Friends With Benefits Never Works Out—Here Are The Reasons It’ll Only Lead To Heartbreak

Perfect – you have someone to hang out with, fulfill your intimate desires, and you can even explore other options. Or so many women have thought. The reality of friends with benefits is it usually doesn’t turn out like Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman’s relationship in No Strings Attached, where they all live happily ever after. What is likely, though, is the heartbreak it’ll end in for you.

Which Part of Your Friends with Benefits Agreement Is Platonic?

Firstly, is there anything casual about friendship in the first place? Do you form a bond with every acquaintance? No, because there’s something unique about the people you’ve chosen to have in your life. You have a bond, you share memories and stories, and deal with life’s ups and downs with your friends. There’s nothing casual about it, so adding a physically intimate element to the friendship can only cause complications.

Secondly, there must be a physical attraction between you and him for this agreement to take place. Maybe there’s always been a flirtatious vibe between you both? And if spending time with him usually leads to sex, then what do you share with this person that actually is just platonic? If you ask yourself these questions, you may realize that, actually, your “friendship” was just flirting and sexual tension in the first place, which isn’t platonic at all.

Plus, a study showed that 1 in 4 friends-with-benefits relationships ends sex and the friendship altogether, so maybe it’s not a risk worth taking.

Women’s Bodies Aren’t Built for Casual Sex

To put it simply: Women haven’t evolved to enjoy casual sex like men. That’s because a hormone called oxytocin is released during sex. This is known as the “love hormone” or “attachment hormone,” and it plays many roles, such as helping us bond, trust others, and interpret social cues. Whether you’re having sex with your husband or a casual hookup, this hormone will be released abundantly during orgasm for both men and women. 

1 in 4 friends-with-benefits relationships ends sex and the friendship altogether.

It’s also released during interactions like kissing, foreplay, hugging, and cuddling. Its role is to cement the relationship, so when you’re having casual sex, this hormone forms a bond whether you want it to or not.

Psychotherapist Rachel Morris points out: “Young people today, male and female, pretend sex is no more important than a handshake. Yet intimacy has a profound effect on the emotions, which can be very confusing, especially for women […] A hormone called oxytocin is released in a woman’s brain during sex, which gives her a biological pre-determination to seek a connection with that man. Men, however, are biologically programmed to sow their seed and seem able to disconnect emotionally from sex in a way that women cannot. So friends with benefits relationships are often more emotionally confusing and upsetting for women.”

Men Enjoy No Strings Attached Sex More Than Women

In a Daily Mail article, people in a friends with benefits situation were asked to comment on how the agreement made them feel. Interestingly, the men seemed completely happy with the agreement, however, many of the women commented on how confused they felt about the situation.

One of the women in the article, Lucy, commented: “One moment we are all lovey-dovey, the next we’re messing about like pals. When we first met, I think Doug was more into me than I was into him, but now the situation has reversed and I don’t know where I stand.” She even admits that she’s asked why they can’t be together, but he says she’s not “wife material.”

On the other hand, Doug, Lucy’s friends-with-benefits partner, said: “We probably shouldn’t have slept together, but we did […] I was worried it might affect our friendship, but Lucy seemed fine with us just being friends and sleeping together occasionally […] Now, I think it bothers her more than it does me. I enjoy her company, and I love being with her — I just don’t want to go out with her. I value her as a friend, though. She seems to understand me in a way that a lot of women don’t.”

Studies Show Women Experience More Negative Emotions after Casual Sex

In a study designed to discover what motivates men and women to have casual sex, what emotional outcomes are experienced following casual sex, and whether there are gender differences, it was found that women experience more negative outcomes than men.

Intimacy has a profound effect on the emotions, which can be very confusing, especially for women.

“Women reported significantly more regret, loneliness, unhappiness, rejection and negative feelings about one’s self in comparison to men following their most recent hookup experience. It is important to note that this finding is consistent with research from an evolutionary perspective, which suggests that women experience more regret than men because short-term sexual relationships are considered less advantageous for women’s reproductive success, and conversely, advantageous for men’s reproductive success,” the study said.

This is just another example of why women simply can’t have sex like men. It has little to do with the patriarchy, as many feminists claim, and has much to do with our biology.

Closing Thoughts

There are a variety of situations where a casual sex arrangement with a friend may seem like a great idea. Maybe you’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship and need time to heal, or maybe you’re super focused on your career and a relationship would be a distraction. There are many valid reasons to avoid a committed relationship right now, which is what makes the biological urges we all feel for intimacy so hard to satisfy without engaging in a friends-with-benefits agreement.

But by choosing not to engage in this kind of deal, you may set yourself up for greater relationship success in the future. In the Daily Mail article mentioned previously, one of the participants expressed how she felt her friends-with-benefits agreements were “hindering” her from finding a real relationship, and it makes sense. If you’re having this biological urge met, you’re less likely to look for a stable relationship to fulfill it. And if you’re willing to “give benefits” to a man without requiring that he commit to you in a romantic, long-term relationship, then what’s his motivation to take your relationship seriously?

Remember, your time is precious, and it shouldn’t be wasted with a guy who wants to enjoy all the benefits of being with you but none of the commitment. 

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