Ask Evie: My Husband Ignores Me When I Cry. How Can I Get Him To Comfort Me?

READER’S QUESTION: “I’m in need of some advice. I got married three years ago…in the height of the pandemic. After being married, I realize that he’s such a wonderful guy in so many ways, but he doesn’t seem to care when I’m upset. I could cry for an hour, and he would stay on his computer. He doesn’t try to console me or even ask what’s wrong. I’d like to talk to him about it, but he’s not open to constructive criticism, and therapy isn’t something that he wants to do or wants to make time for, honestly.”

EVIE’S ADVICE: Your husband may be uncomfortable with strong emotions or not know what to do, so, unfortunately, he just does nothing. Maybe he feels like he doesn’t know what to say when you’re upset because he was raised avoiding confrontation or ignoring negative emotions. How does he react when he is upset about something? Does he retreat into himself and want to be alone, or does he generally want you to support him and talk through the issue with him? 

Unfortunately, men can’t read our minds (no one can), so you’re going to have to be upfront with him if you want anything to change. If he doesn’t even notice that you’re upset and you’re expecting him to console you because you’re answering his question of how your day was with an abrupt “fine” or you're simply in a sour mood, he may assume you just had a bad day and need space to process and move past it on your own. You can clue him in to how to help you when you're upset without having a big talk. It can be as subtle as the next time you're sad, approaching him and saying, "I'm feeling really sad, can I have a hug?" or "I'm really upset about what happened at work today, and I need you to hold me for a few minutes" or “I'm really angry about what so-and-so said to me, and I need you to listen to me vent." Don’t beat around the bush and assume he knows that you’re sad and how he can fix it. Be direct and give him instructions on how to help you. This is especially helpful if he didn’t grow up in the same environment that you did or doesn’t deal with emotions the same way you do.

But even deeper, it sounds like he might have difficulties with being vulnerable.

But even deeper, it sounds like he might have difficulties with being vulnerable. Entering into someone else's emotions, receiving constructive criticism, and going to therapy all require being vulnerable, and many people are too afraid to let their guard down and potentially get hurt. Since you are married and not just casually dating, this is something that you’re going to need to work on together for the success of your marriage. If he isn’t open to therapy, maybe you can find a book that would help in this area and ask him to read it, or you can purchase a conversation starter card game that helps couples open up and use it during date nights to dive a little deeper into your emotions in a comfortable and lighthearted way. 

It's also possible that he's too attached to the computer and is using that as a way to tune out what is going on. Assess whether, outside of him ignoring you when you’re upset, you feel like he is choosing the computer over you and the health of your marriage in general. Is he on his phone or computer when you’re trying to spend one on one time with him like during dinner or on the weekends? If you’re direct with him about these issues you’ve been experiencing and he doesn’t make any moves to change his behavior, that is an entirely separate, and much bigger, issue. There could be something else at play here that he just isn’t addressing yet.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.