Ask Evie: I'm A Virgin And Am Terrified Of Being Used For Sex. How Do I Get Past This Fear?

READER’S QUESTION: “Dear Evie, I’m a woman in my mid-twenties who has never had sex. I have been trying to get back to the dating scene after deleting dating apps due to frustration. Nothing particularly traumatic happened, but I just don’t know how to approach this subject. For example, I went on 3-4 dates with a guy. He hinted at going back to his/my place twice. I also noticed other incompatible qualities, so I stopped seeing him.

My family members do not talk about this with me, and my friends don’t always offer good advice. This society pushes a lot of sex, while puritans preach their extremely repressed view. I just can’t find reliable sources.

I also tried therapists, and they always mention the term emotional intimacy or emotional availability. I appreciate many pieces on dating advice from your publication. Your articles also mentioned similar concepts. The truth is, I’m kind of terrified of being used for sex. I don’t know what to do. What is emotional intimacy or emotional availability? How would you know if it’s genuine?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: First, it’s important to get to the root of why you feel like you need to be on the defensive. Is it a deep-seated fear that you learned growing up or perhaps is mirrored by your friends’ experiences? Being worried about being used for sex is an understandable concern, but thinking that every single guy out there only wants to jump into bed with you for a score at the first opportunity and then drop you is not realistic. There are some men who want to do that…but there are also plenty of men out there who are willing to respect your sexual boundaries and aren’t interested in hookup culture either.

It’s understandable (and admirable) that you want to protect yourself regarding sex – it’s an extremely precious and intimate gift to give your entire self to someone after all. However, it’s possible to put up too many walls to protect yourself – walls that prevent someone from getting to know who you are: your thoughts, your dreams, your emotions, your sense of humor, your values. Emotional intimacy and availability is being able to take down those walls and be vulnerable, while maintaining your sexual boundaries.

Being emotionally available means being able to make another person feel seen, heard, understood, and safe around you. It means listening to them when they talk and trying to understand what they’re saying. It means making eye contact and smiling back. It means noticing when another person is trying to get your attention so they can talk to you, and you’re able to give them your undivided attention.

Being emotionally available means being able to make another person feel seen, heard, understood, and safe around you.

Being emotionally intimate means being able to tell someone else your thoughts and feelings, and listening to theirs in return. Has a friend ever called you to vent or shared an upsetting experience with you? Her opening up about what happened and how she felt was her inviting you into an emotionally intimate conversation. You might find our article on the levels of emotional intimacy helpful. 

True connection – whether in a romantic relationship or a friendship – happens when you’re able to be both emotionally available and emotionally intimate. As humans, we inherently want to be known and to know others, and this plays an essential role in any successful relationship.

As far as practical advice moving forward, once you come to terms with why this fear keeps popping up and understand what it truly means to become emotionally available and open to intimacy, it’s time to get back out there with a new plan and perspective. Men are famously terrible at profiles, and they tend to post shirtless selfies, pictures of their dog, or photos of them with their mom. Pictures aren’t always the best indicator of whether or not a man has the potential to be a great boyfriend or even husband. When using a dating app, you should search specifically for guys who have values you align with (even if they’re not 6’2”) and go out with them. You should absolutely be attracted to the person you’re with, but maybe you will be and the photos didn’t do him justice. If you’re aligned on your values and other core personality traits, it’s worth giving him a genuine shot to see if you’re attracted to him in person. Sometimes all it takes is being in the same room with someone and seeing their mannerisms to feel a spark. Worst case scenario, it’s a waste of your time and you got a free meal and some dating practice. Best case scenario, he’s the man you’ve been searching for all of these years.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.