Ask Evie: How Do I Tell My Sister I Don’t Want To Be Her Therapist Anymore?

READER’S QUESTION: “I’m not sure how to tell my sister that I can’t be her therapist anymore. My sister is six years older than me, and I love her to bits. We message each other constantly about everything from random office quotes to asking for advice, and often we’ll have conversations on different apps simultaneously. My sister turned 30 this year, and for the past several years, she has been having a rough go. She has dropped out of college twice from different programs, she has been working at the small renovation company she’s currently employed at for about four years, and she doesn’t have many friends in the city she lives in. My issue with all these problems that she has is that she hasn’t done anything about it, and she keeps bringing up the same problems repeatedly to me. I’ve tried to tell her that she is in control of her life and that she is fully capable of making a change, but she hasn’t made one in four years. 

To give an example of one issue she brings up: She is upset that she can’t find a better paying job that will hire her, except she doesn’t have a degree or diploma of any sort. Each time she dropped out of college, it was her decision and was ultimately from a lack of motivation to study. She started taking some online courses to get a drafting certification so she could get a better job, but each time she completes one course, she feels burnt out and needs to take at least a semester or two to recover, so she’s not even halfway to getting this certification after two years. She’s also unwilling to face the fact that in this day and you need some sort of degree or diploma to get a better paying job. 

Throughout these past four years, I have been receiving messages from her almost bi-weekly that she feels like her life is going nowhere jobwise, boyfriend-wise, or money-wise, but never has she made any steps to improve her life. I try to help her out by encouraging her or trying to give her advice, but after four years of hearing the same things over and over, I’m tired of being her therapist, especially because I’m the only one she messages about this stuff. I’m not sure how to tell her in a loving way that I can’t handle these ‘rant sessions’ anymore or that I think she may need a therapist to help her with these problems. Thanks for your help!”

EVIE’S ADVICE: It’s hard to set a boundary with a sister you’re close with and love dearly, especially in an area where there wasn’t a boundary previously. But you are right in assessing that this is a situation where your sister would benefit from professional help. A licensed therapist can help your sister evaluate her desires and her choices, come up with manageable plans to achieve her goals, teach her productive coping skills for the stresses of life, and provide her with accountability. The therapist will be able to stay impartial, speak the harsh truths your sister needs to hear, and won’t be affected by any negative reactions on your sister’s part.

It’s hard to have to “parent” an older sister, but she is an adult and you have our permission to let her live like an adult.

So how do you get your sister to look for help from a therapist and not from you? Well, you ultimately can’t force her to make an appointment with a therapist, but you can do what you can do: Tell her the truth with love. You can have a conversation with your sister, preferably over Facetime or in person so she can see your expression and hear your tone of voice, about how you have noticed that she has been unhappy about the same things for several years now, and while you love her and want to support her, you can’t help her in the way she needs help. You’ve provided a sympathetic ear and offered your advice, but since she hasn’t taken it, you’re not going to talk with her about those topics anymore. It’s up to you to decide how blunt to be here, but giving her one or two specific examples can help illustrate your position. Next, recommend that she find a licensed therapist who can coach her through these areas of unhappiness because you want her to make the progress in her life that she herself wants to make. Remind her that you love her, and that’s why you’re having this conversation. You want her to be happy, but that’s going to take more than the two of you messaging each other the same things over and over. 

Your sister may or may not take this conversation well in the moment, but hopefully, she will ultimately recognize it as you loving her in the way she truly needs. If she resumes her “rant sessions,” you can respond with something like, “I’m sorry you’re unhappy, and I love you, but I still think you need to find a therapist who can actually help you get what you want in life.” You can continue to encourage her as her sister, but don’t feel obligated to offer her any more advice.

It’s hard to have to “parent” an older sister, but she is an adult and you have our permission to let her live like an adult – and that includes experiencing the consequences of her actions, even if they make her less than happy. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.