Ask Evie: My Boyfriend Is Very Close To His Single Mom And I’m Worried It Will Affect Our Marriage

READER’S QUESTION: "My boyfriend of a year and I are talking about engagement. He is the oldest of two with divorced parents, and his father died 10 years ago. He takes after his mom and is very close to her. I recognize we both have family stress and dynamics we bring to the table, but I have been praying if or how to address his attachment to his mother.

He is an extremely good listener and kind, but I’ve not figured out the way to word this concern. How do you approach a real need – to feel like the closest person to him – and not be in competition? I believe because of some shared traumas, he and his mother have a bond that is deep. So, I don’t want to belittle that. First-born sons tend to be this with their mothers. I have opted not to say anything and accept he must choose. And so must I. Am I okay with this part of who he is? Still, I do think it’s a huge emotional shift for him to begin to prioritize me, and it will be a source of argument as a couple in marriage as we adjust to a new family dynamic together. I realize this is common, but seeking advice on how to word my feelings and not cause hurt and to know if he is really ready to be a husband. Also how to navigate this as a lifelong reality of being with him. 

I have warmed more to the idea that this is who he is, but also want to discern if there is some aspect of his attachment to me that I need to speak up about. What is appropriate for a girlfriend or wife to expect in attachment and bonding when there is a strong parent bond in the picture? In terms of attachment styles, I would say we both are anxious, but we both do show a lot of secure attachment traits. He worries a lot more about his mom. I do feel he experiences a healthier attachment with me, feeling less anxious of a bond with the two of us. 

I am a firm believer in just improving yourself. So no, I don’t need him to fix something, I just need to know what I need to do or say about my needs and concern, if anything. He is in a pattern of attachment to her and the drama she deals with, which is very sad, and he admits there is little he can do about it. I feel for her situation deeply and realize it will be part of our marriage and will require a lot of his attention and a lot of growth from me, which I accept as a good thing to help work out a deeper faith in God’s work and healing together."

EVIE’S ADVICE: We’re going to start off with a difficult truth: You may not feel like the “closest person to him” because you aren’t yet. You’ve only been dating one year, and, while that may feel like a lifetime to you, in the grand scheme of things, it’s a very short period of time. His mother has literally known him since birth and likely knows the ins and outs of all of his experiences leading up to this point. Because of his upbringing, especially after losing his father at a young age, he understandably has a very close relationship with his mother, which isn’t a bad thing. Now, what you need to honestly determine though is how close is too close for you to feel comfortable in order to stay in the relationship. 

How do you want him to shift his priorities to you? If he is on the phone with his mother 10 times a day, ditching you at the drop of a hat to spend time with her, or is feeling smothered himself, obviously something needs to change. But is it really that bad, or are you just feeling like you come in second because of how he speaks highly of his mother or because of the strong bond that you witness when the two of them are together, causing you to feel “on the outs”? 

You also need to determine if this is a recurring theme for you in relationships. Why do you have the need to feel like the “closest person to him” at this stage of dating? Is there a reason you are viewing your relationship as a competition? Have you felt jealousy and competition toward a boyfriend’s mother, sister, or best friend before? If the answer is yes, this is something that you should unpack on your own with the help of a therapist or trusted friend, not put the burden on your boyfriend. 

That being said, this scenario isn’t all that uncommon because it’s just the way of nature for mothers and daughters-in-law to have a sense of tension and competition. It’s normal at the beginning of a relationship for mothers to view a potential daughter-in-law as a threat, and it’s also normal for the girlfriend to view the potential mother-in-law as competition. Usually, as the relationship progresses, if the mother and girlfriend can get to know each other better and get on friendly terms, that tension decreases without any outside intervention. But, as stated previously, since you have only been dating one year, you may not have gotten to this point yet, and that’s okay. Ask his mother out to lunch just the two of you, or offer to help out at her house with something she would typically ask your boyfriend to do so that you have more time to talk and get to know one another.

It can be extra hard for single moms to let go of their now-adult son and give him the space to pursue a relationship with his own wife. 

On the other hand, if this is truly an extreme case where you’re unable to move forward as is, and your boyfriend is feeling the same way that you are – that he wants more space from his mother and has expressed the desire to prioritize your relationship with the intent of getting married – then it’s worth bringing up. 

It’s not uncommon for a single mother to rely on her oldest son, sometimes in ways that are not healthy or appropriate for a mother and child. For example, she might make him her confidant and rely on him for emotional support in a way that would be more appropriate between adults, mimicking the husband and wife relationship. Because of this, it can be extra hard for single moms to let go of their now-adult son and give him the space to pursue a relationship with his own wife. In these specific cases, it becomes incumbent on the son to start to push back and establish some boundaries with his mom in a respectful way.

It wouldn’t hurt to have a conversation with your boyfriend about his relationship with his mother, and if and how your marriage might change that. In a healthy marriage, the spouse should always come first (even before parents). You aren't at that point yet, so it's fairly unreasonable to expect that right now, but you can ask him what his expectations are for what his relationship with his mother will look like if you were to get married. Consider specifically what you’d like to change when it comes to your relationship dynamics or what boundaries you think would be healthy for him to set with his mother. Be realistic with your requests. He may initially be taken aback by your feelings and upset that you’d ask him to make changes, and if he rejects your requests, the ball is in your court to decide if this is something you are going to accept in order to move forward with him. Even if the three of you do set some healthy boundaries moving forward, most likely, he will still continue to be very involved and very supportive of her, and that will just be part of your extended family dynamics. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as he is able to shift his priority to you and the family that you create as primary, while still supporting his mother in a healthy way.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.