Divorce Parties Are Now Trending, But Here’s Why They’re Damaging To Society

The “big day” is certainly cause for celebration. Itemize the bill for a standard American wedding, and on average, you’ll see couples spending $30,000 once they’ve added up the venue, dress, ring, photographer(s) and videographer(s), florist(s), live musicians, rehearsal dinner, reception dinner, reception DJ, wedding planner, wedding cake, invitations, hair and makeup, and more. Oh, and don’t forget the pre-wedding bachelorette and bachelor party shenanigans!

But many costly elements for a wedding are worth it to couples for the overall experience. To some, it’s really important to have a big bash with as many friends and family as possible. And going all out to celebrate your marriage makes sense – your life has been radically changed for the better!

But what about when your life is radically changed in the other direction with a divorce? Apparently, divorce is now a trendy cause for celebration as well, so don’t be surprised if you’re sent an invite to a divorce party. But is divorce really something we should be celebrating?

What’s the Allure of a Divorce Party?

I’ve been aware of the rising concept of the divorce party since I did a deep dive on another puzzling trend – people marrying themselves as a “radical” act of self-love. In my eyes, these are all symptoms of a society in decline because of how they degrade the existing, productive institution of marriage and replace it with subversive and ideologically bankrupt realities. 

But, let’s give divorcées the benefit of the doubt for a moment. The divorce party, shot into the spotlight by a recent Wall Street Journal article, is meant to be the final hurrah, the punctuation at the end of your sentence for what was once a cohesive relationship. If you realized too late that you and your spouse don’t really get one another’s vibe or if you’ve sadly been dealing with genuine physical or psychological abuse from your spouse, it does seem like your newfound liberation would be a cause for celebration, right?

Whether you stop into Spencer’s Gifts at the mall or take your purchasing power online at Etsy or Amazon, you can stock up on themed divorce party goodies, decorations, and games. Need matching koozies for your whole girl gang to keep their Trulys cold? There’s one that says “Divorced AF.” “Bride To Be” sashes are now a relic of your past – instead you can get one that reads “End of an Error.”

“Celebrating our best friend entering her divorce era,” says one TikTok user joining in on the new divorce party trend. In the video, decorations such as pennant bunting reads “Her vagina deserves better” and balloon letters that read “Adios Prick” paired with a little cartoon cactus balloon. 

According to the Wall Street Journal, Pinterest searches for “divorce cakes” rose 50% and “divorce-party games” rose 80% from June 2021 to June 2022. They also noted a surge in interest for “divorce party” decorating ideas and “divorce gifts.” But how much of it is fueled by a genuine drive to celebrate the start of a new chapter? Could it instead be a manifestation of materialistic, narcissistic behaviors that are encouraged by pressure from social media? 

One TikTok user admitted that she had been planning her divorce party for months. In her video hashtagged #DivorceParty, she dances to Erica Banks’s “Buss It,” is photographed in clubbing attire on a pink throne, and does her own take on a pageant winner’s photoshoot – formal gown, tiara, “Miss Divorce USA 2021” sash, and big bouquet of roses. The associated hashtag has over 94M views on TikTok, but you’ll of course find divorce party escapades on all social media platforms.

Should You Really Be Wearing Your “L” As a Badge of Honor?

What may be intended to be women showing off a “win” as they wear their “I Got 99 Problems But A Husband Ain’t One” shirts, pop champagne bottles, and relive their drunken bachelorette memories in completely contrasting circumstances can easily look like an admittal of a “loss.” Whether it’s for social media clout or to rub salt in your ex-husband’s wounds, posting videos of yourself burning your (probably expensive) wedding dress doesn’t demonstrate victory. It reads as vindictive and desperate for attention. 

