Ask Evie: I Feel Like The Love Is Gone In My Marriage Because Of My Husband’s Constant Criticism. Is This The End?

READER’S QUESTION: “My husband is perfect. He works hard, earns good money, is intelligent, always doing something useful, and never slacks. I've been a spoiled little brat all my life, never really had to clean after myself, and was fully focused on useless studying. I've changed a lot since we got married and had our first baby, and am continuing to work on myself. But it's just never enough. My husband is blunt and says that controlling his bluntness would be like changing who he is and will prevent him from being able to talk to me about anything freely. 

For 2.5 years I've been waiting for us to have more fun times together (long work hours, house renovations, and baby consumed all of our time). And now that we finally have it, I feel completely empty, like the love is gone. What killed it is the daily questioning of my actions, methods of raising our son, how clean the house is, how I unwind with Instagram, how little I move (I am pregnant, and my body just hurts), what I eat, etc. There is just no appreciation for the change and growth I've been going through. I am just smacked with expectations of perfection every day, and I really don't think my husband can think/speak/behave otherwise or even just understand my position. What do I do? Is this the end?”

EVIE’S ADVICE: A marriage is a place where you go to give, not get. It can be very easy to feel like you're not getting enough appreciation or you're not getting enough praise for all the changes you've gone through, the growth you've had, etc. But when was the last time you showered your husband with appreciation and praise? When was the last time you acknowledged all of his hard work and told him that he has come a long way, and that you are so grateful for everything he has done to provide such a strong foundation for your family? No one can read your mind, including your husband, so even though you may feel that way, it's important to voice these things to him (and often). It's unlikely that you're doing this already and all he is offering up are critiques in return. It’s easy to see what we’re lacking from our partner without looking in the mirror and asking ourselves if we’re doing the same.

Secondly, any change and growth we engage in should be for our own sakes, not solely to please or appease other people. If we can feel proud of ourselves for getting better in any metric, that should be sufficient. Of course, it feels nice to have our accomplishments recognized, but a mark of great character is doing the right thing or putting in the effort to improve even if no one else notices it or applauds us. 

When it comes to pregnancy and birth, neither of these are easy things to go through, but our husbands are never going to be the ones who fully understand this journey. It's better to look to other women in your life if you want to connect with someone who can identify with your experience and make you feel seen and heard. And as far as housework and taking care of your son goes, it might be worth getting some outside help, either to clean or to babysit so you can lighten the load of those responsibilities.

If you're looking for more fun times together, that can be something that you initiate yourself. Plan something fun for just the two of you – ask your MIL to watch your son for an evening so you can enjoy a concert in the park, or surprise him with a reservation at the restaurant where you had your first date. You can even surprise him when he comes home from work with something that he loves like his favorite chicken dish and bottle of wine. Put your son to sleep, light some candles over the dinner table, and get a little dolled up for him. Be spontaneous and show your husband that you want to have a good time and are still interested in “dating” him. 

There’s a difference between speaking bluntly without thinking and speaking the truth with love and tact. 

Aside from initiating fun and showing your husband more appreciation for the things he does “right,” improving your communication with your husband is key. To do this, it’s important to understand how best to communicate when you’re having disagreements. First there is an activating experience, which triggers a thought (conscious or unconscious), which triggers a feeling. We act/behave based on that feeling, and our body has a response based on your feeling and behavior (does your stress go up, or do you relax, for example). When we bring up an issue with our spouse, we need to explain it in this context. "When you said X to me, it made me think Y and feel Z, which makes me want to do ABC." We need to give our spouse this context because he is also responding to the situation with his own thoughts, feelings, and subsequent behaviors – based on himself, not on you. Tactfully and lovingly educating each other about our inner lives helps both spouses get to know each other deeper and to act and speak with more awareness.

Lastly, as far as your husband feeling like you are “controlling” him when you get upset by his bluntness, it’s important to acknowledge the difference between speaking bluntly without thinking (a.k.a. having no filter) and speaking the truth with love and tact. Being considerate of your spouse requires the latter, and if your husband is just being outright rude when he criticizes you, he may need a reminder that his words hurt and there’s a kinder way to get his point across. Being considerate and polite toward your spouse is still necessary, no matter how long you’ve been married. 

All in all, we wouldn’t say this is the end. Rather, it’s an opportunity to learn and build a better foundation. It is most certainly going to take work, so don’t mistake this as an easy task, but it is worth it to save your marriage. If you feel overwhelmed at the prospect of working to improve your relationship, consider seeking personalized guidance from a counselor. You may look back on this time as the turning point in your relationship that it needed to grow stronger. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.