Ask Evie: My Mother-In-Law Is Demanding We Buy Everyone Christmas Presents Even Though We Can’t Afford It

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, This is my first Christmas married, and so the first year I've had to handle Christmas presents for my family and my in-laws. Right now, my husband is in law school, and I'm supporting both of us on my meager salary that's barely covering our expenses. My mother-in-law called my husband yesterday and told him what his five siblings, niece, and his parents wanted for Christmas. Every year, his family tells everyone what they want, and each person gets everyone else what's on their list. However, she didn't ask my husband what he wanted or needed from his list (or me) and said we will be getting a group gift from everyone since we are married now. My husband pointed out that she gets individual gifts for his sister, who is married. So she said that they would maybe get him his own present and still do the group gift for both of us. I honestly don't really care about getting my own gift, it's more her attitude about it. 

Something similar happened at my bridal shower. She humiliated me in front of my friends when I opened the gift from her. It was an espresso machine, and she said, "THAT present is for my son, since everything else here is for you." I was really hurt because I feel like all bridal shower gifts are for the bride and groom, technically (both will be using frying pans, plates, towels, etc.), but the fact that she had to say she only got a present for my then fiancé was upsetting, and it was very awkward for everyone in the room. His sisters apologized to me later for how she acted, which made me feel better, but it just feels like I'm not a full member of the family deserving my own gift.

Aside from that, there is also my family to consider. We are going to them for Christmas, and I have 10 siblings and my parents on my side of the family. Since I have so many siblings, I don't usually get everyone a gift every year because I can't afford it, so I will either just get my parents something, get everyone something really small, like a $5 gift card for coffee, or I will do a single group gift for everyone, like a board game. I don't think we have money to buy everyone a gift, and I don't think it's fair that we are expected to get everyone on his side of the family a present when I'm not even getting each of my siblings a gift because I'm mindful of how much money we have to spend. My husband doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so he thinks we just need to get all of his side of what's on their list. I don't think that's fair because I would love to get each of my siblings their own gift, but I'm not. I think if we have the money at Christmas that's fine, but we don't. How do I deal with this?”

EVIE’S ADVICE: We’re sorry you’re dealing with this! Christmas, while exciting and joyful, can also stir up a lot of unexpected struggles that last far beyond New Year’s Day. Since this is your first Christmas as a married couple, it’s understandable that you’d be facing some new challenges in your family dynamics. It sounds like you’ve experienced some subtle digs from your mother-in-law already, which makes this gift exchange situation even more emotionally charged. It sounds like she may have some underlying issue with you (which, in all honesty, probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her feeling like she “lost” her son when you got married). In any case, this is not a problem that is going to be resolved on its own, so let’s get into it. 

There are two issues at play here: what to do about presents and what to do about your mother-in-law. One of them is much simpler to solve (and it’s not your MIL, sorry!). Let’s start with the Christmas presents situation. You have one essential fact to start with: Money is limited. You and your husband need to come to an agreement on what you can afford to spend on Christmas presents in total (for both sides of the family). You also need to decide if you’re going to treat both sides of the family the same and/or spend the same amount on them, or have different “rules” for each side of the family. For example, maybe your family would be interested in switching to “Secret Santa,” so everyone still gives and receives one present, but the overall cost for everyone goes down. You each draw one person and get them a nice, thoughtful gift versus getting 10 people a small, generic gift. These are always fun since people have to guess who their Secret Santa is and you’re not limited to a price. There’s also less pressure on you in this situation since you don’t have to plan and shop for tons of people.

Regarding your husband’s family, you have a legitimate reason not to buy everyone an item from their list – you can’t afford it! It’s totally fine to send a small gift like a coffee gift card, a candle, or a $10 bottle of wine. Judging from how his sisters behaved at your bridal shower, they will probably be understanding of your circumstances. Most newlyweds in grad school don’t have extra cash lying around! If you feel like you need to, you can even include a note with the gift, like “Even though money is really tight for us right now, we still wanted to give you something. Enjoy!” You don’t need to tell anyone in advance what you’re doing – no need to invite drama!

Consider opening a “gifts” savings account and putting a small sum in there each month to use for next Christmas and birthday presents

Thinking ahead for next year, you should consider opening a “gifts” savings account and putting a small sum in there each month to use for next Christmas and birthday presents. If you have a credit card that gets points, you can use points to shop for presents (although you will want to see which purchases have the highest return on your points depending on your card benefits – for example, you might get “more for your money/points” buying flights than buying from Amazon).

Finally, the drama with your mother-in-law is something else that is being manifested through the bridal shower/Christmas present situations. She might be having a hard time letting go of her son, and she might feel like she doesn’t know you well enough yet. It’s a good sign that your husband was able to push back and stand up for himself about the combined Christmas present, so be sure to tell him you appreciate that he did that! However, your husband also said he’d rather just get everyone on his side what your MIL requested so as to not “hurt anyone’s feelings” despite you not being able to afford it. While his intentions are surely just to keep the peace during Christmas, this is a situation where he needs to put your collective needs above his family’s. When you’re married, you’re a team, which means that he needs to have your back and stand up for you if necessary in this situation. Although this is a tough situation and has the potential to be a little awkward on Christmas morning, try your best to stay friendly and kind toward your mother-in-law. It's certainly not your fault that you're being put in this position, but giving her reason to treat you worse won't leave you any better off heading into the New Year. Stay positive and classy and focus on enjoying your first Christmas as a married couple!

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.