I’m very sympathetic to the fact that plenty of women celebrating their divorce are doing so because they’re truly escaping a toxic relationship. But is it not repeating the cycle of toxicity by aggressively making a scene online? Wouldn’t you instead feel more liberated from your spouse by practicing a bit of humility, instead of letting him drive you into a vindictive ego-trip? Marriage is a two-way street after all, and perhaps it would be healthier to get introspective about your own role in the divorce as well as what you could do better in the future to avoid repeating this sort of situation.

There’s honestly nothing healing about “getting even” or holding a grudge. Seeking revenge is a natural response to feeling like you’ve been slighted, wronged, or abused. However, holding bitterness in your heart is a surefire way to feel way worse! Research suggests that when you fixate on negative emotions instead of resolving them through healthy coping mechanisms, you may ultimately increase your feelings of anger in the end.

Making Sense of the Divorce Rate

A failed marriage isn’t actually something to be proud of, unless you’re celebrating freedom from an abuser. Indeed, splitting a family (whether there are children involved or not) causes pain within the now-broken family unit.

When filing for divorce, couples splitting up can go the fault or no-fault route. With fault-based divorce, a spouse filing a divorce petition would need to prove fault, whether that’s matrimonial offenses, adultery, abandonment, prison confinement, emotional or physical abuse, or even if the spouse lied about their ability to have sex. Fault-based divorce could increase the amount of alimony or marital property that the divorcée receives.

Then, there’s the no-fault divorce option which means that neither party involved needs to be blamed for abuse, infidelity, or any other reason in order to secure a divorce. Across the pond or here in America, no-fault divorces are becoming popular now that couples can legally obtain them more easily. California paved the way for adopting no-fault divorce laws, but now nearly all states have followed in its footsteps. 

This divorce revolution has gutted the institution of marriage of its previous legal power that bound husband and wife. Once the floodgates of no-fault divorce laws were opened, America’s divorce rate more than doubled. Thankfully, we’ve seen the numbers drop after divorce rates reached their peak in the early ‘80s, and now we’re looking at numbers closer to 14 divorces per 1,000 married women.

Some believe that this stabilization is due to the fact that the rate of marriage in the first place is lower nowadays for working-class or poorer Americans. Middle and upper-class Americans are sustaining our marriage rate because culture has shifted perspectives in such a way that people feel they need to be very financially and emotionally secure before they tie the knot. Among younger adults, marriage is down while cohabitation is up, and this is not just an American trend. 

For some couples just in the dating stages, it makes more financial sense to them to share an apartment before there’s even an engagement ring in sight. For others, there may be a formal date on the calendar to tie the knot. And, for an increasingly larger percentage of Americans, there may also be a child (or two, or three) born out of wedlock involved.

It makes some logical sense that if you’re struggling to make ends meet, planning for marriage in a culture obsessed with extravagant, over-the-top weddings certainly isn’t your first priority. But, this is a sad misunderstanding of the function of marriage to be a partnership between man and woman to learn and grow together to become the best versions of themselves. 

The Effects of Divorce on the Husband and Wife

One Fortune article about how divorce can wreak havoc on finances compared the overall cost to a “death of a thousand cuts,” but we cannot forget about the laundry list of lasting psychological implications. Separation has many multifaceted emotional costs involved for both sexes.

When a mother and father keep their family unit intact, data suggests that maternal parenting stress goes down. Men are taking on more parenting tasks today than in decades prior, but women still do bear a larger brunt of responsibility.

Divorce stresses out the man in the picture in a few different ways. Since more women initiate divorce than men, research has shown that men end up more surprised by the decision and, as a result, more stressed by the dissolution of their vows. Substance abuse goes up for both genders during divorce, but early research suggests that self-medication through alcohol or drugs is more common among men.

In general, divorce has immediate impacts on both spouses’ mental and physical health. This is shown through lower vitality, decreased social functioning, worsened emotional capacity, and poorer physical health. Certainly, going splitsville can be a big relief for those who were suffering. Some even feel as though their friendship with their now ex-spouse improved after the divorce. But, there is also so much to grieve.

