Do Wives Have A “Duty” To Have Sex?

The hot take in question? That a man's potential wife should verbally commit upfront to “meeting their husband’s needs” in the bedroom. Think of it as a forever promise to always be “in the mood" even when you're not.

Some men even chimed in to say that there should be some kind of prenuptial agreement that includes similar verbiage, along with stipulations about weight gain, hair length, and much more.

How romantic.

Unsurprisingly, counterpoints rolled in, many led by women who saw this as a one-way ticket to feeling resentful. They argued that nobody wants to be forced into intimacy and that maybe—just maybe—the real problem is husbands who don’t make their wives feel like having sex.

Not a New Debate

The “duty sex” debate may seem dated, but it’s been around forever, fueled by the different ways men and women approach sex. From Ancient Rome’s concept of munera matrimonii (marital duties) and the “marital debt” defined by medieval Christianity to today’s virtue-deficient yet sex-obsessed modern culture, the question of sexual obligation in marriage has always been on the table.

But where does that leave us today? Should wives feel obligated to have sex regardless of their mood, or should intimacy always be rooted in genuine desire? Like most Twitter storms, this debate misses a key opportunity to shift the focus from “duty” to cultivating a meaningful connection, sexually and beyond. 

Does "Duty Sex" Even Work?

The concept of duty sex likely comes from a place of good intentions—honoring vows, strengthening bonds, and keeping the marriage alive. After all, by choosing each other, you’re committing to a life together, so staying connected, including sexually, is part of the deal, right?

There’s truth in the idea that a relationship requires mutual care and attention, but framing it as “a duty” ignores the fact that genuine desire can’t be forced, especially in advance. The suggestion of the original tweet that having sex is a given just because it was once agreed upon makes it feel transactional. Imagine a woman thinking, Well, we talked about this at Panera in 2017, so I guess I have to do it. I'm sorry, but no one is getting turned on by that scenario.

Another place where this “duty sex” idea really misses the mark—if a man is worried about a lack of sexual interest from the woman he's seeing before they're even married, that's a big red flag that the connection isn't all there. Any hesitancy about sustaining a regular sex life, especially at the beginning of a relationship, is worth addressing before you even think about saying “I do.”

It's also important to point out that even in a healthy relationship, sexual desire will ebb and flow. Familiarity builds over time, and life’s demands can interfere with romance. It’s natural, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong with either person. However, if sex starts to feel like a chore, that’s a sign of disconnection, and shouldn't be automatically reduced to a woman's unwillingness to meet a man's needs.

That said, if one person rarely initiates or starts using sex as a bargaining chip, that's a whole other issue. Women who feel their husbands have stopped putting in the effort, or that sex has become just another box to check, may start to pull away. But men can lose their desire, too, especially when they feel unappreciated or uninspired by a partner who isn’t making an effort to keep the connection alive. Apathy toward intimacy can happen on both sides, but the solution isn’t an appeal to "duty."

Sex is a Choice, Not a Chore

If “duty sex” doesn’t work, what does? How about aiming for mutual desire, where both partners genuinely want one another? Here are some ways to keep the romance alive and make intimacy natural, enjoyable, and far from obligatory:

Stay in Shape (For Yourself and Each Other): Physical attraction isn’t shallow; it’s human. Feeling good in your own skin can make a huge difference, and it’s about confidence as much as it is about looks.

Date Nights: Plan time away from responsibilities and routines. Go out, dress up, and remember why you fell for each other in the first place.

Prioritize Fun: Life has enough stress. Find ways to laugh together, relax, and keep things light. Intimacy thrives in an atmosphere of comfort, not pressure.

Communicate Wants (Without Blame): If intimacy is lacking, talk about it openly and with kindness. Saying, “I miss feeling close to you” opens up a deeper conversation than “Why don’t we do this anymore?”

Appreciation Over Expectation: Sex is most fulfilling when it’s an expression of love, not a transaction. Focus on making each other feel valued and wanted instead of pressured to perform.

Maintain Individuality: Attraction often fades when people feel they’ve “lost themselves.” Maintain your interests, passions, and individual confidence. The best relationships thrive when both people feel whole and empowered.

Ditch the Comparisons: Hollywood romance and social media don’t reflect real life. Focus on your unique connection with your partner rather than comparing yourselves to idealized versions of airbrushed romance.

Intimacy in marriage doesn’t need to be a duty. If it starts to feel like one, it's time to reevaluate and bring back the fun, connection, and passion that brought you together. Commitment means serving one another in the good times and bad, but that becomes much easier when it’s a genuine choice to love the person rather than framed as some difficult obligation.