Burning Questions: I’m A Virgin, How Do I Make My Wedding Night Go Smoothly?

READER'S QUESTION: "What are some ways to make the wedding night go smoothly? I'm a bit nervous because it'll be both our first times, and I'm mostly concerned about potential discomfort on my end or awkward moments."  

IVY'S ADVICE: The wedding night. The climax of the love story. You’ve pledged your lives to each other, danced until your heels gave out, waved goodbye to every aunt and uncle, and now, you’re alone. Just you and your husband. The world falls away. But here’s the truth: while fairy tales fade to black, real life gets vulnerable. The idea of finally having sex can stir up a heady mix of excitement, nerves, anticipation—and that nagging "what if it’s awkward?" feeling. Especially if it’s your first time.

First, breathe. If you’re nervous, good. That means this matters to you. That means your body and mind understand what you’re about to give and receive. So let’s make it beautiful. Let’s make it unforgettable. And let’s make sure you’re prepared.

Get Your Mind and Body Ready

Sex doesn’t start with the wedding night. It starts in your mind, long before he slides off your dress. In the weeks leading up to your wedding, give yourself permission to get curious and open to the idea of sex. Read erotic but elegant sexual literature. Not porn. Not raunchy. Think The Lover by Marguerite Duras. Or dive into Evie’s sex section and read all the juicy, loving, wife-centered sex articles you can. Let your imagination explore the idea of intimacy so that your heart and body feel safe and ready to receive it.

And while we’re being smart: yes, go see your OB-GYN. You’ll want to make sure everything is healthy and that you don’t have vaginismus, a condition where the vaginal muscles tighten involuntarily, making penetration painful or impossible. If you do have signs of it, it’s completely treatable, and it’s better to know before your honeymoon. Think of it like whitening your teeth before your wedding photos. Just smart bridal maintenance.

Start With Conversation

The sexiest thing you can do before the clothes come off? Talk. Before the wedding, open up with your soon-to-be husband. Share your nerves. Share your hopes. Tell him what you're excited about and what you're unsure of. Emotional intimacy is the foundation for physical intimacy. The more known and loved you feel, the easier your body will soften and say yes.

And when the moment arrives, or even the night before, say something like this:

"I’ve waited my whole life to give myself to a man like this. And I’m so glad it’s you. I know it’s our first time, and I know it might not be perfect right away, but I’m so excited. I want you so badly. I want us to explore each other. I want to have wild, passionate sex with you. I want to be your fantasy and your reality. But I need to ask something of you, too. Please be patient with me. I’m a little nervous. This is new for me. It’s a big moment for my body, my heart, and my mind. I need you to be gentle with me at first. The more foreplay we have, the more kissing, touching, softness, the more my body will relax and get naturally turned on. The more my body gets aroused, the easier it’ll be. Once my body adjusts, I’ll be able to move more, play more, take more. And I can’t wait for that. But for the first time, just take your time with me. Make love to me slowly. I want to savor every second of our first time. Can you do that?"

This isn’t about controlling the moment. It’s about opening it. Leading him with your voice so he knows how to love you in the exact way you need.

Should I Plan the Night or Let It Flow?

If you’re nervous or wondering how to approach the night, having a soft, feminine “sequence” can help you feel grounded without feeling rigid.

You don’t need a checklist. You need a mood. A roadmap. A story you can gently follow.

Think of something like this:

I’m going to let him undress me slowly. Then we’ll make out for a while, take our time. When I feel ready, I’ll go down on him and let myself get playful. Maybe we’ll shower together after and let the water help us explore. Then, when the moment feels right, I’ll ask him to give me a massage. I want to relax under his hands. And when I’m warm and open, I’ll flip the energy and give him a sensual massage in return, maybe even a lingam massage as part of foreplay. Then, when I feel ready, we’ll have sex. And no matter how it goes, I want to end the night wrapped in his arms.

Let it unfold naturally, but feel free to dream it in advance.

If You’re Really Nervous, Here’s a Secret Tip Therapists Love

If you’re worried about performance anxiety, what to do, how to act, and how to get out of your head, here’s a powerful shift that sex therapists often recommend:

Focus on turning him on.

It grounds you. You’re not spiraling about your body or your technique, you’re noticing his. His breath, his reactions, his arousal. It pulls you into the moment.

It gives you control. You’re not waiting for something to happen to you, you’re leading the energy. That flips the script and builds your confidence.

It makes penetration easier. The more turned on he is, the harder he’ll be. And a fully erect penis is much easier to guide inside and far more comfortable for your body to receive.

It softens him emotionally. A man who feels worshipped, teased, kissed, and adored is a man who will take his time with you, savor your body, and treat your pleasure like a treasure.

Romance First, Not Penetration

A wedding night shouldn’t feel like a performance. There’s no goalpost to cross. Begin with what makes you feel cherished: kisses down your neck, hands exploring your waist, lips trailing down your inner thighs. Make out like teenagers. 

And don’t skip one of the best ways to build arousal: dry humping. 

Making out while still in your lingerie and grinding against each other with clothes still on or just barely off helps your body get turned on naturally. Your vulva and clitoris will become more sensitive and stimulated, your vagina more lubricated, and your entire body more relaxed and ready. Let yourself rub against his thigh or his hard erection while you kiss. Moan when it feels good. You’ll be amazed how erotic it feels and how much easier everything becomes after. Remember, the more turned on you are, the better. Don’t rush to penetration. Let your body beg for it first!

