Could Bed Sharing With Your Baby Contribute To Divorce?

Bed sharing with your baby is a concept that deserves a critically thought-out approach and nuanced discussion. Individuals on either side of the spectrum might get offended by contrasting points discussed here, but that’s the potential downside of a conversation with veritable distinctions. Finer points should always be addressed, not just the ones we’re most comfortable with.

Specifically, many critics of bed sharing point to the potential lost sleep that parents might experience as their child grows beyond the newborn stage, in addition to more practical questions – like how does a couple cuddle together? Talk? Or have sex? Or even, could bed sharing possibly contribute to sleep divorce – or actual divorce?

Reframing the Concept of Bed Sharing

Any woman who’s ever given birth in the U.S. knows that hospital environments overwhelmingly push “safe sleep” programs onto new parents, many of whom don’t know anything beyond what they’re told by doctors and care providers. Safe sleep programs promote very specific and rigid approaches to avoid occurrences like SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), which include measures like making sure an infant sleeps in their own space, free of blankets and pillows, and exclusively on their back for the first months of life. Parents who bed share, drink alcohol, and smoke are all at increased risk of that condition – according to safe sleep programs. These potential risk factors are drilled into new parents from day one.

Moms-to-be are educated extensively on the pitfalls of bed sharing, like the baby falling from the bed and potential suffocation and strangulation. These frightening scenarios from the dominant cultural narrative are enough to ensure any new parent adheres to “safe sleep” recommendations. Bed sharing advocates often point out how government or physician-sponsored data is unjustly skewed toward anti-bed sharing, which roundly condemns parents instead of educating them on both sides of the issue.

We should use the word cultural here because bed sharing is very much a cultural concept. While the parents of America may be terrified by the thought, bed sharing is actually more common than not in other countries – and even more common in America than we think. But these countries don’t have increased rates of SIDS. Hong Kong, where bed sharing is extremely common as it is throughout most of Asia, has some of the lowest SIDS rates in the world. How is this possible?

Japan saw a decline in SIDS as both rates of bed sharing and breastfeeding increased – and as maternal smoking rates decreased.

The Japan SIDS Family Organization reports that their organization discovered a pronounced connection between bed sharing, breastfeeding, and smoking. Bed sharing is common in Japan, as is co-sleeping (where both children and parents sleep in the same room but not necessarily the same bed), and this agency saw a decline in SIDS as both rates of bed sharing and breastfeeding increased – and as maternal smoking rates decreased. Japan has among the lowest SIDS and infant mortality rates in the world.

The success of bed sharing in other countries doesn’t negate the very real rates of infant danger and death we have here in the U.S. But those rates of SIDS are evidence that we haven’t committed to addressing the concept as thoroughly as we should. Because safe sleep is the go-to approach, parents who want to bed share might find it harder to secure education, correct information, and acceptance, and might very well put their family at more risk due to that gap. A significant study released in the ‘90s is often cited by safe sleep campaigns, but has been rightfully criticized for rejecting bed sharing as a whole, and not just in instances where proper safety measures haven’t been taken. Bed sharing has strict rules, just as safe sleep programs do, and outside the U.S., sleep is more about a feeling of kinship than it is about getting a solid eight hours of rest.

Does Sleep Divorce Precede Actual Divorce?

Our approach to sleep is very different in this country, and that doesn’t mean other approaches are better or worse. They’re just different. In America, the norm is for parents to sleep in their own bed together, and move babies (if they co-sleep) to a nursery or another room at a later time. Our beds are where we sleep and attempt to rest, but for many couples, their bed has relationship purposes as well. They’re where we talk and wake up together, cuddle after a long day, bond and share intimacy, both physical and otherwise.

