Ask Evie: My Best Friend Just Confessed That She’s A Lesbian And Is In Love With Me. How Do I Move Forward?

READER’S QUESTION: “Hey Evie, I never thought I'd find myself in this situation and I'm honestly shocked. My best friend recently told me in confidence that she's queer and has been in love with me for a long time. We've been friends since junior high, and we're now seniors at the same high school. I had no idea she felt this way, and she's never so much as hinted that she was into girls. This kind of threw my world upside down and I have no clue how to move forward.

Honestly, I feel a bit violated. We've shared so many intimate moments as friends. We've done all the things normal friends do. We've changed together. Gone to the bathroom together like every day. Slept in the same bed together. We text and say "love you" all the time. It sounds obvious in this context but I know all my other friends do the same things with their friends. I really don't want to kill our entire friendship because of this. She means the world to me, and cutting her out of my life feels horrible.

I'm straight, and a romantic relationship between us is never gonna happen, but I want to support her and keep our friendship alive. How can I respond to this situation with empathy without crushing her or ending it all? And how do I establish boundaries while letting her know that our friendship is still so important to me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

EVIE’S ADVICE: It’s shocking to find out that your best friend has been secretly in love with you, regardless of if they’re a man or a woman. Your whole idea of your friendship has to change with this new information, and you're probably reviewing conversations and hangouts and reinterpreting them in light of your friend's confession.

While your desire to maintain your friendship – and only friendship – is understandable, it takes two people on the same page to make any friendship or relationship work. If one of you wants to be there and the other doesn't, you can't have a friendship. If one of you wants something romantic and the other doesn't, you can't have a relationship. And it will likely prove impossible for you to keep your friendship with your best friend on the same terms because you want friendship and she wants a romantic relationship. Neither of you will be happy with how the other wants it to be.

Offer to maintain a friendship with the boundaries that are comfortable for you, but don't be surprised if she finds it too difficult to remain friends. 

You need to be honest with her – that you're not interested in anything romantic, but you value your friendship and all you've been through together. You can offer to maintain a friendship with the boundaries that are comfortable for you, but don't be surprised if she finds it too difficult to remain friends. She’s likely not expecting you to share the same feelings she has, but it’s clear that by her sharing this with you, she’s also not happy to keep your friendship as is or else she wouldn’t be willing to risk it. Your friend is clearly going through a lot of emotions right now if she is just coming out as a lesbian, and this new revelation is likely going to change the course of her life. It would be a lot less complicated if she wasn’t also in love with you, because you’d be able to offer her guidance and support throughout this transition. Even if you decide to end the friendship, you can still be empathetic to her feelings and kind in response. 

With that being said, don’t expect this conversation or process to be an easy one. Losing your best friend, especially in a shocking scenario like this where you haven’t naturally drifted apart, is undoubtedly going to be heartbreaking. You may feel like you’ve been wronged, since nothing has changed on your end, and you may even feel confused and guilty for not reciprocating your friend’s romantic feelings. Expect to have a mourning period – some experts say that a friendship breakup can be even more excruciating than a romantic breakup. In a period of denial, you may even attempt to forget this information, but the truth is that you’ll never truly be able to return to how your friendship was before. You can either move forward with boundaries in place that allow both of you to feel comfortable, or make a clean break and go your separate ways with love. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.