Burning Questions: Why Do I Avoid Sex With My Husband?

READER'S QUESTION:"We’re both attracted to each other, waited till marriage, and were super excited for the wedding night! Things were great at first, but somewhere along the way something switched, and now I avoid it like the plague. He asks frequently, but I just never feel like it."

IVY'S ADVICE: First of all, I love that you’re asking this question. It means you care, and that’s a great start. Now, let’s get into the truth, because avoiding sex with your husband is a flashing red light that something deeper is going on, and I want to help you fix it.

Sex is the glue of marriage. It’s the secret sauce that keeps you two bonded, deeply in love, and wildly attracted to each other, even through the ups and downs of life. So when you start dodging intimacy, it’s not just “one of those things.” It’s a sign that something is out of sync —physically, emotionally, hormonally, or even psychologically. The good news? It’s fixable.

1. What Changed? Let’s Get Honest

You say things were great at first. That means you know what good sex feels like. You know the connection that intimacy can bring. So what happened? Did sex start feeling like a chore? Did stress, kids, body changes, or resentment creep in? Do you feel like he’s not romancing you anymore, or do you feel guilty for not being in the mood and avoiding it altogether?

Be brutally honest with yourself. Women don’t just randomly stop wanting sex. There’s a root cause, and it’s time to pinpoint it.

2. Are You Taking Care of Your Libido?

If you never feel like having sex, your hormones might be waving a white flag. Libido isn’t just a “mood thing” — it’s deeply connected to your health. Some things that can tank your sex drive:

• Hormonal imbalances: Low testosterone, postpartum changes, birth control, stress hormones (cortisol). Have you ever checked your hormones? You might need to. Are you educated on how your sex drive fluctuates throughout your menstrual cycle? 

• Nutritional deficiencies: Are you fueling your body with foods that support a healthy sex drive? (Maca root, zinc, magnesium, healthy fats, vitamin D — libido’s foundational friends.)

• Exhaustion: If you’re running on fumes, sex will feel like another “task” rather than something to crave. Prioritize rest and pleasure in your daily life — your body will follow suit.

You can’t expect your body to crave sex if you’re not giving it what it needs to want sex.

3. Are You Turned Off by the Idea of Sex?

This is where a lot of women get stuck. If your brain has started associating sex with pressure, obligation, or guilt, of course you’re going to avoid it.

So let’s reframe it. Sex is something you get to experience with him — something delicious, bonding, intoxicating, and immensely pleasurable. But to feel that way, you have to be an active participant, not just a passive receiver. I think husbands and wives owe each other love and sex since that’s the core of a marriage! But if you think of it as a duty, your body is going to take it out of the “pleasure” bucket and put it into the “chore” bucket. 

So what turns you on? What makes you feel sexy? Have you been putting in effort to desire sex, or just hoping it’ll magically show up? Because here’s the truth: desire is something you cultivate, not something you wait for.

• Flirt with him throughout the day.

• Remember your best sex together. What made it great? Bring that energy back.

• Watch yourself in the mirror while getting dressed. Cultivate your feminine sensuality.

You can’t go from zero to “I’m ready to be ravished” in an instant if you’re not already feeding your desire in the small moments of life.

4. Are You Holding Onto Resentment?

This one’s big. If you feel distant from him, unheard, or even subtly resentful about something (even small things like feeling unappreciated), your body will not want sex. Women’s desire is emotional first, physical second.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel emotionally connected to my husband right now?

• Do I feel adored, valued, and seen?

• Have we been spending quality time together outside of sex?

• Is there something I need to talk to him about?

If you’re carrying unspoken frustration or resentment, fix it. Today. That open loop in your mind will keep shutting down your libido until you address it.

5. Are You Waiting to “Feel Like It”?

Here’s some tough love. If you’re waiting for desire to just magically hit you, you’re doing it backwards.

Men’s desire works like a light switch: fast, instant, ready to go. Women’s desire is more like a dimmer switch. It grows when you nurture it. If you keep saying “I’m not in the mood” and never initiate, your libido will wither away even more.

Sometimes, the best way to want sex is just to start. Take a shower, put on something that makes you feel good, and initiate even if you’re not totally “feeling it” at first. You might be shocked at how quickly your body catches up.

Don’t listen to the people, especially random women online, who validate your “feelings” about how you shouldn’t have sex with your husband because you don’t feel like it, unless your aim is divorce. It’s that important. 

6. He Wants You—That’s a Good Thing!

Let’s flip the perspective. Your husband wants you. He desires you. He craves intimacy with you. That’s something to celebrate! Imagine if he didn’t. Imagine if he stopped asking. 

Men thrive on feeling desired just as much as women do. If he’s pursuing you and you’re constantly rejecting him, he’s likely feeling rejected, unwanted, and unsure of how to fix it. That’s not good for either of you.

7. You Can Reignite the Fire—But You Have to Want To

The fact that you’re asking this means you do want to fix it, and that’s a great sign. So take action. Tonight, do something different. Flirt. Kiss him like you mean it. Take off your clothes, get in bed together, and just explore without overthinking. Let your body remember what it’s like to crave him again.

Here’s the hard truth: a sexless marriage won’t last. It’s the fastest way to turn your husband into a roommate, to create distance, resentment, and eventually, destruction. If you want a strong, happy, passionate marriage, you can’t neglect sex. It’s not just something fun to do—it’s the thing that keeps your bond unbreakable. And the best part? When you prioritize sex, everything else gets better. Stress melts away. You sleep better. Annoyances don’t bother you as much. Your husband suddenly looks hotter. You laugh more, touch more, and feel more in love. This is what marriage is supposed to feel like. But you have to choose it.

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