Ask Evie: I’m In Love With My Best Friend—Should I Tell Him Even Though He Has A Girlfriend?

READER’S QUESTION: “Hey, I’m in love with my best friend. We met on Hinge in 2019 and 'dated' for about two months. Then we decided to be friends and have had a strong texting / lunch relationship ever since. We physically don’t see each other often since we now live in different cities. But we’re both in our early 30s, successful, want the same things in life, talk almost every day, exchange pictures, advice, plan trips, say 'I love you,' etc.

Things were pretty platonic until about six months ago when we hung out one weekend, and I realized he’s the one. 

The problem is he has been in a relationship for the past year. He often tells me that it’s not serious and he can’t see himself with her long term, but from my limited point of view, they seem to be in a happy relationship. He has sent me many photos of them on trips together and even introduced her to his family abroad.

I don’t want to be “that girl” nor do I want to lose him as a friend, but we’re not getting any younger, so should I tell him?”

EVIE’S ADVICE: It sounds like you’ve stepped foot right into one of our favorite rom-coms to date, My Best Friend’s Wedding (if you haven’t seen it yet, it’s definitely worth a watch considering your situation).

Step one is going to be to find out if your best friend still considers his relationship with his current girlfriend to be “not serious” and not “long term.” If he insists that's still the case, then the option of telling him your true feelings might have a higher chance of success, given the level of investment he has in your friendship. If you don’t tell him now, you may wind up regretting it for the rest of your life if he truly is “the one.” Before he gets any more serious with her, it’s worth an honest conversation. 

On the other hand, if he tells you that he is now taking his relationship seriously and thinking long term, then your options are 1) still telling him since you're losing the opportunity to be involved romantically anyways, and is it reasonable to maintain your friendship when you're in unrequited love? and 2) not telling him to preserve your friendship and hope that you can stop being in love with a man you can't have, while acknowledging that his future marriage will likely change the nature of your friendship in the end.

Ultimately, it comes down to whether you're willing to risk your friendship now for the possibility of finding out if there is romantic potential. If he says he is romantically attracted to you too, then it's smooth sailing. But if he says no, then your friendship as you know it now will be over. He might not be comfortable staying friends knowing that you're in love with him, and it will probably be too painful for you to stay friends when you want more than friendship.

However, with all of this being said, if a guy is telling you he loves you and it’s not that serious with his girlfriend, will he speak to another girl on Hinge about you that way? If you’re talking to him “almost every day,” exchanging pictures, and planning trips together, it feels like you’re the one in a relationship with him, not his current girlfriend. Does she know that all of this is going on and is okay with it, or is he hiding his relationship with you (and would he do the same to you if the roles were reversed)? It’s worth being cautious. He’s in his 30s, not 17 anymore. And if he doesn’t want to be with her long term, does she know? Why is he wasting everyone’s time and stringing her (and possibly you) along?

Needless to say, this is a difficult situation to navigate, but the answer is clear: You need to make a decision rather than waiting in limbo. You will get closure, one way or another. You'll either end up with a boyfriend (hopefully one with whom you can address the above concerns), or you'll learn concretely that you need to move on. As you said, you're not getting any younger, and it doesn't serve you at all to linger in a one-sided relationship with no future.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.