Ask Evie: My Mom Still Thinks I’m A Virgin. Do I Need To Correct Her?

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, and we talk about marriage all of the time. We have discussed rings, weddings, where we want to live, how we might raise our kids, and potential issues. We are both 19 and recognize we are young, but we aren't letting that scare us, and are instead just doing our best to be realistic and thoughtful about the future!

I grew up Christian and as such was planning to save myself until marriage. He was coming to know Christ right around the time we started dating, and was baptized several months into our relationship. He has grown so much and has become someone I can lean on and trust spiritually, as well as romantically. However, we didn't wait. He was my first, and I was his second. We didn't wait, and we have had sex a dozen or so times, and every time we try to stop, it is so difficult, but we aren't giving up at all.

My request for advice, however, comes down to this: Both of my parents still think I'm a virgin. They think I am still waiting. When we will shortly be getting engaged, they will think that our wedding night is going to be my first time. They know about his past experience, but they assume (and correctly so) that I had never had sex before I met him.

This hurts me a lot when it comes to my mom. Both my boyfriend and I are fully grown adults, but I know it's still wrong, and my parents have drilled that into me since I was young. I have talked to a close friend about it before, and she had similar experiences, but she's not very close with her parents, so it's not as painful. But my mom and I are very close, and I just don't want to tell her at all, and she doesn't ask.

I didn't have any experience with purity culture or any shame around sex. My parents have always been very open and pretty open-minded as far as most conservative Christian parents are. Me and my mom share almost all of the same views on religion, politics, etc. I have had conversations with my mom about sex dozens of times. It's not awkward for us to discuss things that a lot of women wait to talk about until they are in their twenties or thirties.

Part of me hopes that they already know. I have hoped that they sense it or assume it. To my dismay, I get the distinct sense that she genuinely thinks I haven't done anything, at all. It feels naive and foolish, but I think she really believes that. It makes it even harder to consider telling her the truth, and the question is – do I need to? Should I? Should I keep this entirely between him and me? Should I be honest about my sin and struggles and let it out in the privacy of my own home? It will make things awkward for him between my parents as well. I do think it will be shocking for them should they learn about it, even though that also angers me a bit. It does make me realize how disconnected they seem to be from the world as it is now. It makes me also feel foolish and hypocritical. I regret not waiting, but I have moved through all of those motions already, and I am re-saving myself.

If I could have it my way, I would never speak of it until years into marriage. But considering planning for a wedding, having a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, all of the things and having everyone be under the wrong impression just makes my stomach churn.

If I were 15 or 16, I would know I need to tell them. I would need advice, support, and that guardian figure to protect me from myself. Now, though, both my boyfriend and I are adults. We still live at home with our respective parents, but we have our own jobs, our own cars, our own lives. I'm not sure what good it would do anyone if I told my mom about this. She doesn't have any responsibility or connection to it, but it feels wrong to keep up a lie. When she says things and I keep silent, I don't contradict or oppose her assumptions or her comments, it feels very, very dishonest and shameful. Maybe this is just my way of knowing I've done something incorrectly and made a mistake, but I feel like I'm leading a double life. So, Evie, What's your advice? Thank you!"

EVIE’S ADVICE: This is definitely a tough position to be in! Christians are called to be in the world but not of the world, and this traditionally includes abstaining from sex outside of marriage. Beyond the risk of pregnancy and the unavoidable biological mechanism of bonding, sex is a total gift of self that is appropriate only in the context of marriage. And the fact of the matter is you’re not married until you’re married.

It’s understandable to feel guilty and ashamed whenever your mom brings up the topic. You know what your parents’ standards are and what your standards for yourself are, and you did not uphold those standards. Feelings of guilt and shame let us know when we’ve done something wrong and help us not to do that thing again in the future. It would be one thing if you hadn’t made the promise to yourself to abstain and didn’t align with your parents’ values or stance on this situation and instead only felt guilty about keeping this secret from them. But the fact that you feel disappointed in yourself as well and regret your decision factors into this. We can’t change what we have done in the past, but we can move forward with a new commitment to ourselves not to repeat that behavior. 

However, the big question remains: Do you need to confess to your mom? If you are going to stand by your claim of being an adult, taking responsibility for your actions, and recommitting yourself to abstinence, then you don’t need to tell her, as long as you are not actually lying to her. Lying will only make the situation worse. Two wrongs don’t make a right. You’re right that it technically wouldn’t change anything or do any good for you to tell your parents that you had sex. If you think it will only make your parents upset for no real benefit other than you getting the guilt off your chest, it may be the selfish route to go to put that burden on them. 

Will they offer you grace and understanding and share stories of how they’ve also made mistakes in their past and were able to make different decisions moving forward? 

However, if this guilt has been eating you alive and you genuinely think it would bring you and your mom closer together and allow you to talk with someone about the feelings you’re having and your decision to abstain until you get married, it may be the right route for you to take. If this secret is going to hold you hostage and ruin the next couple of years of your life during your most special moments like an engagement and wedding, you should rip the bandaid off now and tell them. 

Only you know your parents and your relationship with them, so you probably have an idea of how they will react to the news. Will they offer you grace and understanding and share stories of how they’ve also made mistakes in their past and were able to make different decisions moving forward? Will they offer you encouragement and support in your relationship and your decision to re-save yourself? Or will this news forever change the relationship you have with your parents? Will they treat you and your boyfriend differently because of it in the long-term? These are questions you should ask yourself when making your decision on how to move forward.  

Regardless of whether you tell your mom or not, you and your boyfriend need to be on the same page moving forward in your agreement to abstain from sex. In order to do this, you need to set up practical boundaries for abstinence to succeed. What led to you having sex in the past? Staying up too late? Having an impromptu sleepover? Drinking? Getting carried away while making out? Figure out what it was and then set boundaries around those things in order to change your behavior. Make no mistake: It’s not suddenly going to become a breeze to abstain from sex moving forward until your wedding. You may use the excuse that you’ve had sex before and the world didn’t come crashing down and no one found out about it. You’ll find plenty of excuses in your mind in the heat of the moment. But the important thing is to keep returning back to why you made the commitment to yourself and to each other in the first place. It might be helpful to keep a note on your phone to turn to when temptation calls to read your reasons for waiting and the long-term satisfaction you will feel on your wedding night if you stay true to your promises. It’s still going to require a lot of self-control and responsibility from both of you. However, as long as you’re on the same page and both feel committed to keeping these promises to yourselves moving forward, it is possible. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.