Ask Evie: What Does A Good First Date Even Look Like?

READER’S QUESTION: "Hi Evie Team, Thank you for your work towards encouraging beauty and femininity! My question is about first dates, how to know if it is a decent connection and if there should be a second date.

I’m “late” to the dating game. I’m 27 and never dated for multiple reasons. I’m trying online dating and have been on two dates in the past month with different guys. I don’t think the dates went well, but I don’t know the standard. Are you supposed to feel like you want to meet with the man again? I am extroverted and amicable, I can talk to almost anyone, and I am used to making conversation, but these dates left me feeling uninterested in the guy.

Are just similar beliefs and stances on important issues enough to warrant a second date? I don’t want to lead guys on, but I don’t know if I’m supposed to just push through some lackluster dates to get to know someone and then decide. Any advice is appreciated!"

EVIE’S ADVICE: Start thinking about early dating more in terms of friendship than romance. We're sure you've made many friends in your 27 years. Some probably clicked right away, and some probably took some time to warm up. What made you inclined to invest in that person and develop a friendship? Probably shared values and interests and some kind of connection. Dating is the same – some connections spark instantly, while others can take time to develop. So the question is, how much time are you willing to invest before deciding nothing has or could develop between you and him? A good rule of thumb might be three dates – that's likely sufficient time to learn enough about someone to decide if you want to pursue the relationship, but it's not so much time as to be considered "leading him on."

You should be clear with yourself about what your deal-breakers are. These could include no alignment on certain values or life goals, certain behaviors or attitudes, etc. If any of those deal-breakers pop up during a first, second, or third date, then you have your answer.

Feelings that generally follow a good first date are butterflies and excitement.

At the end of a date, you should feel, at the very least, like you want to meet up with him again. You don’t need to feel certain that this man is your future husband after one date, but you should at least get a sense of whether you’re attracted to him on a physical level, whether your personalities line up (despite first date nerves), etc. If you’re counting down the minutes for your date to end, feeling drained after talking with him, or just totally uninterested in seeing him again, there’s likely a reason why and it’s not worth pursuing further. Don't feel bad about turning down or not initiating a second date if this happens. The feeling is more than likely mutual.

Feelings that generally follow a good first date are butterflies and excitement. If it’s worth pursuing, you should at least be feeling hopeful and happy about where a relationship could potentially lead. You'll know when this happens.

That being said, two dates are not a lot to go on to start feeling discouraged by dating altogether. Marriage expert Dr. John Gottman discovered it often takes 40-60 dates to find a good match. For one woman, it took 121 first dates to find her husband. (Don’t let those numbers discourage you, it’s just to illustrate that dating is sometimes a numbers game.) Despite having a lot in common when talking online, you may find that you’re just not connecting deeply with these men in person – and that’s okay! If you’re extroverted and interested in a more casual setting that would allow for quicker and more frequent first dates to get more experience with dating and determining what you like and dislike, stack dating might be key for you. There are pros and cons to any type of dating method, so we’d encourage you to check that out and also to stay hopeful. The right man is out there, and we promise you’ll be feeling anything but “uninterested” when he’s sitting across from you. 

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.