From a bed-sharing standpoint, there’s a lack of privacy for mom and dad once the baby enters the picture. Bed sharing practitioners might keep their child in bed once they’ve left the baby stage, and may even add more children to the mix. Mom may feel increased stress and anxiety with having a baby near, as their quality and length of sleep dictate hers, and as they age or even experience sleep regression, all may sleep less. Sleep deprivation also triggers a decrease in libido, meaning that even if you’re sleeping together, you may not be really sleeping together. Combine sleep deprivation, stress, and lack of intimacy, and you’ve got a recipe for resentment, or something far worse.

One mom (who wishes to remain anonymous for this article) confesses that bed sharing was not what she expected at all. She now has three kids and has been married for well over a decade, but when she tried bed sharing with her first child, she wasn’t sure her marriage would make it to their one-year anniversary, much less 10 years. 

“I thought it would be easier to breastfeed, but once [the baby] got older, he wanted to nurse for comfort instead of sleeping,” she tells Evie, which she acknowledges is completely natural. She would nurse him to get him back to sleep, meaning that every time he woke up during the night, he wanted to be fed. But because her husband was the main provider and had a job to go to during the day, they started sleeping in separate rooms. “It was awful. When neither of us slept well, we were cranky and irritable, [but] I missed having him next to me. And I grew to resent him, honestly; I was so angry with him all the time.”

A survey reported that one in four couples said they want a sleep divorce.

This mom’s experience isn’t everyone’s, but a sleep divorce (or sleeping in separate rooms or separate beds) is also more common than you might think. A survey reported that one in four couples said they want a sleep divorce, which happens for all kinds of reasons, like needing more space, one individual (or both) snoring, or discomfort with temperature or the mattress. At the same time, though data is limited, several studies have also discovered that individuals report sleeping better with their significant others than they do alone. In one survey, almost 26% of the participants who had a sleep divorce reported that they ended up sharing a bed again. One study from 2022 found a definite positive correlation between sharing a bed with a partner and better mental health. 

If the reasons most often cited for divorce are contempt (which might be preceded by resentment), growing apart, lack of intimacy, and poor communication, then bed sharing or even a sleep divorce could well be major contributions to those experiences. Once you have kids, your spouse isn’t just your mate, but your co-parent. Now there are more people to consider in your family besides yourselves, which makes the nature of marital issues, however they arise, so significant. It isn’t just the two of you anymore – you have other people to think about, and they’re obviously affected by the issues that affect the both of you, positive or negative.

What To Do, What Not To Do

A realistic mindset is knowing that while bed sharing may work for you, it doesn’t for some families, and vice versa – and that’s fine. What matters is that everyone is sleeping safely, soundly, and getting adequate rest.

If you’re considering bed sharing, know that disclosing that to some people might not get you the welcoming acceptance you think it will. Look for trusted, reliable resources to learn about it, or even consult close friends and family who have expertly navigated it. Make sure your spouse is completely on board and that you’re both committed to what it requires of both of you, for the safety of your little one and sharing a space with them.

If you wanted to bed share or were planning to but are experiencing some unexpected effects, don’t be disheartened. You’re not a bad mom or a bad spouse. Your baby can still share a room with you in their own space, and the both of you can still bond while everyone gets enough rest. 

If you’re experiencing a disconnect with your spouse or even going through a sleep divorce, it’s critical that you’re both communicating and maybe even doing the unsexy things everyone dismisses, like scheduling when to have sex because you’re not sharing a bed (or the two of you are sharing a bed with kids). Our friend who experienced problems as a result of bed sharing has this to offer: “Have the uncomfortable conversations. It’s absolutely necessary. Feelings might get hurt, or someone might get offended, [but] be straight up with them. They’re your teammate in all this, and neither of you can go about your day if you’re exhausted or feeling simmering hatred for the other person.”

Closing Thoughts

Bed sharing is a touchy subject, but it doesn’t need to be. These conversations are important to have, regardless of how they make us feel, and being better educated on them equips us with more effective decision-making skills and the way we address it with others.

Support our cause and help women reclaim their femininity by subscribing today.