Ask Evie: Should I Give A Guy Who Makes Dirty Jokes A Chance?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hi Evie, I recently discovered one of my male friends tried to date me. Apparently he asked me on a date one day. I don't remember this particular instance, so my guess (and my other friends' guess) is that he wasn't direct. We all know he has a tendency to not being direct with women. 

This shocked me. I am 27 and no guy has ever liked me. I never had a date, never kissed, never hold hands with anyone, never had guys well...show interest me. I don't have guys popping in my DMs like other girls. 

My friends say he is a good guy and I should give him a chance. He is nice and like him as a friend. But I am not really sure about a romantic relationship...he is really obese and likes to get drunk (I don't even drink alcohol) but the thing that gives me the "ick" are his sexual experiences. These experiences tend to come out in conversation whenever we get together with other friends. He doesn't try to brag, he just talks about them. You know...how he say saw some "tits." He also likes to make dirty jokes and often mentions sex-related topics. I don't have anything against talking about sex but I feel it must be done in a respectful manner and keeping in mind that it is intimate and we don't need to know the details of what people do. I know too many details of what this guy has done with other girls. It makes me feel insecure since I haven't even done the most minimal form of physical intimacy or touch with anyone and I am waiting for marriage to have sex. And given his comments about his previous encounters, I don't think I could give him what he wants sexually (I am not a hot girl) and I also wouldn't want him talking about me in that way. 

There was one Halloween party last year (apparently before he tried to ask me out) and my friends told me his plan at the party was to make out with me. This really hurt me. Felt like a punch in my heart. Why? Well, because in this party he asked me inappropriate questions. These were a joke to him. I know he didn't mean it in a disrespectful way. We were among friends and they were talking about "size." He asked me questions about what would make a guy good in bed. Again, to him it was a joke. Now when I think about that day, I get sad thinking that I don't really deserve a proper date before a guy tries anything physical and don't even deserve the typical flirting if he wants to attempt anything. Apparently the flirting I deserve is a dirty joke.

I get sad thinking that I don't really deserve a proper date before a guy tries anything physical. Apparently the flirting I deserve is a dirty joke.

The question is...since this is the first guy who likes me, should I give him a chance? Am I being too harsh? Do I have crazy expectations? Given today's dating climate I feel sometimes I should lower my expectations on how a guy will act. I was raised in a household where we don't say curse words or dirty jokes. I was taught by my dad that men should respect women and never talk dirty in front of them. But it seems like today that is an impossible standard. So should I adjust my expectations? Would love your advice."

EVIE’S ADVICE: Reading your question makes us so sad. Of course you do not deserve a man like this! The fact that you are questioning your worth to the point of considering settling for a man who is disrespectful on so many levels (even if it's his idea of "flirting") should be highlighted. Just because this man might be interested in you does not mean you need to reciprocate the feelings for fear that he will be the only one. It sounds like you two are not aligned whatsoever in your values or priorities and you actually have nothing positive to say about him aside from him being “nice”. Not only are you not attracted to him on a visual level, but his personality already gives you the “ick” as well. Your dad is correct in believing that men should respect women and shouldn’t make dirty or insensitive jokes in front of them (or especially at their expense). This is not an impossible standard, though, even in today’s dating culture. These men do exist and they are worth waiting for. 

Much of this issue has to do with your level of insecurity and not as much with this man, however. Aside from ditching the idea that you need to settle for this guy who likely just wants to sleep with you, it sounds like you need to spend some time working internally on your confidence. Why is it that you're 27 years old and you've never gone on a date? Ask someone in your life (your mom, a sister, and/or close friend) to be honest with you about your weak spots. They might have some insight to help you move forward in this pursuit. Whether you’re a “hot girl” or not (arguably though, this is more a mentality than anything else), you have a beauty that is unique to you and the right man will appreciate that. We highly recommend getting yourself into therapy to work on your self-esteem and unpack why you feel so deeply insecure. A woman who knows her worth will not settle for anything less than what she deserves.

There are ways to improve your confidence and your attractiveness in order to capture the attention of the right guy. When you feel good about yourself internally, it always shows externally. For example, if you feel insecure about your body and have come to the conclusion that no man will ever find it “hot”, you likely will give up and not put in the effort to take care of it. If you have decided that you’re just not stylish and everything you try on looks bad on you, you won’t put effort into seeking out clothes that flatter your body and your skin tone and make you feel amazing. The story you tell yourself (however untrue) is how you will live your life. The first step here is to change your internal voice. Once you feel that you are worthy of love and affection, it will follow. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.