Ask Evie: Should I Leave My Long-Term Boyfriend Because He Doesn't Hold The Same Opinions As I Do?

READER’S QUESTION: “Should I leave my boyfriend who doesn't share the same opinions as me? We've been together for five years (I'm 20 now and he's 22). When I met him, he was athletic and dynamic. Today, he is very homebody. His parents judge me for all my choices. Last year, I had a big acne attack. His parents forced me to go on birth control pills, then get the Covid shot, then take antibiotics, then have surgery for wisdom teeth. I told my boyfriend about the pressure his parents were putting on me and that I wanted him to defend me. In a year, he didn't tell them anything, and they continue to harass me. Also, he still hasn't proposed to me, even though he knows that it's very important to me. 

Finally, we talked about the future, and we don't see it in the same way: He refuses to raise our children in the faith and in private schools. In short, he is a homebody (while I love sports and nature), does not believe in God, agrees more with his parents than with me, and did not even know what engagement was before I spoke to him about it. Should I stay with a man who does not have the same tastes, opinions, and desires as me?"

EVIE’S ADVICE: You probably know this already, but, girl, we’re here to confirm your suspicions: It’s definitely time to break up. Your boyfriend’s unwillingness to choose you over his parents is a huge red flag. Not only that, but your concerns about your differences when it comes to your approach to your health, faith, children, education, marriage, and interests are valid. You may have had more in common when you met as teenagers, but people evolve, and sometimes they grow apart – that’s okay! The phrase “opposites attract” may be a common one, but when it comes to raising a family and building a life together, having core values and lifestyles that align is crucial. 

The fact that you’re already concerned about these things suggests you know in your heart of hearts that it’s time to go your separate ways. You may be unwilling to pull the trigger because you’ve been together so long and you want marriage, but marriage with the wrong person is not a marriage worth entering into. Marriage itself should never be the primary goal; it should always be the natural progression of finding the right partner to go through life with. 

Marriage with the wrong person is not a marriage worth entering into. 

We also want to highlight the difference between opinions and principles. Siding with your girlfriend or wife over your parents is done on principle, not opinion. Raising kids according to your beliefs is done on principle, not opinion. Opinions and tastes are shallower than principles, like not liking pineapple on pizza or thinking that cats are better pets than dogs. No one dies for their opinions, but people will die for their principles. It’s totally normal and acceptable to have different opinions on things from your boyfriend or husband, however the problem arises when you have vastly different principles. Having opposite values and beliefs is not something you can easily move past, especially when children enter into the equation. 

Lastly, we need to talk about your boyfriend’s parents pressuring you into getting on birth control, taking the vaccine and antibiotics, and getting surgery. Although you may think that breaking up with your boyfriend will solve this particular issue, this appears to be something bigger that you’re going to need to work through on your own (or with a licensed therapist). No one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do; it sounds like you caved to his parents pressuring you because you wanted to avoid conflict and confrontation. You need to summon your courage to stick up for yourself in more areas than one. Begin by breaking up with your boyfriend, then learn how to say “no” when it comes to your health (because ultimately you know your body and your beliefs better than anyone else). Look into assertiveness training specifically for women because if you aren’t able to stand up for your beliefs and uphold your values, you’re going to find yourself in the same situation down the road with another man and his family. Ultimately, it’s time to move on, focus on improving your self-confidence, and find a man who is better suited to the new and improved you.

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.