Ask Evie: Should I Breakup With My Boyfriend Over His Embarrassing Manners?

READER’S QUESTION: "Dear Evie, I've gone out with a guy a couple of times, and so far he's been really sweet without simping, we have a lot of common interests, similar values, and have had a nice time when we've gone out, but a couple of things are giving me the ick. He doesn't really have a lot of polish and could be more self-aware, mainly in dress and deportment. For example, unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his pants to tuck in his shirt, in front of a sizeable church congregation. This is a regular thing, and we're in our 30s, not teenagers. My career and, to some extent, my social life require class and elegance (charity events, board of director's dinners, etc.), and I need to be able to bring a significant other who won't embarrass me. When's the right time to be completely honest and tell someone to step it up or stop calling? I don't want to abandon something that could potentially be really good, but also don't want to invest my time and emotional energy with someone who can't match what I need. I'm a firm believer in the power of feminine energy to help a man reach his potential, but I'm at a loss here."

EVIE’S ADVICE: There are a few things to consider here before getting into ways you can address this with him. First, ask yourself if you’re potentially searching for red flags or “icks” to justify your disinterest in him, or if you’re nitpicking because he isn’t measuring up to the image of the perfect man you have in your mind. 

Once you’ve answered those questions for yourself and determined that this is, in fact, as serious as it feels and a deal-breaker for you, we need to ask: Why is he unbuckling his belt and his pants to tuck in his shirt regularly in public? This seems like an odd thing to be happening often. What is the situation there? Can you ask him to excuse himself to the bathroom to do that instead or find some way to avoid the outfit adjustment altogether (like suggest a longer shirt)? You can make it more about other people if you don’t want to be confrontational about this specific situation. Say something like, “In church earlier, when you unbuttoned your pants and belt in front of everyone to tuck in your shirt, some people looked super uncomfortable with that. Do you think next time you could just excuse yourself to the bathroom to do that instead, so everyone isn’t staring at us?”

No man wants to feel that the woman he is with is embarrassed to be seen with him.

In general, though, we get that if you’re working with wealthy clients and attending prestigious events, then appearance and manners are hugely important. You have a few options here to move forward. If you really like him, you can have an honest (but polite) conversation about how maintaining a polished appearance and having excellent manners is important to you and can impact your career. Make sure not to attack his style choices or deportment in an unnecessarily critical way, though. You can try the sandwich method, where you layer one critique between two compliments. Tell him an instance where you loved how he dressed or how he styled his hair in a nice way and how you were proud to be seen with him while also telling him something that he could improve upon. Keep in mind that you were likely raised (and work) in two very different environments, so he may not have ever been taught to act a certain way. He may be open and willing to change and become more considerate of how he behaves given some guidance. No man wants to feel that the woman he is with is embarrassed to be seen with him. If you had been dating longer, we would say that you could subtly gift him some nicer clothes or beauty products you’d like to see him using, but since you’ve only been out a few times, this would be inappropriate right now. 

However, you should also be prepared to be faced with the response that he simply does not care. Many people are of the mindset that they should just be themselves, and if people don’t like it, they aren’t for them. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that that is the correct way to conduct yourself, but be prepared for that point if he gets defensive when you bring this up. Even so, he is in his 30s, as you mentioned, and it isn’t your job to teach him how to behave in public or to be his mother and correct how he has been living for the past three decades. In this case, it may be a deal-breaker for you, which is perfectly acceptable. If he’s amazing in every other department, then it may be worth putting up with some flaws (after all, we’re all human – including you). Maybe the compromise would be that he doesn’t attend these high-profile events with you, and you bring a classy girlfriend or use that time to bond with your coworkers instead. But if that doesn’t sound like it would make you happy in the long run, maybe you should find someone who works in a similar environment and can relate to you better.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.