Don’t Let Social Pressure Make You Settle For A Guy Who Looks At Porn

Men are visual by nature, so it’s only natural for them to be attracted to sexualized things, but this isn’t a free pass for porn addiction. A natural inclination doesn’t automatically indicate inherent goodness. Porn destroys relationships, and it destroys marriages. So many people will read this article and call me a prude, but porn has ruined my past relationships, and I wasn’t going to let it come into my marriage. 

The Statistics Don’t Lie

Did you know that the porn industry profits around $5 billion a year? It’s everywhere. You can access it via the internet, social media, magazines, movies, and books. About 35% of all downloads on the internet are related to porn. It has consumed people. According to the American Psychological Association, several international studies state that porn consumption rates are at 50% to 99% among men and 30% to 86% among women. This article is a message to the girls about the men, but it can certainly go the other way, as it’s true that many women also engage in porn. 

Porn and Relationships

Don’t let social pressure fool you into thinking that porn doesn’t affect your personal relationships. The statistics don’t stop at the amount of porn that’s being consumed. The APA states, “Destin Stewart, Ph.D., and Dawn Szymanski, Ph.D., at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, surveyed female college students and found that those who perceived their boyfriends' porn use to be problematic experienced lower self-esteem, poorer relationship quality, and lower sexual satisfaction.” 

In 2005, Dr. Jill Manning, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in sexual addiction and pornography, presented her research on porn and divorce to the U.S. Senate, in which she found that 56% of divorces involved one spouse “having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.” And a 2016 study found that porn use within a two-year relationship period doubled men’s likelihood of divorce (from 5% to 10%) and tripled women’s (from 6% to 18%). 

Looking at porn while in a relationship is being unfaithful to your partner. 

One of the reasons porn is so destructive for a marriage is because it creates a false idea of sex and a woman’s body. It weakens the commitment between each other and gives the man an unrealistic image to compare his wife to. Notice that most pornstars are young, wrinkle-free, sexy women. But beauty is fleeting, and not all of us have the body shape of a pornstar. We shouldn’t have to. Wives (or future wives), do you really want to be constantly compared to other women? For the women who say it’s no big deal, just remember you’re in competition with the porn he’s looking at. It is a big deal, and it's not okay. 

Also, people try not to see it this way, but looking at porn while in a relationship is being unfaithful to your partner. It’s an outlet for sexually pleasing yourself. If your husband texted another woman and asked her for naked pictures of her body or a video of her in a sexual act, you would 100% consider that to be him cheating on you. The only difference with porn is that he doesn’t personally know the woman in the pictures. 

This is one of the reasons men use porn. It’s a rejection-free way to sexually please themselves. There is no pursuing someone and falling in love. There’s no risk of rejection. It’s all about instant gratification, and it cheapens real intimacy. Again, this isn’t all to say that men are the only ones engaging with porn, it’s the same reasoning for women.

Normal Doesn’t Always Mean Acceptable 

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have heard, “All guys do it, it's normal.” This is a cop-out that gives men the okay to cheat on their wives or girlfriends. The statistics are clear that this is ruining relationships, so why would we make it okay? 

To the ladies, I’d encourage you to raise your standards when you date. Just because porn has been normalized doesn’t mean that you’re required to pick (or stay with) a man who uses it. I know it won’t be as easy to find someone, but it will be a much more fulfilling relationship without porn. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t faithful to you. 

You’re not alone if you want a man who only has eyes for you.

To the guys, take the steps you need to break free from this addiction. Yes, it’s considered normal to watch porn in our day and age, but it isn’t a good thing. It will consume you. The best way to quit porn is to remove access. This might mean getting someone to hold you accountable or joining a recovery program. You might need to take a break from social media or get a “dumb phone.” Have higher standards for yourself, and you will find a woman who is worth it. 

Another note to the ladies: Be thoughtful about what you post on social media. It’s hypocritical of you to ask men not to look at porn, but then post your near-naked body on Instagram. Girls often use beach pictures as an excuse to show off their butt. Or do photoshoots of themselves in lingerie. We have created a culture that feeds into the porn industry. Think about your fathers, brothers, and friends. What if one of these men is fighting a battle against an addiction to porn, and you’re helping him feed it? If we want to see any change, both men and women need to be accountable.  

Closing Thoughts

I know this article may come off as aggressive. My goal isn’t to condemn anyone or to accuse all men of being unfaithful; it’s to encourage all of us to hold ourselves accountable in our relationships. And my hope is that it inspires other girls not to feel like they’re alone if they want a man who only has eyes for her. The divorce rates are already stacked against us, and porn will just increase its chances. Just because porn has been normalized doesn’t mean we can’t choose to live differently. Intimacy with your spouse is such a special gift, and it deserves to be respected. Don’t let your peers or social media make you feel any less for having these standards. 

Love Evie? Let us know what you love and what else you want to see from us in the official Evie reader survey.