Ask Evie: My Best Friend Who Ditched Me In 2020 Wants To Make Peace—Without Actually Apologizing

READER’S QUESTION: My best friend for years dramatically ditched me in 2020 over politics. She knew I was conservative early on in the friendship, she would actually reach out to me to get a better understanding of the other side's perspective, which was really awesome. But then, in 2020, she went crazy on me. I never brought up politics around her, which is the funny part – she just randomly came at me. She literally called me a racist, homophobe, and sexist and acted like a rabid animal to me after being best friends for years. So that was the end of our friendship…until I recently received a DM from her. 

She wrote to me that she “thinks of me weekly at least” and that she “genuinely feels bad” about our last conversation (she said she was "a little too intense"). She tried to explain it away by giving the context that she felt like supporting the Trump administration was an “immediate attack on her as a person,” and that because I was conservative, she felt like I “hated” her. She admitted that she handled it really poorly and said that she misses our friendship, but she never actually apologized for her behavior.

What do I do? As a Christian, I know I should forgive her, but I don’t know about opening the friendship door.

EVIE’S ADVICE: You’re not the only one to have lost friends during 2020 – either from politics or the pandemic – but that doesn’t make the friend breakup any less painful. Especially when you were tactful and respectful of your political differences. And you were clearly an awesome friend if she still thinks about you weekly, rent free!

She is trying to feel less guilty without actually acknowledging she was in the wrong.

While it would have been nice (and appropriate) for her to actually apologize, you’re unlikely to receive an “I’m sorry.” It sounds like she realized she treated you badly and regrets it, but she can’t bring herself to actually say I’m sorry, possibly because she feels that, in a weird indirect way, it would be like admitting being a conservative or Trump supporter isn’t bad. So, she is trying to feel less guilty without actually acknowledging she was in the wrong by hoping you’ll forgive her without a real apology. It’s a little manipulative and self-serving. 

Regardless, forgiving her is a good idea – not necessarily for her sake, but for yours. Forgiveness frees you from the burden of resentment and pain. When dealing with a complicated emotional experience, it’s helpful to think of forgiveness as no longer desiring the other person to suffer from the consequences of their actions. The pain they caused you is a separate part, and that can take longer to heal. So yes, forgive – but you’re not obligated to reenter a friendship with her.

If you want to try to be friends with her again, you can. But, if you feel like you can’t trust her not to ditch you again come next election year or if her unwillingness to distinguish between you and any political candidates she disagrees with might cause future problems, then it might be more prudent not to reengage.

You can message her back and thank her for extending the proverbial olive branch and tell her you forgive her, as well as establish whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.