Ask Evie: I Want To Make It Official With The Boy I Like But My Parents Won’t Let Me Date Until I’m 21

READER’S QUESTION: "Hi Evie, I need some advice. I am 18 years old, and growing up with my very conservative/Christian parents, they’ve said I can date at 16, then 18…now they want me to wait until I’m 21.

I have been talking to this guy I went to school with since April, so four months going on five. We’ve met up secretly, and I even stayed over while my folks were out of town. I finally told my parents about him a week ago, and they were less than pleased.

Teen pregnancy has run in the family for the last two generations, which I think is one of their main concerns. They also want me to wait until marriage, which I haven’t, but they don’t know that. They tell me I can’t be focused on my goals and school work while having a boyfriend, which I don’t think is true. My dad basically told me that I can date but I don’t have his blessing because I can do whatever I want, while my mom makes a point to tell me that “I better not be texting that boy,” “You’re not going to start dating” etc.

I really like this guy and want to take the next step of going on official dates and putting a label on our relationship, but I don’t know how to just go for it if I’m struggling to be open with my parents and for them to respect my choices. Please give me some advice."

EVIE’S ADVICE: It’s definitely frustrating when you see all of your friends dating at this age and you can’t join in and relate to them in this way. It’s even more frustrating that your parents gave you a timeline/age that you were looking forward to and continue to change that. It may be that your parents are changing the age of dating out of fear, as you suggested, or they’re under the impression that you’re not mature enough yet, so they keep moving the goalpost. The latter may or may not be an accurate assessment.

Address your parents' concerns (teen pregnancy and not getting a good education/meeting goals) by reminding them how responsible and hardworking you are. Give them specific examples. What grades are you making? Have you held down a summer job? Did you complete something related to your goals? Being sexually active with your boyfriend does demand that you consider what you would do in case of pregnancy – raise the child on your own or give the child up for adoption?

It might help to assuage your parents' fears if they meet your boyfriend and get to know him a little bit.

You also need to determine what the purpose of dating is for you. Are you dating to find your future spouse? Are you dating just for fun? Are you dating to learn more about yourself and what you like? Are you dating to rebel?

It might also help to assuage your parents' fears if they meet your boyfriend and get to know him a little bit. If he is a virtuous, respectful, hardworking young man with goals and a vision for the future who genuinely cares for you, that might calm a lot of their fears. 

Many families consider 18 to be the threshold for adulthood, while others don't really consider you to be an adult until you've graduated college. What is your family culture? Another consideration is how much are you still dependent on your parents financially? Are they paying for your education and all your basic needs? 18 is a challenging age where you are asserting your independence and stepping into adulthood, but you are often still dependent on your parents for many necessary things.

If you want to keep the peace with your parents, be open with them, and have them involved in your dating experience, then try to find a way to compromise with them. Would they be more comfortable with your boyfriend joining family outings or coming to your house for family dinners together? Or if you and he went out with a group of friends rather than by yourselves? There are ways to go about dating respectfully that will allow you to explore relationships and find out what you like and dislike while addressing your parents’ concerns. 

If this does not work and your parents remain firm on not allowing you to date until you’re 21, you can work toward some financial goals in the meantime in order to move out from under their roof (and their rules) and make your own adult decisions. This will also help you to mature in their eyes as you hold more responsibility over your life. Whether 18 or 21, once you are a legal adult and no longer relying on them for basic needs, they only have as much control over you as you allow them to.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.