Help, I’m Jealous Of My Friend’s Life! How Do I Stop?

I used to be jealous of this new woman my age at church. She had gorgeous red hair and fashionable clothes, and she was pregnant – three things I’ve always wanted and never had. After a few months of trying not to be distracted by jealousy during the church service, I determined to become friends with her as it’s harder to be jealous of someone you know and like. As I got to know her, I discovered that as amazing as her life looked from the one-hour window a week I saw, she had previously suffered the tragic loss of not one but two babies at 20 weeks. My jealousy turned into compassion, and we ended up becoming great friends.

Maybe you find yourself in a similar situation – you have a friend who has something you wish you had. Maybe she just got a boyfriend, got engaged, or got married, and you're single. Maybe she’s having a baby, and you’re struggling to get pregnant. Maybe your friend just bought a house, and you’re still living with your parents. Maybe she got her dream job, and you’re still trying to figure out what you want to do with your life. It’s quite common to look around at your friend group and feel like you’re being left behind while everyone else is achieving these exciting milestones to build their perfect life.

We’ve all experienced jealousy at one point and to some degree. Jealousy can make you feel sad, angry about perceived unfairness, resentment, bitterness, and even wanting harm to come to others. Jealousy can make you question yourself, God, life, the universe. It can tempt you to play the victim or place blame on others. After all, jealousy happens when we see that somebody else receives, possesses, or achieves something good, and we want that same good for ourselves. Sometimes, jealousy is not so much that I want to take the exact thing that you have, but just that I want the same kind of good thing to come to me, too. I have often felt this when friends and sisters-in-law have announced a pregnancy. I would never want them not to have children, but I’m sad that I do not have children as well. 

Jealousy is part of the human experience, but that doesn’t mean we have to let ourselves wallow in it. 

So, how can we combat jealousy so it doesn’t damage our own peace of mind and our relationships? Let’s look at three steps you can take to overcome your jealousy.

Could I Be Doing More?

Step one is to examine if there is more you could be doing about your situation. Are you acting like a passenger princess in your own life? Is there more you could realistically be doing to achieve whatever your goal is? 

Take a few moments to clearly define what it is you want and evaluate how you’re working to achieve that. Are there ways in which you can improve your approach and your efforts? 

I’ll use my own case of trying to get pregnant as an example. Am I doing everything that I can to get pregnant? After pursuing medical diagnoses and solutions for 12 years, I can confidently say I am. Are there other ways in which I could grow a family? There are – my husband and I were foster parents for a couple of years, and we will likely move forward with private adoption. Our family is going to look different, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I have to accept reality for what it is and take responsibility for my life.

Counteract Your Jealousy

Next, proactively work against your jealousy by doing something loving and kind for the person you’re feeling jealous of. Jealousy is an emotion, and like other emotions, it can be fleeting and it can be alleviated. 

Doing acts of kindness prevents bitterness from taking root and disrupting the friendship. 

I’ve discovered that one of the best ways to mitigate jealousy is to reach out with an act of kindness toward the person you are jealous of. So when I’m jealous of a friend who’s having a baby, I pray that she has a healthy pregnancy and delivery and a healthy baby. I also give her a baby shower gift and cook her family a meal when the baby is born. Doing acts of kindness prevents bitterness from taking root and disrupting the friendship. 

So, if you’re feeling jealous of a friend who just got engaged, then send her a text or a handwritten card congratulating her and maybe offer to take her out to lunch to celebrate and catch up. It might be painful in the moment, but leaning in instead of withdrawing will actually help you work through the negative emotions and preserve the friendship. 

Be Grateful

The last step – be grateful – might sound cliché, but truly, gratitude is the antidote to jealousy. You have so much to be grateful for that you’re probably taking for granted right now. I challenge you to grab a piece of paper and a pen and write down everything you have to be grateful for. I guarantee you will be able to brainstorm at least 10 things. Do you have all five senses? Do your limbs work? Did you sleep in a bed last night? Did you eat breakfast this morning? Do you have family or friends who care for you? Do you have a pet? Can you go outside and feel the sun on your skin? There are so many blessings we experience every day without being aware of them. Even our sufferings can be cause for gratitude because good can come from them. Who knows, maybe the thing you lack right now that is causing your jealousy could be preparing you for something better?

Closing Thoughts

Jealousy is part of the human experience, but that doesn’t mean we have to let ourselves wallow in it. Take the initiative to address your jealousy and nip it in the bud so you can move forward with peace of mind and keep your friendships alive and joyful.

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