Use Lots of Lube

If you’re nervous, it’s harder to get wet. Even if you’re deeply aroused, nerves can tighten everything up. So pack a natural, high-quality water-based lubricant in your honeymoon bag. Use it generously. You are not ‘broken’ if you need it. You are wise, sensual, and prepared.

Position Makes All the Difference

Missionary is underrated, especially for first-timers. Have him above you, supporting his weight with his forearms. Keep eye contact. Kiss. Breathe. You can place a pillow under your hips to make entry easier and less painful. Let him ease in slowly, inch by inch, waiting between movements so your body can adjust. 

Let Him Know What You’re Feeling

Tell him what feels good. Tell him when to stop. Use your voice, not to be perfect or sexy, but to be present. The awkwardness dissolves when you both stay in it together. You are learning each other. That’s not awkward. That’s intimate. You may feel self-conscious about moaning at first, but moaning is magical for two reasons. It tells your brain this feels good and actually deepens your arousal. It shifts you out of your head and into your senses. And for your husband, it’s a massive turn on. Men love hearing their women moan. It makes him feel powerful, connected, wanted. Even the softest gasp or breathy whisper can drive him wild. So don’t hold back. 

Don’t Expect Fireworks. Expect Realness

Your first time may be slow, simple, and even slightly painful. That’s okay! It might also be magical. Both are normal. Orgasms may not happen right away. That’s okay, too. This night isn’t about finishing, it’s about beginning. The more you have sex, the easier and more pleasurable it will become. 

Aftercare Is Where the Magic Is

Once it’s over, don’t rush. Stay close. Kiss. Touch his face. Let him hold you. Maybe fall asleep with your limbs tangled up. That space after sex is where the bonding happens. That’s when you feel like, “Yes, I am yours. And you are mine.”

Common Awkward Moments and What To Do

“It hurts…” or “He can’t get it in.”
Unless you have vaginismus, this just means your body needs more time. Make out and dry hump longer. Touch each other. Apply more lube. Guide him in slowly, inch by inch. If it doesn’t slide in easily, pause. Let your body catch up to your desire. You’re not a machine. You’re a woman opening for the first time.

“What if I queef or make a weird noise?”
You might. And it’s fine. It’s just air and movement. Laugh, smile, or ignore it entirely. He won’t care. If anything, it’s a sign you two are really going for it. 

“What if I bleed?”
It’s okay. Some women do, some don’t. It’s usually just a drop or two. Put a towel down beforehand, just in case. And if it happens, don’t panic. You can rinse off together or use a warm washcloth or wipe. He won’t be disgusted. If anything, he’ll be thinking, “wow, I just took her virginity.” 

“I feel shy being naked in front of him.”
That’s completely normal. Modesty doesn’t vanish the moment you say “I do.” Let him undress you slowly. Keep the lights low. Focusing on his naked body and his erection will help distract you from feeling self-conscious.

“What if I don’t orgasm?”
You might not the first time, and that’s okay. This night isn’t about chasing a climax. It’s about connection, closeness, and giving yourself fully. Your pleasure will come, and it will only get better every time.

“What if we just can’t do it?”
You might not be able to. It’s more common than you think. Your body is learning, opening, and trusting. You can still have a sexual, passionate experience! The most important thing is to not allow it to kill the mood or crush your spirits. Try again tomorrow!  

If It Doesn’t Happen: Still Make It Hot

Give Each Other a Naked Full-Body Massage
Ask him to give you a massage. Let him worship your body with soft oil, slow pressure, warm kisses, and maybe oral. Then give him a sensual massage in return, maybe even a lingam massage as part of foreplay.

Oral Sex
Let him go down on you. Or pleasure him with your hands and lips. You can read my article for a comprehensive guide on oral sex that will majorly spice up your honeymoon and give you backup tools in case penetrative sex gets off to a slow start. 

Use Your Hands on Each Other
Touch each other slowly. There are many pleasurable body parts to explore, including ones you might not expect! 

Let Him Press Against You Without Entering
Hold his shaft against your vulva. Feel him there. Let the energy build naturally.

Shower Together
Rinse, lather, kiss, grind. Let it be fun and sensual without pressure.

Pro Tips To Keep in Mind

• Don’t skip foreplay. Let it be long, slow, indulgent
• Bring lube, even if you don’t think you’ll need it
• Put a towel down if you’re worried about bleeding
• Pee after sex to prevent UTIs
• If it doesn’t work the first time, try again tomorrow 

This is the night you step into the next chapter of womanhood. Not because of what goes in your body, but because of what you’ve given. Trust. Surrender. Love. Pleasure. Give yourself permission to take it slow, to feel every sensation, and to be adored. And don’t worry. If you’re married to a good man, he’ll be just as honored, nervous, and obsessed with your pleasure as you are with his. And soon enough, you’ll go from nervous to insatiable.

Congratulations on your wedding! I’m wishing you all the pleasure in the world! 

P.S. - Future Husbands
If you’re reading this, know that your job tonight isn’t to perform. It’s to protect, to honor, to savor. Her body is opening to you for the first time. Not just sexually, but emotionally and spiritually. Be gentle. Be present. Be proud that she’s entrusted herself to you! Sex might not come as easily to her as it does to you in the beginning. She may feel nervous, shy, or overwhelmed. But the more you make her feel safe, adored, and beautiful, the more her body will respond. The more she’ll open up. The more she’ll crave you. Make her feel like a goddess on your wedding night, and she’ll remember it for the rest of her life.

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