Does Porn Increase The Chances Your Boyfriend Will Cheat?

It’s a hard and complex truth to unpack, but the damage that porn does to a couple can sometimes be insurmountable. No amount of ignoring the problem on your part or promising he’ll quit on his part will be enough to salvage your relationship. No woman, or at least no truly self-aware woman, wants to play second fiddle to the women online her boyfriend is enamored with, nor should she have to.

You might be tempted to play the “cool girlfriend” card, but it won’t change his dependency. You might give in to sex as often as possible, and still find that he can’t quit, whether he says he will or not. However hard it is to believe, the issue doesn’t lie with you.

The research on the negative effects of pornography use might be sparse (I wonder why?), but its findings are conclusive. Not only does porn rewire the brain and has a neurological hold as gripping as drugs and alcohol, but it impacts your relationship much more than people know. If you have concerns about your boyfriend’s porn usage – those concerns might be socially discouraged, but they’re a valid thing, nevertheless – you might see certain statistics about use and addiction, or even see the porn he’s watching. If it’s the latter, it’s natural to compare yourself to those women and wonder if his propensity for porn will lead him to be unfaithful. There is a significant link between pornography and infidelity – let’s dive in.

The Research

Why do people (and for the purposes of this discussion, men specifically) watch porn? Experiences with porn on average begin at a young age, but for a number of reasons. One psychotherapist explains that reasons usually stem from abuse, neglect, and depression and anxiety. Not only that, but porn is widely accessible, so much so that you don’t have to turn to porn-dedicated sites to find it. If you know where to look, it’s as simple as opening social media.

Addiction is a strong word, but with porn, it’s applicable. Watching porn once isn’t the same as being addicted, but because it’s so available and convenient to access, porn addiction can be fostered easily out of a handful of experiences. One hallmark of porn addiction is compulsively watching it, and as a consequence, ignoring outside responsibilities and obligations. Porn for many is the central focus of their day-to-day life, impacting their relationships or their ability to perform both at work and in their private lives. Porn users may feel shame or frustration surrounding their addiction, but feel it’s impossible or unrealistic to quit. While this might sound like an excuse, it makes sense, given what we know about porn’s effect on the brain.

Psychiatrists and advisors on sexual trauma and cognitive therapy agree that quitting porn usage is harder than quitting substances like crack cocaine or heroin. Why? These substances are artificial and are introduced to the body through use, but porn and masturbation help naturally produce hormones within the body, without the need for drugs. 

As with drug addiction, chronic porn usage motivates people to do things they’d normally never find themselves doing, like paying for sex, spending money on porn, or engaging in other risky, anti-social behaviors – like watching porn at work. One 2019 study found that 11% of men and 3% of women – and overwhelmingly, younger men – self-reported that they were addicted to porn. But given what we know about how perfidious porn can be and how addicts operate in secret, we must naturally conclude that this statistic could be higher.

If porn leads to men engaging in behaviors they’d never otherwise consider, infidelity is definitely one of them. Infidelity, it could be argued, is an antisocial behavior – it’s disruptive to not only the family unit, but to the integrity of trust between the couple and upends our extended communities as well. 

A 2012 study examined couples, ages 18 to 34; nearly 77% of men reported watching porn, and the couples were questioned about the rates of infidelity, relationship adjustment, negative communication, and sexual satisfaction. Couples that didn’t watch any porn, whether alone or together, had rates of infidelity half of what their porn-using counterparts did. In a separate study, porn consumption was directly linked to decreased commitment to a partner, especially in men. Yet another study found a direct correlation to increased flirting and cheating outside committed relationships. Porn users, understandably, compare their partners to the performers they see in porn and become accustomed to believing people outside their relationship can better satisfy their sexual needs.

Does Porn Count As Cheating?

You might have been told that as long as your boyfriend is “just” watching porn, and not paying for sex or having other physical relationships, he’s not cheating. But just because the situation hasn’t escalated to sex outside your relationship with someone else doesn’t mean infidelity is altogether absent.

Marriage is obviously different from dating, in that we take vows of emotional and physical chastity, but in the majority of dating relationships nowadays, we’d expect our boyfriends to be faithful to us and only us as a bare minimum.

Consider this: Your boyfriend might have a co-worker that he really gets along with. He texts her, calls her, or spends time in her company regularly. He trusts her and has invested time and energy into a relationship with her. He confides in her with things he hasn’t even told you, with a level of vulnerability and emotional intimacy you’ve never experienced. Would you be upset, despite the fact that they’re just co-workers, according to him? Or would you rightly guess that he’s having an emotional affair?

Some would argue that porn is completely different because your boyfriend will never have the chance to sleep with the porn actress that he sees online. Supposedly, what makes it acceptable is the inaccessibility of the person being recorded performing sexual acts. 

But there is a profound breach of trust here identical to the one often experienced in emotional infidelity, in that porn usage is usually hidden from wives, girlfriends, or other loved ones. And its impact is just as devastating as uncovering an affair. One investigative study reports that wives of sex addicts (in which the first step is porn addiction) overwhelmingly reported feelings of “anxiety, depression, anger, rage, obsessive thoughts, compulsive checking behaviors, difficulty concentrating, increased isolation, and hyper-vigilance,” or symptoms identical to reactions to trauma-induced stress. “It completely destroyed me,” says one woman who uncovered her husband’s porn addiction and chronic infidelity. “It destroyed my self-esteem, it destroyed my image. It feels like he robbed me of my womanhood, of who I am.”

Determining the Future of Your Relationship

Porn doesn’t just depict what’s normally violent and degrading sex. Its most insidious characteristic is that it manufactures what every individual craves: connection. We have connections through friendships, through our children, and, yes, through intimate acts like sex. But pornography is so habit-forming and enticing because it misleads us into thinking we have a connection with people through watching them perform the most private and vulnerable of experiences. The sexual gratification is just a by-product.

This is why so many men prefer porn to sex with their wives or girlfriends. Porn forges a strong connection with their brain and constructs a bond with their conception of self. It demands nothing from them, unlike another person. It doesn’t ask that they perform to the best of their ability, or that they work hard. It doesn’t argue with them or nag them about things they said they were going to do. It doesn’t ask them to consider the woman’s needs or pleasure. It asks nothing of them.

But it gives nothing in return but ruin and despair, which is why the connection is hollow. The bond might be transactional and uncomplicated, but it can never provide the true security and comfort and depth and love that an actual relationship can.

If your boyfriend is struggling with watching porn and he has already exhibited symptoms of addiction – disinterest in you, lack of focus and concentration, sensitivity around his schedule or unwarranted protectiveness over his phone or computer – you’re right to be concerned about what other behaviors, including cheating, could arise. It’s crucial to have conversations before they need to be had, and no amount of gaslighting on his part should be tolerated. It’s never “just” porn – it’s a gross abuse of trust, understanding, and intimacy.

If your relationship has already experienced infidelity, the next action is up to you. Some relationships can weather this kind of storm, but only with the promise of change on the guilty party’s part and with immense patience and understanding on yours. If change or even an apology from him doesn’t look possible, then you should seriously weigh your options as far as continuing the relationship. Contrary to what your boyfriend may tell you to try to get you to stay, there are men out there who don’t watch porn.

Closing Thoughts

Every human being deserves love and connection, but neither of those things can be genuinely found in a coping mechanism like porn. Porn degrades the individual as much as it degrades a relationship, and its chronic usage could reap results you might never have seen coming, and through no fault of your own.

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