Ask Evie: Why Could My Ex-Boyfriend Commit To His New Girlfriend But Not Me?

READER’S QUESTION: "I’ve had an on-and-off relationship for the past year, and we ended things because he couldn’t commit for various reasons, yet he never really closed the door. He said there would always be hope, that he would always love me, and we only just spoke two months ago when I asked if we were doing the right thing. He just said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. But now I’ve run into him and his new girlfriend, who he ‘really hit it off with.’ And I was completely taken aback. How do I process this? It feels like betrayal, like I’ve been lied to, as if everything he said and did never meant anything.

I suppose I feel used and don’t understand how someone can say and do such things and then walk away and start again as if I never existed at all. Any advice on how to process and move on?”

EVIE’S ADVICE: We are so sorry you’re going through this and that you had to run into him with his new girlfriend in order to get clarity on what’s really going on! He may have thought he was sparing your feelings by saying that there would always be hope so as to let you down more softly and not reject your feelings toward him entirely (the male version of “friend-zoning”), or it could be more selfish. In many cases, the man keeps the door slightly open to the possibility of rekindling a romance with his ex because he wants to keep her as a “back pocket girl” in case he can’t find anyone else or he gets lonely here and there. He may also have felt worried that he was making a mistake or wanted to keep you on call so you couldn’t move on and get into a serious relationship with someone else. 

Being in an on and off again relationship is very frustrating, but it usually points to some issue that needs to be resolved. Is it an issue with your alignment of values or personalities or commitment level? In this case, your ex-boyfriend said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and when a guy says he is not ready for a relationship, he really means he is not ready for a relationship. Sometimes, that means not a relationship at all, but often, it means not a relationship with a particular person. If a guy truly likes a woman, this is not something he’s going to say (a hard truth, we know). Sometimes individuals, both men and women, will date someone who is good enough for now, but they know in the back of their mind that they don’t want to marry this person or be with them long-term, and so they say things like "we’ll just see how it goes" or "I’m not ready for a relationship right now." 

Sometimes, a guy meets someone he can see himself getting married to, and that pushes him into the land of commitment. 

Then, sometimes what happens is that a guy meets someone who he can see himself with long-term or getting married to, and that is what pushes him into the land of commitment. So it may not really even be about you. It could be more about what he was looking for, and he happened to find it shortly after breaking up with you. (And you’re not the only woman to be in this painful situation! Read more about why this happens here.)

In any case, it’s definitely in your best interest to move on. You don’t want a guy who isn’t sure of you or one hundred percent “in.” You deserve someone who is actually committed and wants to be in a relationship with you. The good news is, there will be a man who thinks you’re the most wonderful woman to ever exist, and that man will make the effort. It’s totally understandable to feel used and hurt, because it’s possible that you were used. So you need to make a conscious choice to forgive him for his immaturity and his bad approach to dating you, and let go of the past year and look forward to 2024 and hopefully a much better boyfriend. 

This means cutting off communication with him entirely to give yourself the space to genuinely process your feelings and move on. Mute or unfollow him on social media, delete him from your phone contacts – whatever you need to do. He doesn’t deserve your energy in telling him how betrayed you feel, and you certainly don’t want to allow yourself the possibility of “checking in” on him or subconsciously waiting around to see if he and his new girlfriend will break up so you can rekindle. It’s time to move on for good. In the meantime, enjoy your girl friends and your hobbies, and soon you’ll see why it didn’t work out!

Have a question you want our advice on? Email it to us at ask@eviemagazine.com.