When Children Suffer from Divorce, the Whole Nation Suffers

Divorce isn’t as easy as reality television stars make it seem. Don’t ever lose sight of the fact that they have celebrity-tier resources to support singlehood. Meanwhile, much of America still struggles despite having combined income from husband and wife, and if there are children involved, that introduces a myriad of resource-related issues.

Typically, but not always, the father will be the absent parent after divorce, and ultimately, 21% of American children are being raised without their father. There are of course cases where the mother isn’t in the picture, but of the nearly one-quarter of U.S. children living with only one parent, it’s usually the father who isn’t around.

Children of single-parent households are twice as likely to suffer from behavioral or mental health problems compared to children living with married parents. Breaking up a family can lead a child to feel ashamed, afraid, or reluctant to reach out to their same-age peers. They may blame themselves for their parent’s failed marriage and act out, whether that’s through bullying, reclusive behaviors, or destructive vices like underage smoking or drinking. Watching parents deal with divorce lawyers, be at one another’s throats, and feel stressed over finances can really take a toll on a young boy or girl who is still developing emotionally. 

Children raised without their mothers are more likely to experience difficulties developing secure attachments in their own relationships. But again, in general, the child of divorce goes with the mother. It’s really troubling to consider that adolescents who didn’t have a father figure at home not only achieve less academically, but they also have the highest risk of school and course failure. Similar studies show that parental divorce does indeed lower the affected child’s interest in school and may even lead them to not complete high school or college. 

The five states with the highest divorce rates also rank within the worst states for educational outcomes.

Correlation certainly doesn’t equal causation, but isn’t it interesting that the five states with the highest divorce rates (Arkansas, Oklahoma, Nevada, New Mexico, and Kentucky) also rank within the worst states for educational outcomes? There are many other factors at play when it comes to education, of course, but the impact that a broken home has on a child’s academic achievement shouldn’t be overlooked.

The other psychological implications of divorce on American society more broadly are just as troubling – if not more. Think back to how divorce causes complex emotional issues for children. We could inadvertently foster a more violent generation if we’re complacent about rising divorce rates. Split family units – especially with an absent father – result in the child being more likely to commit crime and more likely to go to prison. Conversely, teen boys who live with their fathers are less likely to deal drugs or carry guns.

Some bicker back and forth that mass shootings are singularly caused by a lack of gun control or perhaps even video games. While there is no single cause for why mass school shootings occur, it’s astounding that in a studied sample, over 80% of school shooters were children of divorce or grew up in dysfunctional, unstable families. That statistic is often disputed, but logic does follow when you also consider that the absent father model increases psychological and behavioral problems in boys and young men.

Some research has suggested that adolescent girls who experienced their father leaving at a younger age are more likely to engage in early sexual activity. Similarly, those girls have higher rates of teen pregnancy and are more likely to get an abortion.

Men who are raised with absent fathers are more likely to continue this toxic cycle, and similarly, women who grew up in fatherless homes are more likely to end up having kids with an absent father. This intergenerational continuity of absent fathers is a dangerous pattern to perpetuate.

Closing Thoughts

A divorce party might not have toxic intentions, but it certainly can contribute to undermining the seriousness of both marriage and divorce itself. No, a few women popping champagne bottles and proudly getting dolled up in a divorcée ensemble aren’t going to directly cause American educational outcomes to dwindle, nor are they responsible for a rise in violence. However, we have to be really wary of what societal institutions we let fall by the wayside and what we replace them with.

If you’re a woman of faith, you understand that marriage is more than just a mere human institution. Even if you’re agnostic or atheist, you still can understand how traditional models of marriage are a net positive for productive, healthy, and happy communities. 

All marriages have conflict in varying degrees, from disagreements to disappointments to physical or emotional damage. Caving to conflict and celebrating divorce with a cake and candles to ring in the occasion treats marriage more like a lifestyle choice than a sacred, binding contract.

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