Being Breadcrumbed Into A Situationship? Here’s What To Do About It

Whether you have been breadcrumbed or have seen the signs of it in a friend's relationship (if you can even call it that), it's commonly known to happen after a breakup and out-of-the-blue. He's paying attention to you off-and-on...again, and you’re left wondering why. Maybe this excites you, leaves you filled with dread, or keeps you in a state of anxiety because you just want to know what's happening, but these feelings aren't exclusive to random post-breakup contact with your ex. We need to talk about when this happens during the relationship, and what women can do in the "situationship" so we're not left guessing or feeling powerless. 

The Breadcrumbing Tactic

Maybe you’re familiar with breadcrumbing or it could be the first time you’ve ever heard anyone use the term. Breadcrumbing is the little bursts of contact, interest, or affection someone gives another person that are usually separated by periods of time. It’s the perfect way to keep someone on the hook in the dating pool without trying too hard. It could have pure intentions of testing the waters, or it could be straight-up manipulation. For those of us who experienced it post-breakup, it’s an ex who may genuinely want to try again or who wants us to keep thinking about him when we’re ready to move on. In the latter case, we have the experience of that relationship to help inform us what he might be intending by breadcrumbing us. 

The problem is, when it happens in dating and we’re still getting to know this guy, sometimes it’s difficult to tell what his intentions are, which usually puts us in a vulnerable and desperate state. In any case, a helpful indicator that he’s breadcrumbing us when dating is this strong feeling that something’s different in the relationship. Whether it was two weeks or two months long, something about the way he's talking to you now has changed and you can tell something’s off. Then his messages start to become short, spread apart, until he stops communicating with you altogether.

Reasons for his breadcrumbing can be that he’s suddenly unsure about making a big step (best case scenario), but more likely he’s not into you quite as much anymore, or worse, he’s found someone new. Yet, he’s still slightly hanging onto you, just in case anything changes for him. Breadcrumbing is a red-flag since he’s not respecting you and your time and effort, he’s not being honest to you or himself (or the new girl, if there is one). It shows that he’s not willing to risk a difficult conversation or a definitive breakup and is comfortable letting you linger in this no-name relationship state of his making. A real man will not leave you guessing his intentions because of his respect for you. He'll make his interest (or disinterest) known. 

Breadcrumbing shows he’s willing to let you linger in this no-name relationship state of his making.

It’s important to note that not all guys are specifically trying to breadcrumb when it’s happening. Not all guys enjoy pulling at your emotions so that you’re on the edge of insanity wondering about them, using the tactic to satisfy a need for attention from women. Steer clear of that type of man if you’re looking for commitment. Some guys might be doing it without realizing how hurtful their actions really are because they just never thought about it. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does explain why breadcrumbing while dating happens so often. Yet, what are we supposed to do about the guy breadcrumbing us into a situationship?

Take Back Control

In psychology, in addition to fight, flight, and freeze, another of our stress responses to threats is fawn. Martin Taylor with WebMD says,“Fawn is your body’s stress response to try to please someone to avoid conflict.” Our first instinct and tendency when being breadcrumbed by the guy we’re interested in, whom we’ve begun to bond with emotionally (even if it’s mostly unrequited), is to try really hard to keep him by pleasing him. But fawning means holding on without confronting him and finding answers. It means continuing to hopelessly guess and being disappointed or heartbroken – which is exactly how breadcrumbing makes us lose control. We're people-pleasing and giving up our power to act against the manipulation by avoiding finding out the reason why he's doing this.

The most important step to understanding the reasons behind the breadcrumbing and the situationship is to gain control, which may seem difficult to do since he’s seemingly holding all the cards. Emily Wilson Hussem, author and speaker, said in a YouTube video, “The longer you allow yourself to stay in a situationship, the more you start to believe that’s all there is. Or that’s all you're worthy of, that’s all you deserve.” It’s important that we realize that we’re putting up with his actions and the confusion of the whole dating situation, and that it’s time to stand up for ourselves so that we don’t end up feeling stuck or used. If we skip the waiting game by asserting ourselves in the situation instead of getting quietly dumped, we’ll gain the strength and the boldness to never compromise on the treatment we deserve.

Stop settling for confusion and gain control of the situation by asking straightforward questions.

Hussem recommends one of the easiest ways to stop settling for confusion and start gaining control of the situation: Ask questions. Our feminine intuition, believe it or not, is usually right. We had the feeling that something was off, and now is the time to find out if the warning we got from our bodies was telling us the truth. The kinds of questions we should ask should be straightforward: 

• “Are you interested in pursuing this relationship?” 

• “I noticed something has changed between us. What are you feeling, because I feel [fill in the blank].” 

• “Are you/we going to [fill in the blank], or should I move on?” 

• “Are you interested in pursuing this relationship?” 

Hussem even says something as simple as “What is this?” can get the conversation rolling into one that informs us on where he stands. Ask questions that help you get the answers to what you want to know, answers that explain why his attentiveness has grown less present and more sporadic.

Moving On

Asking those constructive questions can reveal his reasons for stalling the confrontation of breaking up and telling you the truth. Once his intentions have been uncovered, you can make the decision to say your piece (keep it classy) and move on from him. Moving on from the emotional attachment of a situationship can hurt tremendously, and just like in regular breakups, you need to do what is necessary to heal. 

Are there things that are going to needlessly remind you of him? Would unfollowing or blocking him on socials help you heal from the pain of having been strung along? If so, do it. You don’t need the reminder when trying to regain your footing after the situationship fell through, especially if he could try breadcrumbing you all over again. Reflect on your feelings, your mistakes, and his mistakes through journaling to help yourself understand the situation more clearly, as well as for future reference. Spend time with friends and family who value you without question. Do an activity you enjoy or start a new project. Sometimes trying out new things and discovering new passions can be instrumental in moving on and forward. But most importantly, learn to forgive him without forgetting all of the signs of a breadcrumbing man.

Closing Thoughts

Though breadcrumbing is prevalent as sudden contact with an ex, it’s also being used as a way to hold on to someone while dating without putting in the effort and time it takes to be in a committed and healthy relationship, while eventually dissolving into nothing. Once we have identified that he is indeed breadcrumbing us, we need to trust our gut, ask questions that get us real answers, and take action to protect our hearts so we can heal from the relationship and the hurt and doubt his actions caused us. Once we stand up for ourselves against the breadcrumbing that lures us into situationships, we’ll be able to determine which guys are real men pursuing real commitment.

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