A Super Important But Rarely Discussed Reason To Have Kids Earlier Rather Than Later
My mother, who was born in 1930, received an M.B.A. from Radcliffe and went on to become a stockbroker in the 1960s. (See? There were accomplished women even back then!) But as much as my mother enjoyed her career, she would often say she did things “backward”: “I started my career first, and marriage came much later.”
So did motherhood. My mother was 36 when my sister was born and 38 when she had me. More than once, she told me she regretted having children later in life for several reasons – she felt out of step with the younger moms at school and was self-conscious about looking older – but the main one was that she knew she would have less time and energy for my own children when I had them.
As it turns out, I too, had children on the later side, only because I married and divorced in my twenties and was 30 years old when I remarried. I had my first child at 32 and my second at 35. So, in the end, I had children just a bit younger than my mother did.
Fortunately, my children and my mother did get a fair bit of time together – my daughter more so than my son since she was born first. But alas, my mother died in 2015 at the age of 85.
It was much too soon, for she never got to see my children graduate from high school and college or marvel at my daughter becoming a Chancellor Scholar, which landed her a full ride to college. My mother also won’t be at my children’s weddings. Still, considering her age, I feel blessed that my kids had their grandmother in their lives for as long as they did.
Being the daughter and granddaughter of women who had children later in life caused my daughter to want to be a younger mother should she meet the right man. She wants her yet-to-be-born children to have their grandparents around a lot longer than she had her grandparents around. (My father was seven years older than my mother, and he died when my children were young.)
A Consequence of Waiting To Have Kids
This is a trade-off for having children later in life that goes largely unaddressed in our culture. Waiting to have kids is supposed to be a win-win for women, but the value of grandparents is overlooked in this conversation. As one woman notes on the private Facebook page for my podcast, The Suzanne Venker Show: “Part of the problem I see now with my generation is that we’re encouraged to have children later in life. My mother also had children later in life. I had my first child at 33. My mom just turned 70. She can barely hold him at 10 months old. She definitely cannot take care of him independently and even with my dad’s help, they cannot handle him alone. They’ve tried and managed for about an hour. It’s sad because they want to be helpful but now have physical limitations. Maybe when my son is six they’ll be able to help more, but who knows what their health will be then?”
You will want your children to know and spend time with their grandparents while they are young in spirit and in age.
Being a younger mother has so many advantages – more energy! – but the biggest is having grandparents who can not only help take care of the children so that it’s less stressful on Mom and Dad but who can be available for overnights, too. My daughter knew that her father and I couldn’t leave her and her brother with my parents for more than one night because it was too much for them. Younger grandparents, as a rule, can handle more.
When deciding when to have children, don’t just think in terms of your life today or even next year. Think long-term. You will want your children to know and spend time with their grandparents while they are young in spirit and in age. That is when they are most able to teach, enjoy, and interact with their grandchildren. They can even babysit or pick the kids up from school! If you’re super lucky, you can drop your kids off with their grandparents and head out of town with your spouse to get some much-needed alone time.
Closing Thoughts
There are many benefits to having children earlier rather than later. But the value of grandparents sits at the top of that list.
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