Ask Evie: My Intuition Says My Boyfriend Is Cheating, But I Don’t Have Any Proof. Am I Just Being Insecure?

READER’S QUESTION: "Call it women's intuition, but I have this horrible feeling like my boyfriend is cheating on me. I keep having recurring nightmares about discovering texts from another woman or, worse, finding them in bed together. The thing is, I don't have any solid proof. I even looked in his phone when he was sleeping one night (we share passwords), and although I only snooped for a few minutes because it felt like my heart was beating out of my chest, I didn't find anything in his texts or Instagram DMs. I'm sure he could be hiding it somewhere else, like in his photos, or if I checked his location when he's not with me to see if he's up to anything, but I feel like I've already gone too far without any proof. 

Everyone tells you to follow your ‘intuition’ and says ‘when you feel like something's off, it's off,’ but is this really true? Is your intuition always right? Should I keep snooping or turn on his location so I can see it without him knowing? How do I know if it's just my insecurities or if I'm self-sabotaging because things seem too good to be true? How can I address my concerns without damaging our relationship?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: First things first: no more snooping. Snooping comes from a place of distrust, and distrust is a relationship killer, the same as cheating. You didn’t find anything, so you need to stop there. Address the more obvious cause of your suspicion – your self-professed insecurity and worry that things are “too good to be true.”

Our emotions – including our feminine intuition – can be wrong. We can have an emotional response or draw a conclusion based on incomplete or inaccurate information or be influenced by our own internal narratives and perspectives. Have you been watching shows or reading books lately that could alter your mind? Sometimes, when we watch shows about a couple experiencing infidelity, it subconsciously seeps into our dreams, especially if we watch it right before bed. Maybe a close friend of yours was recently cheated on, and you think, “Well, if it can happen to her, it can happen to me.” It’s natural to take on other’s emotions and issues and think through in your mind how you would react or handle the situation, or if the red flags she was oblivious to are also happening in your relationship. After all, if she was blindsided by the situation, it’s totally normal to feel the need to “get ahead” of it happening to you, too. 

At the end of the day though, you can’t control your boyfriend – and you shouldn’t try. But you can take responsibility for yourself. You can identify your insecurities and what caused them, and you can actively work to heal and grow in confidence. This will not only make you a happier and healthier person, but will also improve your relationship.

You can’t give your relationship a fighting chance if you’re already anticipating its demise. 

Put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes. Let’s assume he is not cheating, and he finds out you suspect him and snooped without proof. He would understandably be hurt and insulted. He might question how he can be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust him or think he has good character. How would you feel if he accused you of the same, despite having no proof? 

Even if the worst does prove true in the future, you should aim to always act in good character and good faith. Of course, if real signs of cheating pop up (like a sudden change in personality, becoming extremely secretive, being unavailable at strange times, or a woman reaches out to you with proof), it’s important to take note and take action at that time so you aren’t brushing off the reality of the situation. Until then, however, we have a couple of tips for moving forward. You can be upfront and honest with your boyfriend and say something like, “I keep having dreams that you cheated, and it’s making me sad.” He’ll probably laugh and think it’s cute and assure you that he isn’t. But you shouldn’t continue to bring it up or punish him for something he hasn’t done. That would only erode the relationship, not make it stronger. 

The other essential step to moving past this is doing some inner work and getting to the bottom of your insecurities. You need to find out where your paranoia or urge to self-sabotage is coming from. Is it from childhood trauma? A prior toxic relationship where you were cheated on? Do you feel like you don’t truly deserve happiness? Do you crave chaos and conflict and are feeling a bit bored from things being “too good”? Lastly, are you only doing this during certain phases of your cycle, or is this a constant feeling of paranoia? Your hormones could certainly be imbalanced and be the cause of this as well. We highly recommend getting a personal journal and taking note of when these feelings come up (write down the literal date and time), what you think they are triggered by, and whether your fears are valid or baseless. You should be able to notice some patterns that emerge over time and be able to address them that way. Getting the help of a licensed counselor may be insightful in this journey as well; they can help you uncover your triggers and provide you with some useful tips on how to move forward. 

In the meantime, stop watching movies and TV shows and reading books that focus on or glorify infidelity, and try to add some healthy relationship models into your life instead. If you grew up with divorced parents or are surrounded by friends or family members who have gone through infidelity in their own relationships, it can be tough not to lump yourself in and believe that, eventually, it happens to everyone. That’s simply not true, though. Try to seek out examples of healthy, loving relationships that have stood the test of time and demonstrate that two people can be faithful and devoted in their love. You can’t give your relationship a fighting chance if you’re already anticipating its demise. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.