Ask Evie: My Friend Got Engaged To My Old Crush And I Feel Betrayed

READER’S QUESTION: “​​I worked with a girl who was hired on at the same time as me. We went on to become good friends while we worked together, and we would hang out outside work too. A guy started working with us who became our friend, but I began to like him. It seemed like he might like my friend, but he also would do things with just me so I thought he might like me too. After I left that job, the two started dating and are now engaged. All of this happened after my friend told me she knew I liked him and wasn’t interested in him anyway. It wouldn’t have been as terrible to hear about their engagement had she told me when they started dating, but instead she waited to ask for my address to send me a wedding invitation to tell me about the relationship. Plus, she would not have even mentioned anything had I not asked her why she needed my address. Now I just feel very hurt and betrayed by her. Do I bring any of this up with her or let bygones be bygones?”

EVIE’S ADVICE: We’re going to give you a hard truth on this one because you may be surrounded by people who would echo the sentiment that you’ve been wronged. Yes, your old coworker and friend could’ve clued you in on their relationship earlier on to soften the blow and make it feel less like they were sneaking around behind your back, but all in all, it sounds like you may be taking this a little too personally. It's a hurtful situation, we’re sure, but it's not worth bringing up, especially because the two are getting married. They're not just casually dating.

If the three of you no longer work together, and you and your friend have naturally drifted apart, she probably didn’t feel obligated to tell you about their relationship. Or, if you're not connected on social media, she may not have even realized that you didn't know about her relationship. You may feel that it’s petty that she wants to send you an invitation to her wedding to rub it in your face that she “got” the guy you were chasing after, but it honestly may not have even crossed her mind that you’d take it that way. Maybe she genuinely just wanted to invite you to have you there and celebrate their love because the three of you spent time together in the past. We doubt that she’s going through the motions of getting married to this man to intentionally hurt you.

If you weren’t actively pursuing a relationship with him (and him with you), then you didn’t have any claim on him.

If you weren’t actively pursuing a relationship with him (and him with you), then you didn’t have any claim on him. Whether you didn’t act on your feelings, or you did and they weren’t reciprocated doesn’t matter now. He didn't have any loyalty to you since you never dated, and he never explicitly expressed having any feelings for you. She may have told you that she wasn’t interested in him because she legitimately wasn’t during that time, but that doesn’t mean she can’t ever change her mind. Sometimes people fall in love even if they didn't really like each other at first. And since you left that job, it sounds like something very real blossomed between them.

It’s likely that you had moved on from your crush already before you heard the news that they were engaged, so stay in that headspace and don’t let this become a setback for you. Keep in mind that you don’t want a guy who doesn’t want you back. Clearly, he had a thing for your friend – so much so that he decided to pursue a relationship and eventually propose to her. While it may bruise your ego to know that he chose her over you when you had a crush on him first, you’re better off finding someone who is equally as crazy about you as you are him. 

If you feel that you’re able to put your feelings aside and genuinely find happiness for them, then you should go to the wedding with that mindset. But, if you just can’t move past your feelings of betrayal, don’t bring that negative energy to the happiest day of their lives. If this isn’t a relationship you feel strongly about keeping, it’s best to graciously let them know that you can’t make it. Let bygones be bygones, and move on. It might take time for you to heal from it, but that healing is something that needs to take place within you, rather than expecting that healing to come from your friend. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.