth?

READER’S QUESTION: "My in-laws insist on coming (from out of state) for my next birth, even though last time they didn’t want to watch my other three children while I was actually at the hospital giving birth. We ended up leaving the oldest with them and taking the younger two to a friend’s house to spend the night on the way to the hospital. My parents also live only an hour away, so I don’t really NEED my in-laws to come. How can I nicely tell them to just stay home?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: Your in-laws are probably excited to meet their newest grandchild – even if they aren't comfortable with taking care of multiple young children on their own for a day or two. As frustrating as that might be to you, they might feel out of their depth – they're not familiar with each child's tastes and abilities and nap/bedtime routines, especially if they live out of state. And if they're older grandparents, they might just lack the energy or the mobility to effectively care for your children.

With all of that being said, you are the one giving birth, and you and your husband should have the final say as to what happens during this special time. Some people feel more stressed out by having visitors (even grandparents) during their labor or the first few days postpartum, even if they have the best intentions of helping out. Creating an isolated baby bubble to soak in all of the newborn snuggles and rest, and getting your children acclimated with the new baby, may be something you and your husband want to do totally on your own. You’ll never get these first days with your brand-new baby back. Although it’s understandable for grandparents to be excited about this new chapter, there’s truly no rush for everyone to meet the baby right away. In the days following labor, you’re bleeding, in diapers, and extra hormonal, and it’s okay if you only want your mom or husband around for that time rather than your in-laws, whom you might not feel as comfortable around. You can also mention that you’d like to limit visitors as much as possible during the first couple of weeks due to the risk of illness passing to the baby (one of the best excuses that came out of Covid!). All in all, if you feel like your in-laws visiting during the birth is more of a burden than a blessing, then you need to bring that up with your husband and find a way to tactfully communicate your decision to your in-laws. 

You can start out by saying that while you love them and are excited for them to visit, your mom really wants a turn to be the support person during this birth. You can say that you would love for them to visit two weeks after the baby is born to meet their newest grandchild. You can mention that you feel overwhelmed by the idea of having multiple guests or splitting your children up to different sitters (maybe your mom feels more comfortable watching all of your children together at home). Add whatever benefits of delaying their visit you feel will be pertinent: you'll get to spend more time with them, they'll get to spend more time with the baby, your husband will be on paternity leave and get to spend more time with them as well, etc. Is there a local festival, fair, or event you could take them to as a family outing? Would it be more helpful to you to spread out grandparent assistance by having their visit come later? Basically, what will soften the blow for them is making the later visit feel more enticing and more helpful than babysitting during your birth!

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.