Women Do Pay For Dates, Even If They Don’t Pick Up The Tab

Women nowadays, reared in the environs of third-wave feminism, would argue that there’s nothing profoundly radical about splitting the bill or even paying for it themselves. But if fans of the alleged gender pay gap are to be believed, there’s a widespread return currently in effect demanding that men foot the entire bill. 

If you’re a single woman today facing the dating world, you might feel like you’re in a bind – damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Whether you are or aren’t a fan of chivalry and traditional gender roles, you might offend the man across from you if you pick up the check, or he might think you’re presumptuous and entitled if you don’t. But we’re here to bust the myth that women don’t pay for dates, even if they don't pick up the tab. 

Dating Is Expensive, No Matter Who Pays

Inflation and an impending recession have made everything more expensive, even dating. You might be excited at the prospect of a date with a new guy, but bowled over by the thought that you might have to pick up the tab for a simple dinner or a few drinks, all of which cost more now than they did a few years ago.

One financial media site issued a survey on dating to single Americans aged 18-40. The survey found that, on average, millennials spend nearly $70 on a first date, and many participants said their willingness to accept a second date increased if their date paid for the first one. Sixty-two percent of participants agreed that the best approach was to split the check.

Whoever ends up paying, make sure you’re both in agreement on it before you order.

The cost of a date does depend on what you do, as we all know, but it’s also affected by where you are. Urban areas understandably cost more, and depending on taxes and the cost of gas, you could pay almost $112 in New York for a first date, compared to $97 in South Dakota – each price estimates the average cost of a movie, dinner, and drinks in those states. Whoever ends up paying (and no, you don’t owe him anything if he picks up the tab), make sure you’re both in agreement about it before you unexpectedly get stuck with the bill.

Why Men Pay (or Don’t) for Dates

When it comes to asking for the first date and paying for said date, most of us are still pretty traditional in how we go about it. Women usually wait for the man to ask them out first, and men continue to pick up the tab, though now it feels like there’s more confusion about who should pay.

Gender dynamics can be awkward, especially when it comes to money and potentially spending a considerable amount on a person you just met. The conventional standard around dating usually dictates that the person who asks (the man) usually pays. But the internet is rife with first-date nightmares and firsthand accounts of what can happen when things don’t go as they should. A few years ago, in an article from The Wall Street Journal, a woman recounts how she met a man on Tinder, which led to their first date. When she came home after the date, she received a $20 Venmo request for her portion of the meal. Most of us would agree that this is, at best, just plain rude and, at worst, a red flag. But when there’s no communication of expectation beforehand, those kinds of situations are what we’re left with.

If the standard, even today, is that men continue to pay for dates, what does it mean when they don’t? Nothing good, that’s for sure. While we might be miffed at being out the cost of a meal or movie ticket, being stuck with the bill might be a reflection of our own behavior. Several men reveal their inner logic behind this particular decision. “If she was extremely obnoxious, I probably wouldn’t pay,” a friend of mine says. Others cite reasons such as not planning to see the woman again or being treated poorly as to why they won’t pick up the tab.

Women Pay Even When We Don’t

If men have paid for dates since the beginning of time, and they’re still paying, that means women aren’t, right? Actually, there are a lot of expenses that go into a date that are relatively unseen. And women pay for all of them, as it turns out. A Match.com survey from 2011 investigated these unseen expenses.

Women want to feel good when they go on a date, and the most common way we achieve this is by looking good. Not all of us go on a first date looking like Miss America, but there’s a certain amount of grooming involved, even for the most low-maintenance woman.

A reported 65% of women said they spent $50 or more preparing for a date.

Match.com found that 53% of women spend money on “pre-date grooming” essentials, including skincare, makeup, clothing, shoes, accessories, and other miscellaneous items like hair and nail appointments. Additionally, a reported 65% of women said they spent $50 or more preparing for a date. They might also have a gym membership which keeps them in shape, and even a paid subscription to an online dating app or matchmaking service. If there’s alcohol involved, they might also cover the cost of a rideshare app, which can get pricey depending on the day of the week or how late they stay out. 

Some might argue that primping and getting dressed up isn’t comparable to the exact cost of an expensive meal or other costly date activity, like a concert. But those same people would probably be disappointed if their date showed up looking like a slob who doesn’t care about their appearance, or isn’t considerate enough to look nice for the date they’re meant to impress. The man might pick up the check, but that doesn’t mean the woman across from him hasn’t invested any time or money at all into their date.

Closing Thoughts

If a man picks up the check, you’re obligated to be gracious and thankful. The best way to hold men to a higher gentlemanly standard is by not coming off as bratty and entitled. Likewise, the man you’re seeing should show appreciation for what you’ve brought to the table. Investing time and, yes, money into doing our hair, nails, makeup, and generally sprucing up our appearance for a date can be stressful and nerve-wracking, but hearing an appreciative “you look beautiful tonight” makes it all worthwhile.

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