Ask Evie: My Boyfriend Is Perfect—Except Our Faith Lives Don’t Align

READER’S QUESTION: “Dear Evie, I have been dating a great guy whom I met online for the past six months. We became exclusive after about two months. We have lots of shared values and see eye to eye on most big societal questions like abortion and wokeness. We have similar views on finances and work and how to relate to our families of origin, and our approaches to masculine/feminine polarity work well together. He is respectful and considerate and very capable and emotionally aware. I tend to be more anxious and high-strung, and he helps ground me and balance me out. We are very attracted to each other with intense chemistry and enjoy spending time together, with lots of shared interests. We have navigated a couple of conflicts with respect and empathy.

My one reservation has to do with our levels of religious involvement. He grew up in a very religious family and appreciates the foundation of values. He believes in God and prays regularly but doesn't attend church. He is very supportive of my religious involvement with church and says that that's part of what makes me who I am. I asked him point blank if he thought this difference would cause problems down the road. He said no, because we have so many shared values, and because he hopes to get closer to God but is working through some negative religious experiences in his past. He also says that his mom was significantly more involved in church when he was growing up than his dad, and they had a great marriage. I really love him and think that apart from this one issue, our connection is pretty perfect. And his character is much stronger than what I have observed with more churchy guys. (Same with his masculine energy.) But I find myself wondering about what things would look like once the initial butterflies fade. Would I want someone who would pray with me, who would be excited about hosting a Bible study in our home if we were to get married, that sort of thing? Would I be ultimately pretty lonely if our views are similar, but our day-to-day practice is not quite in sync? Are there additional questions I could ask him to try to get clarity? Maybe ask him if we could read a book about faith together, or if he would consider coming to church with me once in a while? I just don't want him to feel like a project because I truly have tremendous respect for him. He is such a good man. And I definitely think that it's unfair to commit to someone hoping they will change. But I have waited a long time to meet someone like this, and our connection is really special. I find myself willing to flex on things that I didn't anticipate when I started online dating because everything else is 10/10. What should I do?”

EVIE’S ADVICE: Overall, we have to say that he sounds like a good guy and a good match! It’s to be expected that even when values align, they won’t be to the same level or the same commitment. And that difference is something you do have to discern if it’s going to be a big deal or not. Your boyfriend has a lot of overlap with you growing up in a religious family. The fact that he still believes in God and prays regularly is a really good sign. He knows that he has withdrawn from a church community because of some negative religious experiences in the past that it sounds like he is actively working through. We think that this disparity in your faith lives is something to keep talking about but also not something to freak out about. You can start with small invitations. For example, you said he still prays regularly, so you could ask him to say grace at your next meal together. Or you could invite him to come to church with you on Christmas. If you’re supportive of where he is in his faith life now, but also gently inviting him to deepen it, then there is a lot of potential for this gap to shrink. You might never be 100% on the same page on what your faith life as a couple should look like, and that is something to wrestle with personally. But overall, it sounds like he understands the value and the importance of faith, he has not turned his back on his faith, and he has great character overall. Not to mention, you seem very aligned on everything else, and you have chemistry – what more could you ask for? 

Realistically, no one is going to be just like you, as everyone grows up with different experiences that shape them. That is part of what makes relationships so special. Plus, there is always room for growth. Just because he feels this way about church now doesn’t mean he always will. Maybe he won’t want to host a Bible study in your home every week, but he’ll be supportive of you doing it on your own and want to hear all about it afterward. Maybe he won’t go to church with you every Sunday, but he’ll go on holidays and special occasions. In every marriage, there is going to be some give and take and a bit of compromise – it’s up to you to decide what is worth being flexible on. The only thing we would say is to have a discussion about how you’ll raise your kids if that’s something you both want in the future. Is he open to raising your kids in the church, or will he be more hesitant about teaching them about religion? Will he want them baptized and go to Sunday school? This is a good conversation to have prior to an engagement. All of that said, if you found a man you really like who is this closely matched, we think it’s certainly worth a shot.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.