Don’t Post That TikTok Trash Talking Your Husband

A troubling and increasingly common occurrence has been making its way across social media, specifically on TikTok: women complaining about their husbands. While a wife having frustrations to vent about is hardly a new fad (women have been dishing the tea on their husbands to their girlfriends, complaining about him to their mothers, or lamenting about the woes of their married life with their coworkers for centuries), what makes this new iteration of an age-old occurrence different? It’s no longer hidden inside the walls of a friendship, no longer just within the enclaves of our immediate family. These days, our complaints about our husband are being broadcast on the internet, to millions upon millions of viewers.

In a now-deleted TikTok, one woman recently shared all about her husband’s failures on Mother’s Day – how he didn’t plan a breakfast, didn’t know how she took her coffee when he decided to order breakfast, and accidentally forgot the car keys at their hotel, stranding her with their three children and bags. Another woman posted about how, also on Mother’s Day, her husband promised to make burgers, but as dinner time approached, there were still no burgers in sight (and no supplies to make burgers in the house, either), and her husband seemed unbothered to change that. She explained, crushed, that her husband seemed to expect the burger supplies to appear magically. She expressed that she wished he would have actually planned ahead.

Most of us have frustrations with our husband. We’ve all dealt with issues and annoyances and pain in our marriage, but what makes these critiques different is that they’re being seen by millions of random people. And these two women’s TikToks are only two of countless videos of the same genre to be found on TikTok. All you have to do is search something like Mother’s Day husband disappointment, and you’ll find a plethora of videos to swipe through of women airing their marriage’s dirty laundry for all the world to see. Some of these videos show women whose complaints are totally understandable, while others seem to be overly harsh.

So what’s the problem, exactly? TikTok is a place where people share their lives, search for support, find community, and offer advice. But is it such a good idea to post a TikTok trash talking your husband, sharing intimate details about a disagreement you just had?

The Short Answer: Don’t Do It

Posting a TikTok in which we rant about our husband’s habits, failures, or imperfections might feel cathartic, and even seem innocuous, but there are much darker consequences that come along with posting such a video – ones that, in the heat of the moment, we may fail to recognize or think about. But they’re consequences that have the potential to destroy a marriage, and even cause damage to ourselves as well.

It’s Not Balanced or Fair

We’ve all heard it said that there are three sides to every argument: our side, their side, and the truth. The one thing each of these TikToks have in common is that they share only one side of the story – a side that will undoubtedly be biased, imperfect, and colored by past issues, even if the wife ultimately has valid reasons to complain.

The reality is, sometimes we get things wrong. And the way we humans deal with this uncomfortable reality is to get confirmation of our correctness from whatever sources we can, as well as craft a narrative that suits our interests. As we often see with media corporations and politicians, the crafting of a narrative is a powerful way to get people on our side – but our narratives don’t always reflect the truth of the matter.

By doing this, we’re attempting to silence our husband into submission with the threat of public shame.

If every time we get into an argument with our husband, we run to TikTok and are met with thousands of “men are trash” and “girl leave him” and “you deserve better queen” comments, our marriage will quickly feel the negative effects. By doing this, we’re attempting to silence our husband into submission with the threat of public shame and continuing to build the narrative in our own mind that he’s the problem, not us. However, this keeps us from actually growing, and our marriage’s problems will still be there once the comments and the views slow down.

It’s Embarrassing

We’ve all seen a movie, show, or perhaps even a real-life occurrence, where a cruel husband embarrasses his wife at a dinner party or some other public gathering, leaving her feeling small and worthless. We naturally feel incensed at this – after all, spouses should be loving and respectful of one another, both in private and in public.

Embarrassment, criticism, and shame are not what our spouse should come to expect from us. Choosing to humiliate our spouse and condemning him for all the world to see will deeply harm the marriage. In fact, it’s this kind of criticism that The Gottman Institute calls one of the “Four Horsemen” – signs, dynamics, and unhealthy patterns of communicating that can predict the end of a relationship. And when we post a trash-talking TikTok, it’s not just us criticizing our husband – we’ve invited random strangers to join us.

It Betrays Trust

Marriages are incredibly intimate unions, and they thrive on trust and intimacy. This is why we don’t invite strangers into our bedrooms – a marriage is the one relationship in which we’re meant to be totally trusting of one another and interdependent, a relationship we’re supposed to find comfort and love in, where we should feel respected and protected.

When we betray our marriage’s trust and privacy, we’re chipping away at the foundation of our marriage. If there’s no trust in a marriage, it can’t work. And if every single time there’s a disagreement, our husband worries we’ll relay the gritty details to TikTok, and thus find himself being torn apart by millions of strangers, how can he possibly trust us?

The Internet Is Forever

We’re all well-aware (perhaps after we learned this hard lesson or benefitted from witnessing someone else learn it for us) that things don’t disappear from the internet. The internet is, for better or worse, forever.

Even if we were to delete our TikTok, there’s no way of knowing how many hands it got into.

How many of us have said something awful in the middle of a fight, something really hurtful in the heat of the moment and the height of our emotions, that we ended up really regretting? Now imagine if that “awful thing” was posted, and then reposted (and reposted and reposted) on the internet. Even if we were to delete our TikTok, there’s no way of knowing how many hands it got into (especially seeing as how much of TikTok is duets). 

So What Should We Do Instead?

We’ll always have frustrations with our spouse. We’ll continue to have disagreements, wish the other would see things from our perspective, and feel unheard. And these problems, despite being normal, need to be handled appropriately for a marriage to grow in the direction of health. So what should we do instead of going to TikTok and inviting the internet into our marriage’s problems?

Seeing a marriage counselor will be an enormous benefit to your relationship. With a counselor, we can air our grievances with a professional who’ll be able to offer a way forward for us and our spouse, and we’ll be provided with advice and tools to help create a marriage that can work through and withstand frustrations and communication issues.

Additionally, we might confide in a trusted friend. While complaining to our friends about our husband regularly isn’t recommended, if we have an especially close friend who’s also married, who can listen from a place of understanding and knowing our spouse and our relationship well, we might find that she’s able to offer good insight and thoughtful advice. 

Lastly, if faith is important to us, it could be helpful to talk to a pastor; pastors have a vested interest in seeing marriages thrive. If our marriage has hit a rough patch, it may be beneficial to speak to someone whose values and beliefs align with ours, who believes in marriage, and who won’t end up taking sides and causing more friction.

Closing Thoughts

The internet is filled with women who’ll take our side in an argument with our spouse, but when it comes to the health of our marriage, our husband’s trust in us, and our own growth, it’s never a good idea to post a trash-talking TikTok.

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