Does Listening To Breakup Songs Damage Your Relationship?

Emotional pain is unlike physical pain. If you were to fall over and scrape your knee, it would hurt in the moment and while it heals. However, if you were to think back to that incident and how your knee hurt years later, you’d be able to recall that you were in pain then but not physically feel it anymore.

Emotional pain, on the other hand, can be tapped into years and years after the incident has passed. For example, if you were to take a moment to think back to the last time you were really, truly heartbroken and the pain you went through, I’d bet you still feel a little physical pain in your heart. It’s almost like phantom limb pain, a phenomenon where individuals who have lost an arm or a leg still feel pain in the missing limb even though it’s not there anymore.

Heartbreak can be like that; even though you’ve moved on and the person is gone from your life, sometimes it still hurts like the breakup was yesterday.

Similarly, breakup songs have the ability to transport you right back into the moment when your ex left you, or you found out he betrayed you. So, it’s no wonder they’re so popular. They enable us to connect with our past selves or even process what’s currently happening in our lives. 

What’s interesting about sad breakup songs is that even some women in happy relationships enjoy listening to things like Taylor Swift’s latest breakup album, The Tortured Poets Department. But if they’re in a happy relationship, why do they like this kind of music? And is it even healthy for people in relationships to listen to these tunes that take them down memory lane? 

Why Do People Enjoy Sad Breakup Songs?

Sad breakup songs have a unique ability to resonate with listeners on a deep emotional level, and there are many reasons why they remain popular, especially among women, even when they are in happy relationships.

According to Sandra Kushnir, a licensed marriage and family coach, it can provide an emotional catharsis. “Listening to sad songs can provide an emotional release. They allow listeners to process and express their feelings, even those that are not directly related to their current relationship,” she says.

Many people also find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in their experiences. As breakup songs often tell relatable stories of heartache and recovery, listening to them also fosters a sense of connection and understanding. “Even in a happy relationship, individuals may reflect on past experiences and how they have grown from them. Breakup songs can evoke memories, helping individuals appreciate their journey and the lessons learned along the way,” continues Kushnir.

Similarly, dating expert Nicole Moore believes part of the reason people enjoy break up songs is because of nostalgia. “Nostalgia is another reason breakup songs are extremely popular, as listening to a breakup song can take you right back to the time and place you were in when you were listening to the song on heavy rotation. Even if you're happy to be moved past that place, it's sometimes nice to reflect on the past and look at how far you've come,” says Moore.

The Science Behind Sad Music

Listening to music has an effect on our emotions, so it also has an effect on our bodies. And there’s actually a lot of evidence to say that listening to sad music can be beneficial to a person – even someone who suffers from depression. 

It may seem counterintuitive to listen to sad music when you’re already down, but cheerful tunes don’t necessarily help. Often, listening to happy music when we’re actually sad highlights how distant we are from positive thoughts and feelings. It’s kind of like when someone tells you to “just smile and relax” when you’re feeling down…it doesn’t really help.

Prolactin

Studies have shown that listening to melancholic music can boost levels of hormones such as prolactin. Prolactin has many uses, but its main function is breast development and milk production in women who are pregnant. However, it’s also been found to regulate feelings of sadness by preparing the body to deal with traumatic events. And it enhances calmness to fend off any overwhelming feelings of grief.

Dopamine

Dopamine is known to be the “feel good” hormone. It’s a neurotransmitter and hormone that's produced in the brain and released by nerve cells. When we produce higher levels of this chemical, it can produce temporary feelings of euphoria and long-lasting feelings of happiness. Strangely enough, sad music has been known to stimulate the production of dopamine, so it may actually improve a person’s mood. 

However, as with most things, it really depends on the person. If listening to sad breakup songs is causing an increase in anxiety or other negative emotions, it’s probably a good idea to stop listening.

Is It Healthy to Listen to Breakup Songs in a Relationship?

Again, whether or not it’s healthy to listen to breakup songs in a relationship varies from person to person. As long as you’ve actually healed from a past breakup, there’s no harm in listening to sad songs in a happy relationship. But if listening to certain songs evokes unhealed wounds or triggers, it’s probably not the best idea to keep listening without doing the work to address these triggers and heal them.

Moore says, “Some people have a tendency to project their past relationship experiences onto current partners, so if you're one of those people and listening to a song reminds you of how an ex hurt you, but you have a great partner now, you might not want to listen. The feelings the song evokes might cause you to mistakenly attribute them to your current partner. If listening to a breakup song makes you so happy that you're not in that place and it helps you to appreciate your new partner, by all means, listen.”

Closing Thoughts

At the end of the day, whether or not listening to breakup songs is good or bad for a person really depends on the individual and their intent. Whatever the genre, music can remind us of who we are and who we used to be. Listening to music is such a personal experience that it’s really hard to discern exactly who should and shouldn’t listen to sad breakup songs. 

If you have a boyfriend, there’s no hard evidence to say that listening to breakup songs will damage your relationship. However, if this kind of music evokes negative feelings and causes you to ruminate on the past, it may be an indication that you haven’t quite moved on from your ex, and that may hurt your current relationship.

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