Do You And Your Man Never Fight? That Might Actually Be A Bad Thing

It’s girls’ night, and everyone is going around the table, unloading all of their relationship frustrations. One of your friends mentions that she and her boyfriend can’t ever seem to agree, whether they’re deciding where to go to dinner or figuring out what they want out of life. Your other friend says that recently she and her guy have been fighting more often than not.

As you reflect on your own relationship, you realize that you and your man never fight. And after listening to your friends’ woes, you can’t help but feel pretty good about yourself and your relationship – and maybe even better than all those couples that are constantly at each other’s throats. We must just be a better match, you think to yourself.

But here’s a surprising truth: Never fighting with your boyfriend or husband actually may not be something to brag about. In fact, it could be a sign of something that’s not working well. Here are the potential problems your lack of arguments might point to.

Poor Communication

The grand majority of arguments between couples are born out of poor communication, so you might assume that poor communication couldn’t also be to blame when it comes to couples who never disagree, right?

Because communication is one of the most important ingredients in a healthy relationship, its absence can cause all kinds of issues. For some couples, this looks like a lot of fighting. For others, it looks like never fighting simply because neither one of you knows how to express your thoughts, feelings, or needs. And so, they’re never addressed.

This leads to a relationship that’s without blowout fights, yes – but it also leads to a relationship where resentment builds over time because you both end up feeling unseen, dissatisfied, and unloved by the other.

Unhealthy Conflict Avoidance

Conflict is simply part of being in a relationship with another imperfect person – there’s no way around it. And we each have our own unique way of handling conflict, which bestselling author and speaker Jay Shetty has broken down into three “styles”: venting (openly expressing whatever’s upsetting you), exploding (reaching a boiling point after ignoring conflict), and hiding (avoiding conflict at all costs).

“Hiding” can trick us into thinking everything’s fine, when in reality, the conflict exists – it’s just never dealt with.

"Hiding” can trick us into thinking everything’s fine, when in reality, the conflict exists – it’s just never dealt with. If one or both of you tend to hide at the first sight of disagreement, chances are, the only reason you don’t fight is because of this unhealthy avoidance.

Codependency

It’s not uncommon for couples to become more intimately emotionally connected as their relationship deepens; however, there might come a point where a couple crosses the line, no longer simply being close, but becoming codependent, which Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., describes as when “You feel like you have to be the caretaker of the other person’s emotional well-being … when you take on the burden of the other person’s emotional state.”

Codependency in a relationship can create a dynamic where any type of negative interaction, conflict, or disagreement deeply threatens the relationship’s happiness, causing both people to avoid it like the plague. But this doesn’t mean that the conflict ever goes away – just that it’s swept under the rug, where it piles up.

Low Commitment

When couples find themselves having uncomfortable discussions with each other often, it’s because they care. They care about the relationship’s problems and want to fix them. They care about making things work and are willing to disagree and fight for a solution in order to move forward. They’re totally committed, and so, a reasonable amount of conflict becomes natural.

But when a guy isn’t committed, he’s not going to bother fighting any battles with you because, in his mind, there’s no point. There’s no greater good he’s fighting for. He doesn’t care enough. He’s not committed to a long-term relationship, so conflict will never arise.

If You Do Fight, How Do You Fight Well?

We're not here to encourage you to pick fights with your man for the sole purpose of strengthening your relationship, but if you're avoiding meaningful arguments for one of the reasons listed above, it may be time to change that. While the thought of getting into a fight with your guy might make you uncomfortable and want to duck for cover, conflict in a relationship isn’t something to avoid at all costs. In fact, if you know how to fight, it’s not something to be afraid of at all. 

When it comes to arguing with your guy, it’s important to check your intentions and that you’re valuing reconciliation over winning or being “right.” Do your best to stay away from using personal attacks, speaking without thinking first, or raising your voice. Allow him to say his piece without interrupting, and then try to voice your concerns without blaming.

Closing Thoughts

While not fighting isn’t always a bad sign, it’s not necessarily something to brag about. If conflict is something that doesn’t ever come up in your relationship, it’s worth exploring why that is.

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